Thank you for choosing to fly with us today. Before we take off, we ask that you please pay close attention to the following safety announcements.
Please ensure that your carry-on baggage is safely stowed in the overhead compartments. Also, when stowing your baggage, please be careful not to disturb the raccoon that has been living up there for the past few weeks. He may appear dangerous, but rest assured that he won’t bother you if you don’t bother him.
Please ensure that your seatbelt is securely fastened at all times. Do not remove the seatbelt while seated, unless the raccoon wants to curl up and take a nap in your lap. His name is Lil’ Bandit and he is just the cutest little cuddle monster.
We are pleased to offer you complimentary in-flight meals once we have reached our cruising altitude. We ask that you please not consume any peanuts or nut products, as Lil’ Bandit is allergic.
In regards to Lil’ Bandit, we don’t know exactly how he got on the plane in the first place, but over the past few weeks he has come to be a part of our family. All these lonely flights can take a toll on one’s psyche, but when Lil’ Bandit wandered into our cabin one day he changed our lives forever. He makes us laugh, warms our hearts, and reminds us why we do this in the first place.
There are four emergency exits located in the cabin; two at the front and two at the rear. In the event of an emergency landing on water, it is the responsibility of those passengers in the emergency rows to locate Lil’ Bandit and make sure he gets to safety. It is entirely likely that Lil’ Bandit will not go willingly, so we will be offering complimentary rabies shots to deal with any bites and scratches that may arise. Please be sure to secure his adorable raccoon-sized lifejacket before exiting the cabin.
Please turn off all electronic devices during takeoff. We ask that you disconnect all transmitting functions for the duration of the flight, unless you plan on Instagramming photos of yourself with Lil’ Bandit. In that case, we ask that you please use the hashtag #lilbandit.
In the event of a depressurization of the cabin, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Due to budgetary shortages, we have been unable to attain an extra oxygen mask; therefore, it will be necessary for one of you to give up your mask to Lil’ Bandit. We will be drawing straws shortly before takeoff to determine which of you will have to sacrifice themselves to ensure Lil’ Bandit lives on to bring joy and laughter to weary travelers for many years to come. Please be sure to secure Lil’ Bandit’s mask before securing your own.
Finally, if you need use the restroom at any point during the flight, we recommend that you just hold it until landing. There is currently a fully grown grizzly bear trapped in the bathroom and it seems as if she doesn’t want to leave anytime soon.
Dan Dillabough is a writer and stand-up from Toronto, whose work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and on his grandma’s fridge. He tweets at @dandillabough.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.