Thanks to last week’s botched mission, Archer and Lana are basically a thing now. The only problem is that they are so much a thing that it’s grossing everybody else out at work. (Too much “smoochie-boochie,” I think.) The rest of the gang — excluding Malory, because she doesn’t know yet — wants things back the way they were. Especially Cyril, who evidently is still in love with Lana and misses Stir Fridays. With no freelance CIA missions to tend to, Cheryl, Pam, Krieger, Ray, and Cyril create Operation Stir Cryday to break up Larcher. Since everybody is mostly incompetent at what they do — save for Lana and Archer — the crew requires the help of an old Russian friend to get the job done.
The Highlight Reel
Without skipping a beat, Lana and Archer pick up where we left them last week, and things are yet again unnecessarily, but hilariously, raunchy. It’s too sinful to watch, to be honest, but here’s the dialogue, so you can picture it … if you so desire:
Archer: C’mon, you know you want it.
Lana: You don’t know what I want.
Archer: Oh yes I do. C’mon, just the tip.
Lana: I don’t know, it’s pretty big.
Archer: I think it’s just standard breakfast burrito size.
Lana: Here, first take a bite of mine.
Archer: No, first you take a bite of mine.
Lana: Let’s do it together.
Archer: Is that crazy? Oh my God, okay.
Together: Oh my God.
Archer: Men’s room?
Lana: Broom closet. It’s dirtier — bring the burrito.
[+1 point to Archer for putting salsa verde on his burrito, but that’s about it. This was a weird opening that’ll probably make Chipotle’s sales dip a little. Sorry, Chipotle. As Cyril puts it, you can thank “the unspeakably revolting symbiotic mass of bodily fluids that is Archer and Lana” … and burritos.]
After Lana and Archer ruin everyone’s breakfast, Cheryl, Pam, Krieger, Ray, and Cyril start brainstorming ways to break up the brutal lovey-doveyness. Pam plants a seed: that it’s especially brutal and inhumane for Cyril to be witnessing all this, which somehow gets everyone onboard either because they’re nice and they want to help Cyril, or because they’re all sadistic and want to set Cyril up to fail (probably the latter).
Also, two quick gems:
Pam: No! The solution to every problem isn’t throwing frickin’ acid on it!
Krieger: Unless the problem is a solution with an overly alkaline pH balance!
Pam: Oh, then Ray’s right.
Ray: And also, duh.
Pam: Well, hurray. Give yourself a hand!
[+1 to Krieger for maybe the most Krieger line of the season; +1 to Pam for still making fun of Ray’s lack of a hand; -1 to their employers for not covering prosthetic limbs in their insurance package; -1 to Krieger for not making a cool robot hand for Ray yet.]
Cheryl comes up with the
best darkest plan, in flip-book form:
Cheryl: A lot of couples break up if their kid dies. Yeah, easy peasy. We hire somebody to kidnap their fat, gross baby. There’s this huge man/baby hunt; it’s in all the newspapers, on the wireless, America’s going ape shit! Then, we double cross the kidnapper, who, obviously, we paid with easily traceable gold certificates. We plant a shit load of dicey evidence in his garage, tip off the cops, he’s basically convicted of being German. And then bizzap! … The child is sent to Bhutan, where for the next 20 years, she’s raised and trained as an assassin by Ra’s al Ghul, before returning to destroy those who once betrayed her.
[+10 to Cheryl for thinking about this in such a detailed way, saying “the wireless,” and obviously reading Gone Girl; also, hahahaha look at Lana’s incredibly giant hands; also-also, another +1 for the Batman reference.]
The broom closet scene with Larcher is also weird, kind of like watching an edgy post-sex scene that would’ve been pitched as a joke for an ABC show. Like what if we ever saw what Phil and Claire Dunphy really talked about after sex? That’s kind of how surreal this was. In the other room, the gang decides that the best way to halt the romance dead in its tracks (and ruin AJ’s life, what the hell?) is to distract Archer with an insanely attractive woman that he’ll think he has to sleep with. It’s a while before they settle on Katya, but Krieger gets them there:
Krieger: Archer won’t risk his relationship with Lana for a previous conquest, especially a prostitute. For a man like him, it’s all about the hunt.
Pam: Well, they’re all gonna —
Krieger: I said hunt.
Pam: Oh … Still, though.
[+1 to Krieger for being the sensible brains — or as Cheryl would say, “Pam’s vagina” — behind this mission; +1 to Pam for sticking to her guns.]
The phone call to convince Katya to come over happens at light-speed and seems too easy. Boris is just as frustrated as we are:
[But +1 to Katya for being DTF for the team; also, probably -1 to Boris for giving up so easily and just reading while his cyborg-girlfriend washes her private parts in someone else’s sink.]
Fortunately, there’s still a bit of old Archer left in new Archer, and he’s a total dick to Cyril about redating Lana:
Cyril: You’ll never have what she and I had.
Archer: Like what?
Cyril: I don’t know, Archer. The little things, like Stir Fridays.
Archer: You’re right, Cyril. Nothing I could do could ever compare to the sensual pleasures to be found in a greasy wok full of tiny ears of corn and meat the exact size and shape of dice, which —
Cyril: You just realized why that method of chopping food is called dicing.
Archer: Maybe. And maybe since it’s Friday, Cyril, tonight I’m going to make Lana stir fry.
Cyril: What? No!
Archer: Yes! So … SOY YA LATER.
Cyril: Operation Stir Cryday is go. Over.
[+5 to Archer for getting pun nasty; +1 to Cyril for his, too.]
When Archer tells Lana he’s going to cook for her, she thinks he means Woodhouse. (WHICH WAS TORTURE. Every time I hear his name now my heart breaks into smithereens, but it was nice that in this episode the writers finally gave us something to savor, in the form of a “LOSS VALET” sign.)
[+1 to Archer for finally doing something proactive about the Woodhouse problem; -1 to someone, though, because the whole heroin thing paints a very dark picture. Kind of like having your childhood ruined. But then again, not really. If Woodhouse needs heroin to live with Archer, someone find him and give him heroin. We need Woodhouse, even if it means we’re all going to hell in the same Archer-enabled handbasket.]
While Archer’s heading to his apartment to make stir fry, the gang camps out in an ice cream truck (because Krieger has either been moonlighting or being a creep or both). They’ve arranged for Katya to surprise Archer, and then have Lana walk in on them having sex. Because of her advances, as well as the language barrier, Katya has trouble seducing Archer and letting him know he’s on fire. God, this is stressful:
Katya: Let’s get you out of these wet clothes and into something —
Katya: Oh, I can promise you, it is not dry.
[+1 to Archer for trying to be strong; -1 to Katya, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, c’mon.]
Archer is a champ and explains to Katya that he’s changed — even though her new operating system includes the Kama Sutra, bartending proficiency, and a deep understanding and appreciation of men’s lacrosse (HIS DREAMS INCARNATE, YOU GUYS):
Archer: I have change! I have a kid … Yeah, a little baby girl, Abbiejean, with Lana. And then we started going out again and somehow it’s kind of amazing, really. We’re, like, connecting, ya know? And I realized that all this time, even though we fought like cats … and a very tall dog … we’ve always been best friends. And then to realize you might actually be in love with your best friend, who also happens to be the mother of your child … that’s like a miracle. And so even though I’ll always have a special place for you in my heart, and obviously in my slideshow, I feel like I just found Lana after all these years. And I can’t risk losing her again.
[+100,000 to Archer for being mostly virtuous; okay, minus a couple for kissing Katya on the balcony.]
By the time Lana gets there, baaaaaaaaaaaasically everything is fine. Of course, the apartment looks a little suspicious because there are vegetables everywhere and Archer is drunk and half-naked:
Archer: I am new. I am, Lana, I feel like a brand-new man. I’ve really changed.
Lana: Then why is there a vagina in the sink?
[-10 to Katya; ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.]
This episode was kind of mind-blowing. Although things aren’t looking great for #TeamLarcher, the writers of this show have somehow managed to balance new Archer with old Archer. We have a family man who can turn down Katya, but still get away with a kiss. We have a hero who can not quite make stir fry, but still make Lana fall for him. We have a guy who is a total asshole, but apparently deep down knows what he has to do — and does it, instead of self-sabotaging himself and going on a crazy bender in a foreign country. Despite its outcome, this episode could’ve gone a lot of ways, but I’m glad that our hearts weren’t thrown into oncoming traffic, and that there’s still a chance Lana and Archer can go at this whole non-super-dysfunctional-relationship-plus-parenthood thing. Ultimately, for preserving all that is sacred in this series for AJ, Archer is the MVP x 100. (Although it’s been fun and fulfilling to see Archer grow, I’m kind of scared to see what kind of effect a monogamous relationship will have on the longevity of this series.)
- Felt really bad for Krieger’s girlfriend this episode — between everybody burping on her and saying he should murder her … yikes.
- Also, #tbt to the six-year-old “that’s what she said” and “you’re on fire” jokes.
- This screengrab of everybody from the flip-book is everything.
- This episode was funny in the beginning, and then it was just really stressful and gave everybody high blood pressure — probably one of those episodes you’ll have to rewatch to appreciate.
- Best Ray dis this episode: “Stumplestiltskin.”
- There were a couple of great slideshow references in this episode from Frisky Dingo. RIP.
- Here’s a brief compilation of Woodhouse, because we miss him so much.