Chris, making a decision.
Photo: Nicole Kohl/ABC
The first words of this episode are “Whitney, the fertility nurse and Becca is a virgin.” And there you have it folks! Becca’s entire identity has been reduced to if a penis has entered her vagina. America’s favorite patriarchal marriage contract show comes to a close. Did Chris make the right choice? Did Becca ever lose her virginity? Did Whitney ever stop talking? The answer to only one of these questions is, Yes. Let’s get to it.
Chris is back in Iowa and each of the final two ladytestants is going to meet his family and have to answer to Chris’s mom, Linda. Linda is a hearty, salt of the earth woman. She looks like she could have birthed Ron Swanson. She looks like she can lift a tractor over her head. Linda takes no shit, and she wants the best for Chris. Chris hangs out in America’s biggest home garage/workshop with his dad, who I can only assume is both terrified and aroused by Linda, and his brothers-in-law hem and haw about whether to choose Becca or Whitney.
Linda grills both ladytestants on whether they love Chris, and if they’re ready to move to the middle-of-nowheresville, a suburb of Sleepytown. Whitney opens her mouth and never closes it about how much she loves Chris and how badly she wants to be part of a family and is ready to be a wife and a mother. She can be a nurse anywhere.
Everyone also spends the entire visit asking Chris just what he sees in Becca. I’ve dated several people and had family members and friends ask me, “What do you see in him?” I know now that that is code for, “Oh my god, please dear Lord & Taylor don’t continue dating this person.”
After Whitney’s visit, his entire family goes upstairs to order her some of the Soules Christmas Pajamas so she fits in for the family Christmas card. Whitney is just excited to be part of a family that welcomes her and wants her.
If I could play armchair therapist for a moment, I think Whitney came on the show to find a man who wanted her to be part of a family. Her “storyline” was about her parents dying. I can’t tell if the show edited her to seem like she wanted to find another family she could step into or if she really wanted that. Either way, I got a major vibe that Whitney was ready to get married and be a daughter-in-law and it didn’t matter to whom because, seriously Chris?
Gorgeous, successful fertility nurse in Chicago couldn’t find a date so she had to go on The Bachelor? She can do better is all I’m sayin’ but homegirl wants a family. Chris’ gift with purchase is a big ol’ country family.
Becca, on the other hand…Becca. Oh. Becca. Becca is just confused and doesn’t know if she’s ready to do literally anything. You could have asked Becca if she wanted mozzarella sticks and she would have blinked her eyes and just whimpered, “I feel so excited to be with you even though it won’t be easy. Although I can’t make promises on when I’d be ready.” Like girl, it’s just mozzarella sticks.
When Chris greets Becca, the voiceover sounds like he’s a guidance counselor describing a student he’s never really met. Chris’ family nails it when they say he’s defensive about his feelings for her and that’s a major red flag. They remember the last time a California girl didn’t want to come to Iowa. Dang. This family is astute.
Linda, Chris’ ox of a mother, corners Becca and yells at her for 35 minutes, and Becca stammers something resembling affection for her son. Yeah, he’s cool, I guess. I could move to Iowa in like 10 years, I guess. His name is Chris, I guess.
Chris can’t shake Becca, though. He just can’t shake the hold that…that…I can’t even think of a word to describe her that doesn’t reduce her identity to her genitals. Damn, she got a bad edit on this show.
Two summers ago, I was really into this guy I was in a theater ensemble with: Jason. Jason was moody and enigmatic and would tell me over and over that he wasn’t ready and didn’t want to define things but thought I was cute and fun, but he didn’t believe in love. And I kept going on about how he really liked me and just didn’t know it and EVERYONE kept telling me he was bad news.
He was bad news.
Becca is bad news.
Jason hid in a stairwell once. Becca stares at rivers. Bad news.
Chris is the kind of person who is easily confused and manipulated. One piece of information he doesn’t like (or understand), and he shuts down. Jade’s family was able to talk him out of picking Jade by merely relating their relationship with her.
Becca and Chris have a difficult conversation where they just restate their opinions over and over and barely reach a conclusion. Becca finally made up, errr revealed the reason she’s nervous to move to Iowa – she doesn’t know what she would do if she moved there. Super reasonable and normal reaction to asking an adult human woman to move to a town with 429 people.
Maybe Chris wanted to be the one to tame Becca. Maybe he wanted to be the one to make her finally open up. Maybe Chris thought he could do with Becca what I thought I could do with Jason: Make her fall in love.
I’m still single, and I think Jason lives in Mexico now.
Whitney also hung out with Chris on a corn harvesting machine, and she called it sexy.
Girl is thirsty.
Chris wakes up and preps for the final rose ceremony. Whitney and Becca put on their best winter formal gowns. Neil Lane shows up and shows Chris some gaudy, cushion-cut diamond engagement rings.
The final rose ceremony takes place in the barn where Chris raised his first pig because that’s a location in his life.
Becca arrives at the barn first in a floor-length red velvet gown. Chris launches into a speech about how comfortable he feels with her aaaaaaaaaand he knows that she’s not ready to be with him as his wife. That’s it! Becca is done! Ugh! FINALLY.
We all know Becca was the wrong choice, right? Was anyone here shipping Becca and Chris? Were they your OTP? Want my opinion about what went down? Of course you do, you’re reading this. Chris wanted to marry a virgin.
That’s it. The idea of marrying a charming and cute virgin and being the one who made her fall in love and then being the first man to snowmobile over those hills was a very attractive prospect on America’s Favorite Patriarchal Marriage Contract Game Show. The problem is Becca didn’t see moving to Iowa with a bumpkin as a prize. She wanted something that also made her happy and moved at her speed and that was a con.
So it all comes down to Whitney. Whitney, cheerful, perky, loquacious Whitney. I’m happy she got a happy ending. I disappointed that happy ending seems antiquated even for Mad Men but Chris got on one knee in a barn while Whitney was in a gown that I’m pretty sure Nancy Reagan wore at a Just Say No benefit.
The two of them made out in a barn window. They’re still engaged, banging all the time, and jetting back and forth between Arlington and Chicago. I hope it all works out for those crazy kids.
It’s been a treat recapping The Bachelor, and I know we are all looking forward to the bizarre and misogynist competition that is going to be Britt and Kaitlyn on the next season of The Bachelorette.
And Ashley S.? She’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise…or living in a Crate & Barrel.
Dance like no one’s watching and sleep with your make-up on!
Correction: A previous version of this recap referred to Neil Lane as Nate Lane.