Auctioneering School Courses, by Alonso Cisneros

Gentleman in the Back 101. Introductory course to the gentleman in the back. The class will culminate in learning the name of this man, his alma mater’s fight song, and the top 10 ghost stories he has ever heard.

Gentleman in the Back 102. Get a closer look at the gentleman in the back. Who is he? What’s his financial situation like? What life decisions led him to attend an auction alone on a Saturday afternoon? Does he regret them?

Gentleman in the Back 103. Now that you know about the gentleman in the back, it’s time to finally meet him. Upon enrollment, you will be given his address and car’s license plate number. He is not expecting you, so your visit will probably frighten him. Instructions will be provided on how to subdue him.

Laaady in the Red Dress (a Feminism Study) Up until recent times, ladies weren’t allowed to bid at auctions. They also weren’t allowed to wear dresses or the color red until one woman dared to and no one seemed to mind either way. Learn more about the lady and her red dress, and how she has managed to attend every single auction on the planet. Also, don’t refer to her as “lady.” Refer to her as a woman in a red dress. That’s more like it.

Sold! An Introduction to Gavels. Study the fundamentals of how to hold the instrument of our trade. Note: This is not a gavel pounding class. That is an advanced level course. In this course, you will hold a gavel and listen to several lectures about them. You cannot take your gavel home with you

Finger Pointing. Finger pointing is for rude sons of bitches and auctioneers. In order to pass this class, you’ve got to bear both of these things in mind. Are you a rude son of a bitch or an auctioneer? The answer should be both.

Hey, Big Spender: Financial Planning Workshop. Never bid at an auction. If you learn this, you should be fine.

Gibberish in German (Foreign Language Elective). Speak at an unintelligible rate in German. If the instructor can understand one word of your final oral exam, then you have learned nothing and will be asked to repeat the course.

Alonso Cisneros is a comedy writer. He also writes and photographs jokes on Tumblr.

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Auctioneering School Courses, by Alonso Cisneros