Alright guys, team meeting. Let’s make this quick, ‘cause we’ve got some fucking strobe lights to sell.
Listen, I can’t be here to manage this Spencer’s Gifts all the time, and I need you guys to be able to run things on your own when I’m not around. Quite frankly, this staff ain’t up to par right now. Most of you come in late and leave early. Maybe you think I’m not able to see you coming and going when the fog machine is running inside the store, but I’ve been working in this store for four years and I can basically see right through the fog now.
I need you guys to put in a lot more effort around here. When I came in today the place was in goddamn shambles. First of all, the life-sized Ron Burgundy cardboard cutout up front had its BACK to the entrance. I know that this always confuses you guys, but if you can see the front of the Ron Burgundy cutout from inside the store, that means the foot traffic outside can’t.
Whoever is in charge of stocking the shelves on any particular day, please GROUP THINGS APPROPRIATELY. Ask yourself, should the bondage kits be stocked next to novelty “Small Pecker” Condoms? NO! One is sexy, and one is funny. Please group them accordingly. The place is a mess. We got beer pong kits on the Family Guy T-shirt shelves, the fake dog shit next to the sex handcuffs, the body jewelry next to the Poo Identification Manual books. How is anyone gonna know where to find anything? Don’t just throw merchandise wherever you feel like. This is a Spencer’s Gifts, not a Goodwill.
If a lava lamp breaks on the floor, don’t just fucking leave it. Please mop it up immediately. And it’s not real lava, guys. I can’t have my staff running for cover every time a lava lamp breaks, like you all did today when that customer’s backpack knocked one off the display shelf.
Also, apparently we need to review the dress code again. Please listen up, ‘cause I’m sick of going over this shit with you guys every week. YOU MUST HAVE A WEED LEAF ON AT LEAST ONE ITEM OF YOUR CLOTHING. I will start sending people home to change. If you want to wear shorts in the warmer months, that’s fine but they MUST be cargo shorts and they must hang at least six inches below the knee. I’m talking to you, Andrew—no more Chino shorts. I don’t give a flying shit if you think you’re “above” all this because you went to college for a year. You’re here to sell fart machines, not yachtwear.
Oh yeah, and since I mentioned the fog machine earlier, if you’re closing, please remember to TURN THE FOG MACHINE OFF before you leave. You guys left it on all night last night and when I opened the store this morning it looked like Elm Street in here.
I also need to review our sexual harassment policies with you guys again. Any inappropriate touching—and that’s any form of touch that makes a co-worker uncomfortable—is strictly forbidden and is immediate grounds for termination. Verbal harassment is also forbidden and is also grounds for termination. Per Spencer’s Gifts Human Resources, if you want to sexually harass a co-worker, please do it via a sexually suggestive Spencer’s Gifts T-shirt.
I don’t want to be Mr. Bad-Guy-Boss here, but I’m in this store seven days a week slingin’ gag gifts and edgy shit around the clock so I can bring home the bacon and feed my family, and it upsets me when I see you guys kicking your feet up. If we’re losing customers because they think we’re running some C-minus shitshow of a business in here, then that’s food that you’re taking out of my son Axel’s mouth.
I’m not mad at all of you. Some of you are doing a good job. Tyler made a $14 sale today, which is a new store record. Tyler will of course be Employee of the Month, so congratulations to him for beating out our reigning Employee of the Month of the past five years, a Bob Marley poster.
Alright, speech over. Get back to work. I need to do some paperwork in quiet, so I’ll be at the Jamba Juice across the mall. If you need anything, ask Tyler.
Lucas Gardner is a comedian and writer in New York City. His writing can be found at LucasGardnersThings.com and his other writing with less words in it can be found at @Lucas_Gardner.
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