The Vampire Diaries
I haven’t yet recovered from last week’s traumatic good-bye to Sheriff Forbes, but if there’s one thing we’ve learned from our beloved show, it’s that death stops for no one. (Oh, wait, flip that: It’s that death stops no one … until now, that is.) With our gang mourning one of their own, we watched them each grapple with mortality (and immortality) in different ways, all directed beautifully by the one and only Julie Plec. So let’s get to it, since life is short (or indefinite, or whatever).
Three seconds in and mini-Caroline is already breaking my heart. “But what if you die and I’m still here?” “Then you’ll be all grown-up, and you won’t need me.” This moment is such an important one in the life of every parent and child, and watching it now, after Caroline’s mom is already gone … Minus 12. (Also, BRB, calling my mom.)
Caroline waking up in the Salvatore living room with her friends around her reminds me of the epic sleepover Stefan planned after she’d been tortured for a day. Plus 20 for Stefan being awesome since day one. (Plus another 30 for the lingering stare she gives him while he’s sleeping in a chair. So chivalrous, leaving the couches for the ladies.)
Leave it to Caroline to get funeral practices down to a precise, pageant-style schedule. First order of business: “casket shopping.” (Insert vampire and/or coffin joke here.) I feel weird giving points here, because it’s sad, but also funny?
Bonnie has been in the prison world for 278 days, she has “phesmatosed the crap” out of the magic Canadian rock, and she is ready to go home. (Bonnie is looking a little bit like Tom Hanks in Cast Away right about now, P.S.) Minus 15.
I’ll admit it: My first thought when I saw Jo hunched over the toilet was that it must be filled with tiny, dancing baby Alarics … but it turns out that Kai is sick, too, because of the “hey, you’re not my twin, close enough” merge that happened two weeks ago. Minus 30.
Minus 25 for the tears I cried when I realized we were getting flashbacks of baby Stefan.
Cut to the present, where Lil Bro Stef still needs his Big Bro: “I need your advice, and I need you to not be a dick about it.” Plus 18 for these two being all brotherly lately.
“Pull the rip cord before you make things worse.” Damon, no offense, but for a big brother you do not have the best track record with advice. Get on our level here: Steroline is happening. Support it. Minus 18.
Just when we thought everything was cool, Kai delivers another zinger: There are multiple prison worlds. And just like that, we see Bonnie get whisked away to one that looks eerily like New York right now, i.e., an Ice Age. #bringbonniehome Minus 20.
Seriously, are there adoption papers for baby Stefan that I can file? Ready to take this kid home with me and give him tons of ice cream and a puppy. “You could have just said good-bye!” Minus 45. We are so in the negative this week, guys.
“I was supposed to put you in a category, so I would know what to say to you. But I didn’t know what category you would want to be put in.” The lover category, Caroline. Just put him in the lover category, tell him to come to bed, and let’s take this act on the road. Minus 16 for overthinking this.
Bonnie saw footsteps in the snow! My thought process every time some new twist in the prison worlds is revealed: Please be Katherine. Please be Katherine. Please be Katherine. Plus 12?
It is, however … December 1903? Minus, um, 30. Bonnie needs to come home. Let’s get her a time-turner, please, Hermione. STAT!
“How many days in a row can someone drink before they’re just normal?” Can we retitle this episode “In Which Tyler Asks the Most Valid Question”? Our gang has been through enough. Let’s send them to Punta Cana for some TLC (and yes, more underage drinking). Minus 8.
Damon’s eulogy would have done Liz proud. “You are a bright light in a sea of dark. She said you were extraordinary, and you are.” This felt like the closing of a chapter for Damon and Caroline, in such a subtle yet moving way. Love the growth these two have experienced. Plus 50.
Candice Accola singing was just the icing on my very teary, mushy cake. Plus 32.
Can someone please make a GIF of the Paul-Wesley-Falling-in-Love Face and send it to me on Twitter? You can spam me with it, that’s cool. Plus 17.
Finally, some good news for the humans in our town: Matt wants to follow in Sheriff Forbes’s footsteps and be a cop. And, as an early intervention for Tyler’s alcohol problem, he wants his buddy to join him. This is great, because fighting every supernatural creature in existence makes beating regular old criminals a piece of cake. (I’m making some assumptions here, but it’s television, give me a break.) Plus 18.
Question of the day: Who is this 1903 lady who has pictures of Damon and Stefan? (I’m guessing Mama Salvatore, who didn’t really die and has a lottttt of explaining to do.) Plus 50, because shit just got interesting.
“I would really love to have this baby with you.” So turns out I was right! Jo is pregnant, thanks to Kai pulling a good ol’ psyche on her and stealing her magic, revealing the true cause of her sickness. Life ends, life begins.
We’re having a Mystic Falls wedding, people! Spoiler alert: Someone or ten will end up dead. Remember what happened when they tried to have Christmas?! Plus 100.
Elena confronts Caroline on her (somewhat obvious) plan: to flip her humanity switch to get through the pain, now that the funeral is over. My thoughts during this scene: Caroline, you better not flip that humanity switch until Stefan tells you he loves you literally better than true love.
But then she snaps Elena’s neck instead, so I’m pretty sure the damage has already been done. Minus 1 million points. Steroline is back in the Stone Age.
I never thought I’d see the day, but I literally squealed when I saw pancakes on Damon’s kitchen counter, followed by Bonnie’s run-and-jump into his arms. She’s back!! Finally!!! For the record, Bon Bon, I never forgot about you. Plus 200.
And as I suspected, the 1903 woman is none other than Mama Salvatore. At least Stefan will be busy with a new mystery to solve, now that Caroline seems to have flown the coop. (JK, we know he’s going to travel to the ends of the Earth to get her back, because he’s our Stef.)
Honestly, this episode was my favorite of the season: We needed some story lines tied up in a neat little bow, and we got some really juicy plotlines coming up for the latter half of the season. If you’re hoping Caroline will turn her switch back on the minute she sees Bonnie, join me at a bar for some whiskey drinking, because something tells me that ain’t happening. Until next week, let’s lament on Twitter.