I’ve been dreading this moment. I’ve been dreading this moment since Abbi caught Bevers jacking off to Julianna Margulies. The idea of Matty Bevers, the human equivalent of a fart joke (and an unfunny one, at that), engaged in sexual intercourse of any kind makes me want to vomit in my mouth, repeatedly, until my mouth is so full, I have no choice but to open up the floodgates and let the puke spill out all over my T-shirt — a very Bevers thing to do, actually.
Sorry to get graphic, but “Citizen Ship” really tested my limits with Bevers as a full-blown character instead of merely a source of absurd conflict in Abbi’s life, a lingering representation of her inability to speak up. Whereas “Mochalatta Chills” framed Bevers in a slightly humanizing light because he tried to rise above his patheticness, “Citizen Ship” saw him basking in his worst qualities. “I got moves you’ve never seen,” Bevers brags, practically thrusting and wielding a lightsaber thingy. My feelings were summed up perfectly by Ilana, who, after a mere 20 minutes trapped in the same small ship compartment as him, erupts in disgust, runs to the door, and repeatedly screams, “Fire! Rape! Rape and fire! Fire rape!” They are saved. The Hamlet quote sent me over the edge, too.
Bevers is the Larry David of Broad City, and by that I mean I can only watch him be his peak self for a few minutes before I’m so annoyed, I consider turning it off and reading a book instead.
How they got here is another more charming story altogether. On the occasion of Jaime becoming a U.S. citizen, Abbi, Ilana, and Lincoln board a party ship, courtesy of Abbi’s “roommate” Melody (we still don’t meet her). I love that Abbi and Ilana, like normal women who don’t have a never-ending supply of white power suits and $438 bandage dresses, wear outfits notably seen on Broad City in the past. The lapel stain on Ilana’s white jacket is still there, and it made me happy all episode long because it’s exactly like Ilana not to give a shit, just like it’s 100 percent Abbi to bring Ziploc bags to a buffet party.
All are in high spirits, though the line to the bar is intense and the sea of bros unbearable. One of my favorite details about Broad City is that the sense of place is never downplayed. Abbi and Ilana will make a joke about young lawyers in plaid living in Murray Hill and Williamsburg, despite the fact that it’ll go over many viewers’ heads. That’s the mood of the party, though, and they stay true to it.
Bevers insists that the girls don’t waste their time in line, as he knows where the liquor is kept. This is how they end up inadvertently locked in a tiny room with him discussing sex things. But there is one productive thing that comes out of the debacle: Ilana’s freakout about monogamy. While Bevers prepares to propose to Melody after dating for 12 quarters (great way to mock business), Ilana tries to talk him out of it through sexual reasoning (“Women don’t hit their sexual peak until their very late 30s”). Abbi is trying to convince him of the exact opposite, urging Bevers and Melody to “build a life completely outside of [her] apartment.”
It’s through this conversation that Ilana realizes she hasn’t been true to her ultimate self — her “sexual X-Men” persona, Vulvarine — because she hasn’t seen Lincoln’s dick once today. “We’re sex friends,” she insists. Abbi, as usual, is the voice of reason, noting that given the amount of time Ilana and Lincoln spend together, they’re either in a couple or best friends. “You are my best friend, don’t you ever call anyone else that,” Ilana says, slapping Abbi back to reality. Every week there’s a moment like this, where it’s reiterated that Broad City is a love story between Ilana and Abbi. It’s my favorite part of every episode.
Meanwhile, Jaime and Lincoln play out all my wildest buddy-comedy fantasies. They don’t even notice the girls are gone, instead discussing which Spice Girl each would be. (Lincoln is Posh.) “Open your eyes, man,” Lincoln says, “Shakira is Spicy Spice.” Is it too early to pitch the Jaime and Lincoln spinoff Blood Brothers?
When Ilana and Abbi finally rejoin the party, Ilana is hell-bent on banging Lincoln “P to P (pubes to pubes)” ASAP, to prove that they’re just buddies. (I appreciated the added commentary of seeing super-hetero lawyers sucking each other’s dicks while Lincoln and Ilana look for a spot to get busy.) Bevers and Abbi have more pressing matters: his very public proposal. Melody’s not into it, as it turns out, and Bevers shits the bed immediately. His “save” is to announce that Abbi is transitioning to a man, which she plays off like Oprah in “and you get a car” mode by bellowing, “I’m becoming a maaaan!” And all the fratty lawyers are into her now, cool cool cool.
It’s a happy ending, though, as the gang cruises past the Statue of Liberty while Ilana grabs Lincoln’s wang (“It’s too romantic,” she claims). They all get trashed and cheer on Jaime at his naturalization ceremony the next day. He’d shed a tear, but that would probably make his American flag contacts burn even more, God bless him.