donate your soul

Kars4Kids Is on Television. The End Is Nigh.

The 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ad is legendary, but only because America hates it.

Originally introduced in 1999 for radio, your least-favorite jingle made its television debut a few months ago now, but it appears that people are finally starting to reach their breaking point. Maybe it’s because the kids in the ad look like they’re having the out-of-body experience necessary to hear this song more than once in any given time frame?

Thoughts that might go through one’s mind when they hear this song on television: Should we call someone for help, preferably not a 1-877 number? Is there a corner I can crawl into and rock back and forth until someone rolls me out on a stretcher? More important: How. Do. I. Make. It. STOP? 

You could donate your car and include a note on the dashboard begging for mercy, though apparently, organizations affiliated with Kars4Kids have been caught up in several troubling legal battles. You could create your own petition asking the kind owners of the song (who, by the way, are clearly capitalizing on its cult status by listing a Kars4Kids jingle history timeline on its website and by trolling haters/victims) to stop terrorizing our ears with its mind-numbing infeciousness. You could listen to the “heavy-metal version” they released in 2011. Or you could just accept that you are powerless.

You’re like Alex listening to Beethoven’s Ninth in A Clockwork Orange, except Kars4Kids was written by an unnamed “country-music writer” and “set to lyrics written by a talented volunteer.” (Thanks, guys!) Succumb, mere human … or maybe avoid the television this weekend.