On September 13, 2014, a complaint was a made by a Francis R. Wiggleworm concerning the food production by The Magical Growing Farm. Mr. Wiggleworm alleges that the company creates its world-famous magical fruit and flibbleberries by using illegal chemicals and through unregulated genetic alteration. A investigative team was sent to the farm, located past the Wumpa-Wumpa Jungles, over the Bee-Doo-Wap river, and through the Hubba-Wampistat Mountains, to conduct interviews with the employees of the business. The following are partial transcripts from these interviews.
Employe No. 223501
“Listen, don’t you think someone would have broken the silence before now, if there was something illicit, unnatural, or potentially harmful with the fruit? We have hundreds of people currently employed by the The Magical Growing Fruit Farm. Over the past 125 years—thousands. Doesn’t the fact that nobody has ever come out and complained about any unlawful genetic mutation of the fruit mean something to you people? Many have every reason to want to whistle-blow, if there was, in fact, something to whistle-blow about. I mean, our workers have to carry 400-pound spuds up the Flubbawubba Hills and through the Kiddamonno trees every day. And trust me when I say that feat is no small potatoes.”
“I’m not trying to be funny! I’m just simply stating the obvious fact that in the more than 120 years prior to Mr. Wiggleworm’s claims, no employee, currently or formerly employed, has ever come out against the farm.”
Employe No. 223445
“I can’t see how that is relevant. Any farm that’s old enough has a history of slave labor.”
Employe No. 223412
“No, I don’t know how it is done.”
“…Oh, by ‘it’ I mean to say how the fruit grows so large…or into into different shapes. Nobody knows, really, other than Farmer Maroo, but that hardly means that what is being done to the fruit is harmful. In fact, I’m not entirely convinced that anything is being done to the fruit. It’s magic. It’s just magic that causes them to grow like that.
“I work in business affairs. You’ll have to take that up with [NAME WITHHELD] in the magic dept. But I’ll doubt you’ll get anything useful up there, either. We have a saying around here: ‘Mr. Maroo knows what to do!’ It’s sort of our motto.”
Employe No. 23220
“If some people have used our products for large-scale narcotics smuggling, it’s not our fault is it? You may as well go after Zip-Lock for making the little baggies for dudes to stick up their [INAUDIBLE].”
Employe No. 223123
“Before you start sticking your nose into our company’s business and private affairs, why don’t you first check into Wiggleworm’s criminal history?
Oh, bullshit. We know it’s Wiggleworm who made the call. We’ve laid hundreds of charges on that old fart, and never heard a word from you guys, and yet when he says one thing about how we manufacture our products, y’all come rushing out of the woodwork. What about all those times he tried to steal Mr. Maroo’s patented recipe? Or what about when he kidnapped those Dawkins kids, hmm? Thank goodness they had the power of friendship and those fast-growing Hizzlepop seeds Farmer Maroo gave them.
You’re goddamn right I’m trying to attack Wiggleworm’s character. He’s nothing but a fuzzlebutt—and you can put that in your goddamn report.
“The Dawkins kids? Uh…twins. Boy and a girl. They lived on the farm a short while.”
“I’ve got nothing to say on that subject other than to remind you that Farmer Maroo was acquitted of all charges relating to that case.”
Employe No. 23119
“I can neither confirm nor deny any contact with Mr. Maroo since…well, since all of this came about. I can, however, sate that he has not been to the office since taking his leave of absence. I would also like to sate for the record that if anybody deserves a long vacation, it’s Farmer Maroo. I don’t blame him one bit for leaving the farm.
“Yes. On a hot-pear-balloon.’
“Like a hot air balloon. Just, you know…with a pear.”
Brandon Hicks is a writer and cartoonist living somewhere in Canada. You can find some of his work here, and when he gets a working twitter account, you’ll be the first to know.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.