Jason Stackhouse and Sarah Newlin in the church. Lafayette and James in the parking lot. Jason and Jessica in the back of a pick-up truck. Eric and his fangbanger from Estonia going at it for six hours in the Fangtasia dungeon. Jason and a random hook-up outside Merlotte’s by the dumpster. The whole town in front of Sookie Stackhouse’s residence. In the oversexed world of True Blood, such moments are commonplace; everyone in Bon Temps is doing it everywhere. But of all the sex scenes that have taken place on the show over the course of its seven seasons, it’s not the many very sweet, touching, and romantic moments that will be True Blood’s legacy, but the crazy, bloody, head-turning ones. Here are seven of True Blood’s craziest and most memorable sex scenes.
Bill and his maker, Lorena, had a twisted relationship, picking up would-be swingers back in the early-20th century for a little wife swapping, only to turn the tables on them and have sex in their blood. When they reunited almost 100 years later, Bill was so angry at Lorena for everything she had ever stolen from him — his life, his humanity — that in season three he pushed her on the bed and — as she begged him, “Make love to me,” and he cried, “Never!” — he twisted her head around so he could have hate sex with her without looking at her face. (Um, Bill, there’s another position you could have used for that?) The episode ended with a smile on her face, and his anguished scream. (Hate sex honorable mention: Tara and Eggs getting turned on while beating each other up under Maryann’s influence.)
Perhaps one of the dirtiest sex scenes on the show occurred when a naked Bill crawled out of his grave, grabbed Sookie’s foot, and started having sex with her while the earth still caked his skin. This, mind you, took place a mere two days after the first time Bill and Sookie had engaged in sexual relations, and she’d apparently already given up wearing any undies, even though she believed him to be dead. While she minds where he bites her (“Not the neck!”), she doesn’t seem to care about all the dirt being pushed deep into her bodily orifices. Cut to the following week, when Sookie’s at her OB/GYN…
Jason Stackhouse seemingly had a different sexual partner every single episode in True Blood’s first season, from Maudette to Dawn to Randi Sue (she of the aforementioned garbage dump). But he may have found true love with Amy Burley, were it not for the whole kidnapping-vampires sideline. “Let’s just screw and do V until we starve!” he proposed, before she explained that they hadn’t had sex during their first V trip. “Whoa! I want to not have sex with you so bad, you don’t even know …” During the second V trip, though, they started having sex right in front of their kidnapping victim. “First we have to thank the vampire for the gifts that he’s bestowed upon us,” Amy said. “Fuck you,” Eddie retorted, as they started envisioning a magical green forest that they’d have to swim through. “Where are we?” Jason wondered. “Nowhere,” replied Amy. “Everywhere. Together.”
Maryann Forrester sure knew how to throw a party! She got most of Bon Temp to really let loose — and to eat dirt and cut off their own fingers and to kill a chosen few. Andy Bellefleur called it “the orgy from hell,” probably because there was a lot of group sex among people who may or may not have known each other, and some people whom you really didn’t want to see naked. (Remember the coroner?) But at least Tara and Eggs, as well as Arlene and Terry, managed to keep it monogamous.
When Eric Northman discovered that Russell Edgington was the one behind the massacre of his human family, he conned the vampire king into trusting him enough to leave him alone with his progeny/husband, Talbot. After a game of chess, Talbot asked Eric to take off his clothes, and soon the two of them were naked on the floor. “Turn over,” Eric commanded, and Talbot obliged, as Eric grabbed a stake and told him, “Russell took my family. Now I take his.” The only question was: How many ways did Eric penetrate Talbot before he became goo on the floor?
Was it incest when Bill had sex with his maker, essentially his mother? What about when Eric had sex with his “sister,” so-called because they shared a maker? Or what about when Bill started dating Portia Bellefleur, who was his great-great-great-granddaughter? It was one thing when they didn’t realize their (distant) blood relationship, but even afterward, Portia didn’t care. Bill had to glamour her into being terrified by him, so that she would scream and run away at the sight of him. (Still, the inbred werepanthers who raped Jason have the monopoly on mass incest, but the less said about them, the better.)
Drink Me Sex
During season four, Eric lost his memory but gained a new love when Sookie fell for the new Eric. They first consummated their relationship during a tryst in the woods — which Alcide of course spied on. This was followed by more sex at Sookie’s house, during which, at one point, he asked her to drink his blood, so that they could “be as one,” even though she wasn’t injured. At least she didn’t rip into his throat the way Tara did with Franklin Mott — but once Warlow arrived on the scene, Sookie seemed comfortable with biting her lover’s neck and drinking his blood. “They call me a danger whore,” she told him. After dating two vampires, a werewolf, a shapeshifter, and a vampire-faerie hybrid, what’s left on the menu?