The Original Paleo Diet, by Keith Wisniewski

Zogg thank you all for coming to Zogg’s cave. Zogg has some big news to share. Sure, Zogg may not have come up with idea for fire, but Zogg have pretty good idea to stay trim and healthy. Zogg call it the Paleo Diet.Zogg know this works, because Zogg used to be what you call “big boned,” but is now in shape. Zogg even have “six pack” and is getting all the ladies in the Eurasian subcontinent, thanks to this diet. And you can, too. It’s so simple, even a Neanderthal could follow it.

Step one: Eat meat.There, Zogg teach you everything about Paleo Diet!

Zogg kidding, of course. Zogg have highly developed sense of humor for his tribe. There more to it than that. The first thing you need to do is catch some meat. This harder than it seems, because meat doesn’t like to be caught. In high school, Zogg held the state record for javelin. So, Zogg use those skills to hunt wild animals with spear. Zogg so good he can hit a rabbit at 40 yards. But, if you aren’t as good as Zogg with spear, Zogg suggest clubbing raccoons when they tip over your garbage can. Zogg says you’re welcome.

Besides rabbit, Zogg likes to eat bear, wildebeest, dire wolf, badger, you name it. But, Zogg’s favorite dish is giraffe. On Zogg’s Paleo Diet, you can eat foot after foot of delicious giraffe neck and not gain any weight. Hey, Atoouk, who’s the genius now? (Atoouk invent the wheel.)

But that’s not all. Zogg’s miracle diet lets you eat fruits, vegetables, and even nuts! The only downside is foraging and gathering. Zogg more of hunter than gatherer, so it boring to him. Besides, Zogg gathers sticks for fire and stones for house, so last thing Zogg wants to do at end of day is gather food. Come to think of it, Zogg could use vacation.Wow, this diet sounds great, you say to Zogg. Is there anything we can’t eat? Unfortunately, yes. On Zogg’s Paleo Diet you can’t eat pasta. I know, Zogg love it, too. But, you can still go to olive garden. You just have to eat olives. Pretty simple.

Besides pasta, you can’t eat any grains. This comes with warning, cavemen. It may make your cavewoman upset. After long hard day of her picking wheat, then hours mashing it up, then cooking it over fire to make bread, your cavewoman will be none too pleased when you push it away. Zogg’s cavewoman so upset that she push Zogg away when he try to put moves on her. Hey, Zogg never say this diet perfect.

Also, if you like dessert, you will have to make small change as well. Instead of cupcake or ice cream after dinner, just replace with sensible portion of wild boar. If you like slice of pie, replace with slice of yak. A cookie can easily be substituted for raw fish head. You see where Zogg going with this.

Dairy is another big no no on Zogg’s Paleo Diet. But don’t worry, many typical dairy products can be easily reimagined. For example, you’d be surprised how good rat milkshake can be. Mmmm, it so good, you’ll feel like you’re cheating!

How exactly does this diet work? Good question. Zogg believes it’s because the food on Zogg’s Paleo Diet is overall low in energy density compared to other diets, meaning there are less calories per gram of food. And, it’s also high in micronutrient density, meaning you get more vitamins and nutrients on average per gram of food. But Zogg not doctor, so don’t quote Zogg on this.

Listen, fellow cavemen and women. Zogg can guarantee that if you follow his Paleo Diet, you will live long, healthy life. Maybe even all the way to ripe old age of 23! Zogg living testament. Zogg has never felt better. He has spring in his step, and barely dragging his knuckles any more. Zogg already went down four sizes on his deerskin loincloth.

I know it all a lot to take in. So, Zogg compiled his whole Paleo Diet for you in handy chiseled tablet. Please, buy copy of chiseled tablet on your way out of cave. You’ll be glad you did! Thank you, and remember: Zogg’s results not typical, please see doctor before starting Zogg’s Paleo Diet.

Keith Wisniewski is a writer living in Chicago, Il. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Big Jewel, and other fine humor publications. Follow him on Twitter.

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The Original Paleo Diet, by Keith Wisniewski