The Vampire Diaries
Alright gang, we missed a week for Thanksgiving, but now we are back (and what better way to burn off those extra holiday calories than watching TVD, am I right?). I, for one, am super thankful: for our beloved show, six seasons in; for the cast and crew, especially Ian’s eyebrows and Paul Wesley’s jawline; and for all of you, who read these recaps week after week. So let’s dig in:
Alaric and a room full of candles. Put on some mood music and I’m into this plan; the rest of the episode can wait. Let’s dance. Plus 80.
Jo’s “Aw, where’s yours?” when Alaric handed her the bottle of wine wins her points right off the bat. Dude, this girl has an effed-up past and is a borderline alcoholic, which means she’s definitely your soul mate. Lock that down now. Plus 100. (This also means she’s like 90 percent likely to die by season’s end, so minus 20.)
“Betray your brother and get your freedom.” I never learned these rules of siblinghood. Whatever happened to share your crayons and take care of one another? Minus 12.
“Sooner or later you’ll find yourself lying in the middle of the road, pouring your heart out to a stranger, having an existential crisis.” Damon, have you met your brother? He is the literal definition of an existential crisis. Jesus, these two desperately need some Freud up in their shit. Minus 8.
Of course everyone forgot to tell Jeremy that there was a slight possibility Bonnie was maybe potentially still alive. Minus 25.
“And everything is going to go back to the way it was. Because I have never heard that before.” Fed-up Jeremy is totally hot. Just like Hunter Jeremy and season-two-slicked-back-hair Jeremy. (Drunk Jeremy, not so much.) Plus 16.
I’m really all about Tyler and Liv. All the heart emotions. Plus 10.
Shots, shot, shots, shots … oh, right, wait, drinking blood is still gross. Minus 4.
Call me sentimental, but I love Delena road trips. Something horrible always happens, but they are also where Elena usually realizes something good about Damon she didn’t know before. (Please let this happen soon because I am tired of screaming “BUT HE LOVES YOU” at the television.) Plus 20.
Here’s why I like Kai: He’s a formidable villain. Zero empathy. Total insanity. I can’t wait until Stefan and his hero hair burn him to the ground (with flammable hairspray because, let’s be real, we all know he hits up the male version of DreamDry once a week). Plus 10.
Elena pretending to know what a pager is made my day. (I used them and I’m still not 100 percent sure what they were. But I also barely know how to work my iPhone, so minus 5 points for me.)
“And now we sit by the phone like a 13-year-old girl, and wait.” This is Damon describing me sitting on the edge of my bed waiting for him and Elena to get back together. I know, guys. From season-one Stelena freak until now, I’ve changed. I’ve regressed to adolescence. Save me. Minus 14.
“I really don’t feel like cleaning up two corpses today.” How often does the corpse-cleaning-up thing happen, in real time? Once a week? Every few days? Maybe they should keep a cleaning service on retainer. No points, just facts.
Rules of TVD: Twitter is cool, journals are lame. (Yeah, so lame, everyone stopped writing in them like five seasons ago. Can we rename our show The Vampire Shenanigans? That’s more accurate.) Minus 6.
“Who are you? A badass?” Yep, Bonnie is a badass, and let me tell you, it is. About. Time. (This moment with her and Elena on the phone made me happy. Let’s get the friends back together soon, show!) Plus 50.
Kai understands Twitter in like two seconds when he’s never even seen a real cell phone? Can Apple hire this guy for those one-on-one tutorials? Because I’d give him a serious recommendation. Plus 8.
“Liv. Ironic.” Yes, especially since Kai will probably be dying in the next T-minus-eight episodes. (Is that good or bad? I like him, but I know Delena will just mope and whine eternally until he is gone, so I’m going with plus 30.)
As much as Elena making vampire-fang pancakes for Damon is the most adorable thing ever, I am very concerned. How are they so calm? Their search-and-rescue-in-alternate-dimensions success rate is VERY LOW. Your plans never work, guys, please be more nervous about this. Minus 17.
“I know you’re lying.” Plot twist! Sarah is not a Salvatore, just some con girl. Stef (protective, adorable, always-lookin-out-for-the-family Stef) knows exactly where Sarah is, and has all this time. Which begs the question: Who is this girl, and why did she come looking for the Salvatores? Plus 20.
Here’s the thing about Bonnie: Maybe we underestimated her at points, but now it is very clear that she is the glue that will bring Damon and Elena back together. Plus 12 for the tears I am definitely not crying right now.
“Bonnie and I came here every day. It was the closest I had to a picture of you.” Alright, now you had to bring the Gilbert house into it, so I’m crying. There, I said it. Pass a tissue. Plus 40.
“I’m sorry I compelled away the memories. They were only half mine.”
“We’ll make new ones.”
This was one of my favorite moments in the season so far. For all of the paranormal things that happen on this show, it’s still deeply rooted in what is human: how our memories forever link us with other people, whether we choose to move on … or start again. Plus 100.
“There’s a psycho loose in Mystic Falls, and the vampires don’t know how to stop him.” Kai, you’re still so new here. They never know how to stop the villains, buddy. And yet they always do. Plus 25.
The scene where Bonnie runs to the house and sees they aren’t there was just pure gold. Kat Graham, way to kill this scene without even a word. We’ve been waiting six seasons for your full power, and I have a feeling we’re just at the tip of the iceberg. Plus 200 for Kat, and for Bonnie, who is definitely my MVP of season six.
I’m loving the way Matt’s journey is unfolding this season: After six years (or the two years it’s been in the TVD timeline), he is finally taking control of his life and not letting the whims and priorities of the vamps dictate his survival. However … I think this means his mission to kill Enzo might end very badly for him, because he was right: In the end, the vampires always win. No points, because I’m scared.
We’re in the green again this week, and there’s one more episode to go before we break for the holidays. Of course it’s Christmas-themed, because in TVD Land, Thanksgiving and Christmas are two weeks apart, but … semantics, people! Are you ready to see Jeremy back in hunting mode? How will Damon and Elena scheme to get Bonnie back next week? Until then, you can find me here.