Slater, King of the Douches, needs to scan everything the Durhani Prince owns (including his finger prints) — he doesn’t tell anyone why, though. He just makes a complicated plan that involves a dart gun, sexy disguises, and lots of clunky CIA gear that looks like it was probably purchased last week from Staples. The mission takes place at Tunt Manor so Cheryl can pretend to sell the prince her massive house, which is full of carnivorous plants and pervy passageways. Everybody else has the goal of distracting the security guards and the queen, who is slap-happy, a.k.a. sexy, in everybody’s — especially Cheryl’s — eyes.
The Highlight Reel
Slater’s plan to lure the prince into solitude, according to the mission dossiers, sounds nearly impossible. The hardest part involves figuring out a way to separate the prince from his overprotective queen mother, who is just Archer’s type. When Archer sees her for the first time, he becomes the hardest part, audibly:
[+1 point to Archer’s penis for being shameless. This was the beginning of a very important episode for Archer’s member, as well as Archer’s overall emotional health and development.]
Nobody is as excited as Cheryl to be visiting her house. Dressed up as the listing agent, she introduces herself to the prince with a very Cheryl alias:
Prince: So, miss…
Cheryl: …Escrow. My last name is Escrow.
Cheryl: Yes, and trust me I’ve heard all the jokes, hahahaha!
[+1 to Cheryl for thinking on her feet and ignoring whatever name suggestion the mission brief would’ve given her.]
Pam and Lana were jumping into pervertedly bad costumes from Party City, and the former was having a field day because she was stocking up on inappropes photos for future sploosh sessions. (Confession: I wish Pam Poovey had a Snapchat account to follow.) While getting dressed, Lana calls Slater the Wile E. Coyote of the CIA with access to predator drones, which, especially given the Berkeley episode, is the most accurate description of Slater ever. Archer, Ray, and Cyril, meanwhile, bicker and hop into costumes of their own:
Cyril: What the heck got into him?
Ray: More like what he wants to get into, which obviously is the queen’s vagina.
Ray: Or wherever else, although she didn’t look like a Back Dorothy.
[+1 to Pam for following her bliss; +1 to Lana for painting half a picture — who is the Road Runner in this case, though?; +2 to Ray for making our Urban Dictionaries one word larger and for letting us know his backdoordar is in prime condition.]
Archer introduced himself to the prince, much like Cheryl did:
Archer: I’m Butler, the butler.
Cheryl: Wait, your name is Butler or?
Archer: Both, and I’ve heard every joke!
Then the queen wrecks Pam because she speaks out of turn, and, wow, it’s a slap:
Honestly, it rivals THE SLAP:
[+1 to Archer; +1 to Pam’s face for being a hero; +1 to the queen for going bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.]
While Pam’s face is recovering and Archer’s prepping to seduce Queen Pimp Hand Strong, the two reveal they are best friends with each other, a truly monumental moment for both of them because up until this point, Archer’s only friend has really been Woodhouse — who, for all intents and purposes, is extinct. Also, a big deal for Pam because she spontaneously turns into a gorilla and has had a bad history with her addictive personality. With this revelation — good for this show for endorsing that co-workers can be best of friends — Archer opens up to Pam about his desire to bed the queen: Considering all the royal sex he’s had, he’s never had sex with a queen. She’d be his:
Pam: … Moaning Lisa
Archer: Dammit, I was gonna say that.
Pam: Girl with the Pearl Necklace.
Pam: The Potato Eaters
Archer: Stop it!
[+1 to Pam for using obscure knowledge to give us a healthy dose of art appreciation on Throwback Thursday. How badly do you want to go to a museum now and make dirty jokes based on all the placards? Thank Pam.]
Cyril tries to seduce Lana because he’s been a dumb jerk for the last few seasons, but Lana is a champ (kind of):
Lana: Love to, can’t, got a pussy to break.
Cyril: Well, that back fired. … Or did it? Yes, … yes, it most certainly did.
[+1 to Aisha Tyler for nailing this line; -1 to Lana for almost having sex with the prince; +1 to Cyril for being a lovable failure.]
Cyril tattles on Lana for trying to sleep with the prince, then this is what happens to his face:
[+1 to Archer.]
Krieger unfortunately disappeared from this episode because he was OD’ing on tranquilizer darts:
[+1 to Krieger for making us miss him so much.]
Ray has the job of separating the guards from the prince’s entourage. He does so by spritzing the air of a conservatory with powder that’s basically ingestible Ex-Lax. Then one of Cheryl’s carnivorous plants tries to make him its bitch.
Ray: Hey, pretty girl, or boy, or gender fluid, or however you self-identify.
[+1 to Ray for staying politically correct, even in the face of danger.]
Lana’s amazing post-natal yoga body starts killing everybody when she tries to seduce them.
Archer messes up the whole scan-everything-the-prince-owns thing because he’s horny. With royal guards on their tail, the gang gets out of trouble, but only after a brief argument about how the CIA hasn’t had a perfect track record with international incidents:
Slater: If they find out the CIA was behind this, it’ll be an international incident.
Archer: Yeah, God forbid you guys get caught. Hello, front desk? Watergate hotel? This is the Bay of Pigs, in room 61? Could you send up 1,500 poorly trained Cuban exiles?
Cheryl: Oh, and ice?
Slater: Ya done?
Archer: Yes, uh that’s right. And a bucket of ice. Hmm? What’s that? No, we won’t be needing any air cover. Click. Now I’m done.
[+1 to Archer for the historic truth bomb.]
And then something insane happens:
Pam: What about you guys?
Lana: We’re gonna beat him off — hold them off — so you guys can get away to
Archer: Safety or wherever.
Wow, look at how this episode ends:
This is like when you hear people wish for world peace during the holiday season, and obviously it never comes. But imagine a scenario in which it actually comes, and boom — everybody’s hearts erupt with joy because the seemingly impossibly unlikely has just occurred and all is right.
[+10,000 to Archer and Lana.]
Cupid, to be honest. Will there be a second AJ on the way? What does this mean? The Archer-Lana relationship is now officially everything. Thank you, Archer staff, for writing this amazing gift of an episode and also for the incredibly NSFW, but stellar animation.
- What the hell was Krieger doing with refrigerated goat’s feet?
- There was so much slapstick in this episode it was almost like a Three Stooges episode. Not a bad thing.
- Send a search party for Babou; that was an unfair tease.
- Krieger could’ve replaced Ray’s hand with a goat’s foot, but I guess not anymore. Maybe he’ll turn him into Megaman.
- Do you think they would ever do an episode where it’s just AJ and Woodhouse doing random shit, kind of like how Family Guy used to do those episodes with just Stewie and Brian? Would watch.