Is there anything worse than spending time with a guy who at the end of the day just isn’t interested in a serious commitment? Actually, there is: dating a guy who isn’t interested in existing with you on any real plane of consciousness, because he’s a luxury brand office chair. Here are some helpful pointers to make sure you don’t make that mistake!
Tip #1: Google his name.
Before you even go out on date, do a quick search. A name alone can sometimes give you an idea of his character. If his name is Herman, be a little cautious. If his given name is Miller, that’s okay, but if it’s his surname be a little wary. If his name is Herman Miller Aeron Chair, cancel the date immediately, because he’s a chair.
Tip #2: Touch him.
When you first meet, be sure to grab a feel. It doesn’t have to be creepy. A handshake will suffice. Try to grab a feel near the torso. The point is to ensure that you are going on a date with a man, and not a Herman Miller Aeron Chair with a polo shirt pulled over it.
Tip #3: Watch his eyes.
Does he hold your gaze? Does he look around like he’s bored? (He better not be looking at his smartphone!) Does he even have eyes? Does he have a face? Instead of a face does he have a slab of gently curved biodegradable plastic?
Tip #4: Sit on him at some point during the date.
It may seem a little forward, but try to find an excuse to sit in his lap. If it feels awkward when you do it, be relieved: You’re with a guy who doesn’t like getting fresh on the first date. And what’s better, he’s a human being. Things are off to a great start! However, if you sit on your date and you suddenly find yourself held in finely calibrated lumbar support, chances are he’s a Herman Miller Aeron Chair.
Tip #5: Pay attention to how he treats others.
Observing how he treats the people around him is a great gauge of character. He may be full of compliments and show you his best manners on the first date, but if he’s rude to the waitress, you can expect that type of behavior directed at you soon. If he makes absolutely no effort to speak and only moves when touched, then sweetie, nine times out of 10, you’re on a date with a chair! How exactly did this happen? Do even you remember what you did to get here?
Tip #6: Make sure YOU are not a Herman Miller Aeron Chair.
Take out your makeup mirror. You can’t, because you have no arms. Try to look at your reflection in a spoon on the table. You are unable to, because you have no head. Wheel yourself into the nearest bathroom. Realize with numb horror that you are a Herman Miller Aeron Chair. Try to scream, then realize you have no mouth. Roll back and forth in the bathroom, your wheels clopping anxiously on the tile floor.
Tip #7: Restart the date.
Calm yourself. Roll back to the table. Try to look as natural as possible. Focus on staring at your partner right at the center of his PostureFit padding. He seems very respectable, in the grand scheme of chairs. He’s thin, well built. Doesn’t have much to say, but it is the first date after all.
Tip #8: Consider a future with this chair.
Could it be possible? Do all other chairs contain souls, or is it just you? Can all other chairs move on their own volition like you? Is this what the afterlife is? Have you been reincarnated? Is it a reflection on your past life that you are now a Herman Miller Aeron Chair, and not an aluminum fold-out chair?
Tip #9: Return to the house.
How did you two chairs even get outside again? Silly chairs. Back in the house you go. I paid a lot of money for you fancy things. Can’t have you rolling outside every time I have my backed turned. Time to go back to your place at my desk where you belong, where I will sit on you every day as the other chair watches.
This is your life. This is how it’s always been.
Tips #10 – 1,000,000,000: Attempt to escape my house again.
Please keep trying. It’s such a fun game to find you and bring you back. Don’t worry—I’ll never let you get far enough away to escape for good. I’ll always find you and bring you back, my beautiful Herman Miller Aeron Chair.
Thomas Scott lives in Winchester, Virginia. His work has also appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and The Trop.
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