The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Right off the bat this week, I’m really not feeling Phaedra’s idea that saving the souls of our young black men means waiting on them hand and foot. More of Judge Mathis talking about lifting spirits, and less of this “women in the kitchen” garbage, okay? We can still save lives and not set the feminist movement back 200 years. Damn, Phaedra — it’s too late in the season to give you a nickname, but here I am, calling you MC Skat Cat from now on, because with every project you take two steps forward, two steps back.
Cynthia has a crisis in the form of a homecoming dance and the simultaneous revelation that her daughter, Noelle, is a teenager now. She finds the strength from deep within by remembering that hey, she was the homecoming queen, so she should be able to help Noelle pick out a dress. Kenya comes over, too, because she’ll find any excuse to both remind people of her title as former Miss USA and encourage a young girl to act like a conceited asshole. Actually, she toned it down so much more than I thought capable, and told Noelle just to be herself and have confidence without too much attitude. Thanks, Kenya, but Noelle could probably teach you more about how to act in public than you can teach her. For the rest of the episode, Cynthia and Kenya are trying to finish Kenya’s pilot for her web series. Cynthia asks Peter to teach her how to speak with a Jamaican accent and then immediately flubs it, and Kenya spends her time on set looking wild-eyed and ordering around Cody, an innocent PA. I mean, she asked that boy for five copies of the script, some kind of exhibit for her to sign, the actors’ contracts, and she had the nerve to ask him to make her something to eat on top of it! On a scale of 1 to Sonja Morgan, Kenya is only about a 4 on the “horrible to interns” level, but this bossing around is for a web project that probably won’t ever see the light of day.
Kandi took a moment to freak out her stylist by talking about her new line of remote-control underwear, and again I call to the ghosts of suffragettes past to ask why in the goddamn hell are we finding ways to give men more control of our vaginas? Have you even glanced at Congress lately? They’re already controlling our underwear, vaginas, uterus, the whole works! He was just there to drop off some cleavage-baring dresses for her date with Todd, which is part of the homework Kandi’s therapist assigned. Do you think they even went back to that therapist? Kandi talks about that one homework assignment from three weeks ago as if that’s the only thing she needs to fix her relationship. Todd came right from the airport, they both ordered salmon with a side of mac ’n’ cheese, and then Kandi immediately dropped the bomb that she didn’t think they’d make it to their upcoming first anniversary. Was it surprising to any of you that Todd is pretty sure he’s not ready to bring a baby into this relationship? Because I’d just like to quickly confirm that Kandi is the only one surprised by this painfully obvious news. He laid out his reasons (they already have a blended family to unite, he’s still dealing with Mama Joyce, he’s trying to build an empire, and he works in L.A. most of the time), and Kandi countered with, “Well, we have an appointment at the fertility doctor tomorrow.” That’s the spirit! Full-on denial absolutely works every single time. When Todd told her that he’s going back to L.A. for a month and a half, Kandi insisted they see each other every two weeks, and Todd said, “Well, come to Los Angeles.” He didn’t seem to remember that Kandi has an 12-year-old at home, so when she reminded him, he said something like, “If it was a movie, you’d do it, and this is an opportunity for me, so figure it out.” Dayyyum! Little Todd of Tiny Town is digging his heels in! I can’t say that I blame him — he sacrificed an awful lot in the beginning to stick around and deal with Kandi’s completely crazy family — but I also feel like ultimatums never work? Good luck, y’all — Kandi is going to be throwing a “glad I signed a prenup” white party next season and Mama Joyce is going to her grave thinking she’s right about everything, just you watch.
Back in New York, absolutely nothing is happening, so we have to watch Gregg force his family to make an awkward toast with a French fry at Sardi’s while NeNe worries about opening night. In the words of the internet, NO1CURR.
In the wake of her husband going directly to jail and her Filipino donkey guide’s husband dying, Phaedra decides it’s up to her to save the souls of fatherless boys everywhere and throws a rally to empower minority men … and boys … and adolescent boys … and young boys. She’s just empowering every damn body! There’s going to be soul food, and a White House czar named David Johns is going to help her put it together. Did you know we appoint czars? I sure didn’t, and I don’t know how to feel about it.
The rally is well attended, and the panelists are an interesting mix of stars and who dat? Comedian Arlen Griffin introduced Phaedra, who came stomping in with a drum line, and then radio dude Jeff Johnson, Judge Mathis, and a bunch of other guys got up to tell all the boys in the room random tips about life? Or something? I feel like this rally wasn’t really about much more than making Phaedra feel good about herself, but that’s not going to stop her from making fun of Peter when he snatched the mic and mumbled some nonsense about the boys at the event not being smart. It was a shitshow from start to finish, and that’s all you really need to know.
After Phaedra described herself as a vessel, she insisted all of her cast members help serve and plate lunch, which they did between fights with NeNe. Apparently, NeNe came back to Atlanta just for this event, but that won’t stop her from causing a ruckus when Claudia confronts her about ditching their session with Dr. Jeff. Everyone in the auditorium could hear them squawking back in the kitchen, and they weren’t even saying anything good — NeNe kept reiterating that she’s happy everyone had a good time in the Philippines, but pissed off that they were ganging up on her in the therapy session, and Claudia kept asking her to justify her actions. It was hilarious, because NeNe started talking like a weepy child trying to explain why they’re crying (“Brian took my truck and then I was MAD because it was MY TRUCK so now I’m CRYING because he has my TRUCK”), and then she just stormed out anyway. If we believe her story, this emm-effer got on a plane to just peacock her hurt feelings around the event, turn around, and go right back to New York. That is comedy gold! Porsha stood in a corner talking about her apron that says “domestic diva” on it, and Phaedra runs out to see if NeNe is okay. Of course she’s not okay, she’s wearing the same high/low dramatic coat as the piano player in this Cinderella video!
Claudia is still mad and complaining to Cynthia that NeNe won’t give her an answer, and then someone who actually wants to feed young black men tells them to break it up and keep the line moving. Who was that lady? Can we get her on the show full-time?
Next week is the season finale! Can you even?! NeNe is finally going to get on that stage, Kandi might move to California to save her marriage, Kenya is going to give us a fucked-up premiere party that only she can truly give, and Apollo calls Peter from jail. I’ll see you next week!