Brochure Enough, by Matthew David Brozik

About This Rack: On these shelves you’ll find brochures for all of the most interesting and/or exciting things to do and/or see in the general vicinity of your accommodations. Feel free to take one of each—and remember to show ’em to your friends and relatives when you return home, if only to prove that you didn’t just watch free HBO and/or read the Bible in your room the whole time. [You Are Here Systems, LLC is not responsible for typographical errors contained in any brochure and does not guarantee the interest or excitement of any visitor.]


What’s a vacation or business trip without an excursion to see whales? It’s not a whale of a good time—that’s for sure! Sea to See™ has been taking customers out on small boats into the middle of large bodies of water to maybe glimpse local marine life for more than 30 years, and this year we’d like you to join us. We recommend that you bring warm clothing (because it’s always 10 to 20 degrees cooler out on the water, sometimes as much as 50) and sensible footwear, sunscreen, a hat, a camera, a second hat for when your first one is taken away by the wind, and something for nausea. Food is available on the boat. You may not bring alcohol of any kind, but you can buy wine and spirits from our galley. (Proceeds from alcohol sales help fund maritime conservation efforts.) “Here we go… and thar they blow!”


Let’s be honest: Chances are, you chose this particular city to visit specifically because there’s a Nector Outlets shopping center here. These days, that’s how most people decide where to spend a week away from home. There’s just no need anymore to make a show of doing other, more locally-flavored things before hitting the outlets. Come out for the best deals on Day One! The whales will still be there tomorrow (though you probably won’t be able to see them, anyway)… but these factory seconds might be gone. (And if you’ve already gone out to look for whales, you probably need a new hat.)


Did you go whale-watching? Did you actually see any whales? Were you shocked by the prices of the stuffed and inflatable whales for purchase on the boat? Did you figure you’d be able to find them for cheaper at the outlet mall? Were you disappointed there, too? Visit Duty-Free Willy’s Cetacean Souvenir Discount Mart and pick up something for your grandkids. New items arrive daily! [Some items contain chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm.]


All a-bored by whale-“watching” and bargain hunting? Well, then… All aboard! A ride on one of our reconditioned, air-conditioned trains is just the thing for the hard-to-please family or corporate team. We’ll do all the work—you just sit still and stare out a window. You’ll see trees, bushes, shrubs…and, on every single run, a different train passing in the opposite direction on the other track. But best of all: We won’t try to teach you anything (this isn’t the History of Copper Wire Museum!). If you want to close your eyes and not even see any sights, that’s perfectly fine with us. Pay your fare and take a nap for all we care. We’ll wake you when we return to the depot—and if you’d prefer to stay on for another run, that’s fine, too. (Additional round-trip journeys charged at half price and subject to seat availability. Reservations recommended.)


If you like sitting still yet also moving but a train ride just isn’t your speed… and if you like being out on water but don’t like the idea of being too far from land… then a harbor cruise is what you want. And if you think there’s nothing to see from the harbor…well, consider this: On a clear day, if you’re really lucky, you’ll be able to see both the whale-watching boats and the scenic railroad cars! Private charters available.


Visit the full-acre “North Pole” and enjoy rides, games, shows, restrooms, a designated smoking area, and all the seasonal treats Mrs. Claus has prepared: fresh Panini sandwiches; fresh fruits and vegetables; roasted nuts, soft pretzels, and popcorn; and fresh gingerbread cookies in all shapes, including dreidels! Spend a day or a week. “Yule” love it here. Closed Christmas Eve through Halloween and Thanksgiving Day.


Copper wire might not be the most exciting thing on the planet, but at least we can promise that you’ll see what you came here to see—every time. (Not every attraction can say the same!) Now ADA compliant.


Are you a grownup? Do you know that both Santa Claus and whales are not real? Do you have all of the irregular sportswear and cookware you need? Take a tour of the local brewery. Ten minutes—tops—from start to finish. Then head right to the tasting room. It’s a bar. We call it a “tasting room,” but it’s really just a bar. You order beers and the bartender gives you beers and you drink beers. Best tour ever.

Matthew David Brozik is the author of the books Whimsy & Soda and Taking Ivy Seriously as well as numerous (mercifully) short pieces of humor and fiction. Read more at Follow him on Twitter but plan to be disappointed.

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Brochure Enough, by Matthew David Brozik