In Keanu Reeves’s new movie, John Wick, he plays a stone-faced contract killer — perfect casting for an actor famous for his otherworldly impassiveness. Ha-ha, you might say, Keanu Reeves is playing another role where he doesn’t have to emote. But those who joke about Keanu and his immobile face haven’t been paying attention.
*This post originally ran on Vulture on December 11, 2008.
Emotion: Baseline Keanu-ness
Year depicted: 2003
Habitat: The Matrix Revolutions
Field notes: The purest, most basic facial expression of Keanu, aided by wraparound sunglasses.
Kean-u-meter: 0
Emotion: Unconsciousness
Year depicted: 2003
Habitat: The Matrix Reloaded
Field notes: Keanu is in the Matrix.
Kean-u-meter: 1
Emotion: Alienation
Year depicted: 2008
Habitat: The Day the Earth Stood Still
Field notes: Keanu is a literal alien.
Kean-u-meter: 1
Emotion: Concern
Year depicted: 1991
Habitat: My Own Private Idaho
Field notes: “When will my friend awaken?” wonders Keanu.
Kean-u-meter: 1
Emotion: Serenity
Year depicted: 1993
Habitat: Little Buddha
Field notes: Keanu is Siddhartha.
Kean-u-meter: 1
Emotion: Annoyance
Year depicted: 1986
Habitat: River’s Edge
Field notes: Keanu’s impassive face excels at covering up lies, as when he plays a character who isn’t telling his mother about a dead body.
Kean-u-meter: 1
Emotion: Confusion
Year depicted: 2001
Habitat: Sweet November
Field notes: A classic Keanu expression, and one that can be found in nearly every Keanu habitat.
Kean-u-meter: 1
Emotion: Thoughtfulness
Year depicted: 1995
Habitat: Johnny Mnemonic
Field notes: The futuristic headgear gives this facial expression a certain poignancy it might otherwise lack.
Kean-u-meter: 1
Emotion: Mild consternation
Year depicted: 1996
Habitat: Chain Reaction
Field notes: Keanu is watching a physics experiment go awry. (We’re pretty sure his eyes are really wide behind the goggles.)
Kean-u-meter: 2
Emotion: Sympathy
Year depicted: 2005
Habitat: Thumbsucker
Field notes: Keanu is reaching out to a troubled teenage boy.
Kean-u-meter: 2
Emotion: Pensiveness
Year depicted: 2001
Habitat: Hardball
Field notes: Notice the slight tilt of the head, which distinguishes this from Thoughtfulness.
Kean-u-meter: 2
Emotion: Contemplation
Year Depicted: 2009
Habitat: The Private Lives of Pippa Lee
Field Notes: Keanu is lost in thought.
Kean-u-meter: 2
Emotion: Worry
Year Depicted: 2011
Habitat: Henry’s Crime
Field Notes: Keanu’s wife Debbie has just asked him if he wants children.
Kean-u-meter: 2
Emotion: Animated
Year depicted: 2006
Habitat: A Scanner Darkly
Field notes: The slight droop of Keanu’s left eye is more apparent in this habitat than in any other.
Kean-u-meter: 2
Emotion: Exhilaration
Year depicted: 1991
Habitat: Point Break
Field notes: A rare sighting of the flighted Keanu.
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Overwhelming joy
Year depicted: 2006
Habitat: The Lake House
Field notes: Keanu has just narrowly escaped death to find the woman he loves after two years of searching.
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Scheming
Year depicted: 1993
Habitat: Much Ado About Nothing
Field notes: Simply adding facial hair to Keanu can increase his Kean-u-meter by one to two points.
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Discomfort
Year Depicted: 2013
Habitat: 47 Ronin
Field Notes: Keanu is being flogged in the ass by four samurai.
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Ecstasy
Year Depicted: 2013
Habitat: Generation Um …
Field Notes: Keanu has just eaten a cupcake.
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Tortured ecstasy
Year depicted: 1992
Habitat: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Field notes: Keanu is basically receiving a blow job from a topless female vampire.
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Flirting
Year depicted: 2003
Habitat: Something’s Gotta Give
Field notes: Keanu has just met his favorite playwright.
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Awe
Year depicted: 1999
Habitat: The Matrix
Field notes: Keanu is saying, “Whoa.”
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Love
Year depicted: 1995
Habitat: A Walk in the Clouds
Field notes: Keanu is talking to his beloved wife.
Kean-u-meter: 3
Emotion: Sadness
Year Depicted: 2010
Habitat: Park benches
Field Notes: Just imagine how much sadder he would have been if he’d known this photo was gonna show up on 4chan.
Kean-u-meter: 4
Emotion: Aggression
Year depicted: 2000
Habitat: The Gift
Field notes: Keanu is threatening small children. Once again, facial hair adds to the Kean-u-meter score.
Kean-u-meter: 4
Emotion: Gloating
Year Depicted: 2013
Habitat: Man of Tai Chi
Field Notes: Keanu has just vanquished an enemy.
Kean-u-meter: 4
Emotion: Fear
Year depicted: 1989
Habitat: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Field notes: A group of medieval knights are seconds away from killing Keanu.
Kean-u-meter: 4
Emotion: Gratitude
Year depicted: 2000
Habitat: The Replacements
Field notes: Keanu has just been offered a ride by a hot NFL cheerleader.
Kean-u-meter: 4
Emotion: Mild anger
Year depicted: 2008
Habitat: Street Kings
Field notes: Keanu just learned his boss is behind it all.
Kean-u-meter: 5
Emotion: Lust
Year depicted: 1989
Habitat: Parenthood
Field notes: Clearly, Keanu is overwhelmed by his own sexiness.
Kean-u-meter: 5
Emotion: Determination
Year depicted: 2005
Habitat: Constantine
Field notes: Keanu is about to punch a demon while wearing brass knuckles.
Kean-u-meter: 6
Emotion: Severe anger
Year depicted: 1994
Habitat: Speed
Field notes: The bus burning behind Keanu was driven by his friend.
Kean-u-meter: 6
Emotion: Triumph
Year depicted: 1991
Habitat: Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey
Field notes: Surprisingly, this lively facial expression is exhibited by Keanu while portraying a murderous robot.
Kean-u-meter: 7
Emotion: Infernal rage
Year depicted: 1997
Habitat: The Devil’s Advocate
Field notes: Satan himself, enraged that his protege, Keanu, has shot himself in the head, adopts Keanu’s form and screams at the sky while bearing wings made of fire.
Kean-u-meter: 9. Unlikely to be surpassed anytime soon.
Emotion: Horror, revulsion
Year depicted: 1992
Habitat: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Field notes: Keanu has just watched three vampires devour a baby.
Kean-u-meter: 10. This is the highest rating ever achieved on the Kean-u-meter, and is offered as an example of the acting heights Keanu can reach.
