unsolicited advice

18 People and Other Topics South Park Should Lampoon This Season

Photo: Comedy Central

It’s been roughly two decades since South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s homespun Christmas video card planted a dirty seed in the cable television landscape. Since their series debuted in 1997, the two have lampooned everything and everyone from Game of Thrones to Barbra Streisand to Hillary Clinton’s private parts. They’ve also — inadvertently perhaps — changed the game by making cable television a satiric arena that has room for scatological, politically incorrect, and borderline libelous jabs. Tonight, South Park premieres its 18th season on Comedy Central. Below are 18 suggestions for people, topics, and trends we hope Stone, Parker & Co. parody this time around.

1. Guardians of the Rockies
A Halloween episode in which the boys exchange season 16’s Avengers costumes for Guardians of the Galaxy ones might be too easy, but a world that has Kenny doubling as Groot (and then obviously reborn as a dancing baby in a flower pot) would be a beautiful one.

2. Kim and Kanye’s wedding
Kanye West hated being called a gay fish. So he got married. Your move, South Park.

3. Matthew McConaughey and True Detective
Mr. McConaughey is really good at driving Lincolns, winning acting awards, describing time as a flat circle, and making funny faces. In other words, he’s ripe for a trip to South Park. Fresh off True Detective, it would also be nice to see him working closely with Officer Barbrady.

4. Tinder, Grindr, JDate
Online dating derails Stan and Wendy’s emotional roller-coaster of a relationship when it meets South Park — and Cartman’s Catfish-style braggadocio. Also, swipe right for Butters, ladies.

5. Dance Moms
There are unconfirmed rumors of this being a real episode this season. Regardless, here’s to hoping we see the reunion of Fingerbang in a competitive setting.

6. ISIS, Satan, and Saddam
In a cartoon world where Saddam Hussein and Satan have a close relationship — and during a time when there are talks of U.S. ground troops fighting ISIS in Iraq — it might be a good opportunity to bring back our favorite tyrannical couple to spice things up.

7. Apparently Kid
This kid has to — theoretically — be around Ike’s age. Don’t kick the baby. (Or, do. Your call, Kyle.)

8. Orange Is The New Black
The Goths could probably use some serious professional help and rehabilitation after last season’s installment. Or maybe this would have to involve Mrs. Cartman (it’s not unlikely that she and Pornstache would hit it off). Either way, Pennsatucky would probably have a thing or two to say.

9. Joan Rivers/Robin Williams
South Park has a thing for dead celebrities and their ghosts. Didn’t Chris Rock say Joan Rivers could take on Robin Williams? Food for thought.

10. The NFL’s Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson
Amid charges of domestic abuse charges and child abuse, NFL stars Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson could consider a move to Colorado — to help the South Park Elementary Cows on the gridiron. You get the feeling Randy Marsh and the guys in his Fantasy League would be over the moon about something like this. Sharon and Sheila not so much. These are touchy subjects, but that would only seem to encourage Stone and Parker to take them on.

11. Celebrity Babies
Remember that episode when Prince George of Cambridge, North West, and Blue Ivy all somehow ended up in the same South Park daycare as Ike? Me neither. Hasn’t happened yet, but add the new Mendes-Gosling baby to that mix and we might just have something glorious.

12. The Cloud
Jennifer Lawrence versus the world, seeking vengeance against perverts and The Cloud. Randy and Gerald would probably be in trouble.

13. Iggy Azalea, Beyonce, Nicki Minaj
Please. For all that is sacred and holy. Please this. A South Park showdown of epic proportions: the surprises, the surfboards, the anacondas, oh my.

14. Click Bait
Wendy Testaburger would have to be an advocate of hard-hitting, good old-fashioned print journalism. And, naturally, everybody else in South Park would resort to such click-bait-centric sites as BuzzFeed, Upworthy, and Distractify for updates. Save journalism in South Park, Wendy (with obscenities, funny scenarios, and a solid moral). We’re begging you.

15. Ariana Grande
Breaking News: Ariana Grande allegedly prefers the left side of her face. Sorry, getting Britney Spears flashbacks right now.

16. Sons of Anarchy
We’re looking at you, Butters (aka Prof. Chaos). (And probably Tweak, too.)

17. Yeezus Saves
In which Kanye West takes full advantage of his Yeezus persona. He heals the handicapped so they can finally stand at his shows, without him having to ask. It’d be a nonpareil Christmas miracle. Happy Holidays, Timmy, and Praise Yeezus!

18. Dan Snyder, Robert Griffin III, and the Washington Redskins
A season 18 preview clip teased recently shows Cartman doing what he does best: pushing people’s buttons. RG3 looks pissed.

Honorable Mentions: Scotland, phablets, Pinterest, Miley Cyrus, Girls, Taylor Swift, Pharrell’s hat, Chris Christie, The Simpsons.

18 Topics South Park Should Lampoon