Somewhere, in an expensive resort, an ABC executive grins as he glides out of bed; his tanned, bare feet hit the exquisite marble floor with a satisfying slap. His lover, a high-powered representative from the Bali tourism board, stands at the window sipping a cappuccino, staring out at the turquoise waves lapping against the shore. The two incredibly powerful and beautiful people stare into each other’s eyes as the morning sun streams into their bedroom through gauzy drapes. The ABC executive asks, “Well?” and the high-powered representative for the Bali tourism board stares into the distance and says, “You’re right. Bali’s temples would be the perfect place for a bunch of white people to stand and perform an arbitrary reality-TV show ceremony.”
And so it was. We’re going to Bali!
Chris and the ladytestants head to Bali to perform one of the final rose ceremonies and stay one night in The Fuck Sui— er, The Fantasy Suites. Each ladytestant gets one final one-on-one date with Chris and the chance to spend a night with Chris in scenic Bali. Chris and his date for the day frolic with the locals and take pictures with children on the street, because if white men’s OkCupid profile pictures are any indication, that’s what white people do on vacation.
Chris has narrowed down what he thinks each woman’s issue is and what she needs to do to assuage his fears. Each woman needs to tell him she’s ready to be a mother and give up her life to be with him.
Let me reiterate: The choice to be a wife and mother is a wonderful and awesome choice that many women make and then live fulfilled, kick-ass lives. Any woman who chooses that life for herself is making the right choice. But if the only way for you to be with your partner of choice is you have to give up your career completely and live in an isolated town in the middle of nowhere and pop out some kids immediately, then you might be living in some undiscovered Little House on the Prairie/Fifty Shades of Grey prequel.
Kaitlyn is totally ready to go live with Chris in Arlington and create an awesome little life together. On their date, Chris and Kaitlyn hang out with some monkeys and get peed on. For real — is this some weird Fifty Shades crossover? (Are there water sports in that book? I would be way more into that book and movie if Christian Grey got pissed on.) Kaitlyn says she wishes she were a monkey because she could go after whatever she wants without thinking about it or second-guessing herself.
The Bachelor: Where the Women Wish They Were Less Evolved in Order to Win Over the Man They Love.
Kaitlyn and Chris head back to the resort and share a romantic, candlelit dinner. Chris asks if she’s holding back or has her guard up. Kaitlyn says she feels pressure to tell Chris how she feels because that’s the feeling you want going into spending your first night with a romantic partner: PRESSURE.
I’m serious about the Fifty Shades thing.
In the Fantasy Suite, there’s a bathtub covered in entirely too many rose petals. It goes from romantic to absurd very quickly when they come across that bathtub. It goes from sweet to douchebag when the camera pans from Kaitlyn revealing she has feelings for Chris to his smug face. I expected Chris to try to pull a Han Solo and go “I know” when Kaitlyn tells him she’s falling in love with him. I still hate Chris. I assume they boned.
The next one-on-one date is with Whitney. Whitney, in my opinion, is the one to beat. She’s already told Chris she loves him. They drank some awesome wine on her home visit. Chris says he’s truly missed her. Her biggest issue is Chris doesn’t know if Whitney will give up her career to come to a town of 429 people. Quite frankly, if she were to say, “Oh yeah, I’m ready to give it all up for this relative stranger,” I’d be worri— wait, what’s that? She does this later this episode. Damn it, Whitney, you’re in it to win it.
Whitney and Chris hang out on a boat all day, and the boat captain tries to reenact the climax of the film Speed 2. They jump off the boat into the clear blue water as Whitney’s voice-over plays a clip of her saying she’s 100 percent invested in this relationship and ready to jump in.
Somewhere in L.A., a single Chris Pine tear rolls down the face of the editor. You did it, buddy. You created art.
I assume Whitney and Chris boned.
The last one-on-one date is with Becca. Becca. With the main drama queens eliminated, someone has to step up to disrupt the business of finding love, and I’ll be damned if Becca, indecisive virgin, doesn’t step up to the plate.
Becca and Chris walk around a farming village with no tractors or machinery, and Chris marvels that no one has used this farming technique in 100 years. When does Chris think the Industrial Revolution was? Does Chris know what the Industrial Revolution was? Can Chris spell irrigation?
Chris and Becca visit some mediums who tell them to bang and that Becca is a wild one. OH, MEDIUMS. That’s rich.
Becca is a big ol’ virgin and has never been in love, and tonight is the night to tell Chris. Once in the Fantasy Suite, Becca lays it all out for Chris, and he whispers “all right,” then stammers and stutters that he respects Becca even more, reinforcing the bizarre sexual politics of this show.
The two spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite playing Boggle or something.
The next morning, Chris looks longingly to the sea as Becca strolls back and forth aimlessly, like two leads in a tropical Brontë novel. The lovers spent the night quarreling. Becca apparently isn’t exactly ready to marry a close acquaintance and has some reservations about the whole process.
Before Chris enters a sacred temple to have the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison tells him that there’s no physical affection beyond hand-holding allowed inside, and certainly no kissing. A Chris Pine tear rolls down make-out champion Chris’s face.
The ladytestants are dressed in their finest Balinese garb, and once again, I look forward to someone’s master’s thesis about cultural appropriation performed by reality-TV contestants. (Half of that thesis would be culturally insensitive photo shoots from America’s Next Top Model.)
Chris pulls Becca aside and they talk about how they weren’t happy with how they left things. Kaitlyn and Whitney gossip about how in love with Chris they are and how Becca has no idea who she is or why she’s even there. When Chris reenters with Becca after deciding that they aren’t going to decide anything right now, Kaitlyn’s jaw drops and nearly shatters a priceless Balinese statue.
Whitney gets the first rose. Chris holds the second rose in his hands like a squirrel scared to part with his most delicious and biggest acorn. The name slips out of his maw: “Becca.”
This was the hardest and most excruciating week of Chris’s life. Nothing changed and he doesn’t even know if he made the right decision, which is exactly what you want to hear when a man picks another woman over you.
Kaitlyn is crushed, and in the car ride to the airport, she says this is precisely why she had a guard up, so she wouldn’t get hurt. I feel sorry for Kaitlyn’s next relationship. There is some stuff they are going to have to work through.
Plus, Chris looks dumb in his traditional cummerbund.
Next week: Arlington, Iowa, again, for some reason.