cold showers

The Least Sexy Things That Happen in Fifty Shades of Grey

Photo: Chuck Zlotnick/Universal Pictures

What will you find sexy about the big-screen version of Fifty Shades of Grey? That will depend largely on your own tastes — if you’re turned on by stories in which a billionaire swats a virgin’s underboob with a whip that sort of looks like a mop, then go get your a ticket! But whatever your personal proclivities, there are certain things that happen in this movie that are so defiantly un-sexy that I think we can all agree on them. Here, then, are ten of Fifty Shades of Grey’s most confounding turnoffs. Leave your own suggestions in the comments, and let’s enjoy this communal cold shower together.

• Things get off to an unsexy start almost immediately as our heroine Anastasia wears a horrible Pam-from-season-one-of–The Office outfit to interview Christian Grey. I didn’t know that shapeless cardigans and patterned blouses even came in size “hopeless.”

• In a shot that could easily be in a horror movie, innocent Ana walks through the hardware store she works at and gasps as she discovers Christian Grey waiting for her, Lecter-like, in an empty aisle. There’s nothing sexier than an unblinking man lurking next to a circular saw, am I right, ladies?

• While on a girls’ night out with her friend Kate, a mildly tipsy Ana announces over and over, “I gotta pee,” as though she is a child who has just discovered her vagina. (Which I think she may well be!)

• Christian’s douchey brother chews gum while he’s dancing at the club, which feels like something only a Nick Kroll character should ever do.

• “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week,” Christian tells Ana, a woman who literally can’t even walk into a room without falling down. Let’s not make physical movement any more difficult for the poor dear!

• “I don’t make love,” Christian tells Ana. “I fuck. Hard.” Real talk: This man has never had sex before, right?

• “Email me if you have any questions.” “I told you my computer’s down.” Truly, what have we done to deserve romantic dialogue this scintillating?

• “I would like to fuck you into the middle of next week,” Christian tells Ana. This sounds less like an appealing come-on and more like something you’d have to fire up iCal for. No thank you, sir!

• Christian sniffs Ana’s panties, which really seems like something he would do after brutally murdering her, but what do I know?

• Anastasia flees to Georgia to visit her mom; Christian stalks her across state lines, finds the restaurant where she’s drinking, sends her a passive-aggressive text — “Another cosmo?” — then appears out of nowhere to yank the martini glass out of her hand. This, from a man who drinks more white wine than an Arizona sorority girl? There’s nothing less sexy than getting in between a woman and her alcohol, Christian: Try it again, and there won’t be a Red Room big enough to contain that pain.

The Least Sexy Things in Fifty Shades of Grey