New year, nude you, right? What is it again? Regardless, you’ve got to lose weight. Even if you haven’t stuck to your new year’s resolution so far this year, these surefire cleanses will get you back on track to becoming the next Ariana Grande. Give ‘em a try, and remember: Failure is not an option.
Text Message Cleanse: This year is your year to put communication with actual words behind you. Embrace emoji in a real way, and finally gain the ability to send clear messages that actually mean something. When it comes to reaching out to the ones closest to you, a simple knife emoji typically says it all.
Gluten-Free Cleanse: Note: this does not mean you should adopt a gluten-free lifestyle. This year, in order to keep both your taste buds and the alien god Xenu happy, you must immediately clear everyone from your life who claims they can no longer “tolerate” gluten. Set up an elaborate but romantic ceremony to renew your vows with a loaf of bread. Invite butter to the reception only.
Condiment Cleanse: Mustard, like your fertility, doesn’t last forever. Take those jars out of your fridge, dress them up in hats, and now you have a party.
Cheese Cleanse: No, we do not mean stop eating cheese. What are you, insane? This is more of a saying cheese cleanse. If you’re going to be photographed this year, stop all of that dumb smiling. You look like a Golden Retriever. Try and look sullen, like an Olsen or that Mr. Yuk sticker.
A Friends and Family Cleanse: This may sound drastic, but let’s be serious: WHO NEEDS THEM?!?!?!?!?!
Gravity Cleanse: What’s the most important thing about being a woman? Right, your weight. This year, throw out the scale—and the concept of basic physics—and forgo the natural law that causes you judge yourself. Sure you may need to spend millions of dollars or commit a felony and break into NASA, but it’s so worth it to not know about those “extra 10 pounds.”
Cotton Cleanse: Every fashion magazine, runway report, and style blogger out there will tell you that 2015 is all about burlap and rayon. You shouldn’t be caught dead in a natural fiber this year unless you want your friends to recommend you for a makeover show where they force you to buy a new wardrobe of blazers.
Walking Forwards Cleanse: From this day forward, you’re only walking backward. Goodbye.
Honesty Cleanse: Congratulations. You no longer have to tell the truth. This will give you the ability to finally take full advantage of your creative side, and your addiction to those pain medications.
List Cleanse: The internet is overflowing with stupid lists like “23 Reasons You Know You’re From South of the Black Sea” and “10 Perfect Strangers Gifs That Will Remind You Of Chinese Food.” Stop clicking on them, stop reading them, just stop. You don’t need stupid lists to be a contributing member of society. (Oh, but this one totally doesn’t count, because it’s, you know, good.)
Goose Cleanse: This is what everyone’s talking about, right? Honk, honk.
Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers in New York City. They co-authored the successful parody ebooks Lean Over: Women, Work, and Women’s Work and Marry Smart OR DIE! They are best friends.
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