The Vampire Diaries
Humanity is a tricky business. On the one hand: beating hearts, reproductive abilities, and, hmmm, lower caffeine and alcohol tolerance? On the other hand: growing old, having to hire movers, and death.
You can see the dilemma.
As we move into Elena’s (and Nina’s) final weeks on TVD we’re being confronted with this question right along with our leading lady: If given the chance, would you want to live forever with the love of your life? Or be human for a few fleeting years?
The Vampire Diaries hasn’t always done a great job of keeping the stakes of death, but you know what it has never let become unimportant? Life.
“Look, an angel,” were the first words of the episode. Stefan, amirite? A Salvatore in a B&B wearing a V-neck. Why wasn’t this the plan for all flip switch attempts? Plus 10.
It was a little weird that we were seeing the sexual escapades in Stefan’s head, as he told it to Damon and Elena. “She’s gonna expect a lot.” Hah! Plus 10.
Those tranquilizer darts work for three days? Where were these when the Originals were terrorizing MF? Minus 7.
Damon and Bonnie. I don’t hateeeeee it. Even with all the annoying plot recap (heretic vampire witches, the cure), these two banter with the best. Plus 12.
Alaric is getting married and having a baby. “Is this where I pretend to care about how our wedding cake tastes?” Perfect. And then Elena walks in on Alaric and Jo making out, which is basically a giant lesson for Elena in how everyone else has felt on this show for the last six years. Plus 10.
Re: Stefan and Caroline’s lockdown. Was anyone else having ‘90s flashbacks of their own Laura Ashley childhood bedrooms? Or are you guys still the target demographic of this show? No points.
Matt was wearing a button-down. Who even knows what was going on with Enzo. Is he a Salvatore brother now? Did he bang their mom? Something like that. (She turned him into a vampire, but at this point, you tell me the difference). Minus 10. Pitch: A subtitle card that says: “Enzo has now exited the show, we apologize for the inconvenience.”
Enzo aside, I’ve been really caught up in how awesome the plot is this year. So much so that I’ve kind of forgotten about the relationships (!!!!) That’s really a testament to the show, to be honest. Like this whole series used to hang its hat on being about a human girl torn between two vampire brothers. Who even remembers hair that straight! Anyway, long-winded way of me saying I like that we’ve gotten to see Damon and Elena be a little normal these last few episodes. Are they even back together? Who knows, but this in-between feels realistic. You know, for a college vampire who had her best friend do a spell to erase her memory of her 100-year-old vampire boyfriend when he died (before she knew he would come back to life). Never mind.
“Elena and Damon talking about their future together. I want to die.” —Me, season two. Or Caroline without her humanity, now. Plus 12.
I dunno, Stefan. Feels like you’ve had sex under more questionable circumstances than this. I think it’s fine. Plus 8.
In watching Caroline and Stefan fight with Damon and Elena through the bars, something very profound occurred to me. Of COURSE Stefan was always going to wind up with Caroline, and Elena was always going to end up with Damon. Look at their hair color! Seriously, name me one great teen show where the brunettes didn’t end up with the brunettes and the blondes didn’t end up with the blondes. Seth and Summer, Pacey and Joey… I mean, okay, Felicity chose Ben, but you can’t count it because by the time the finale arrived the hair situation on that show had gone from dire to tragic and back again. I guess what I’m saying is … we could have saved ourselves a lot of heartache. The writing was always on the head. Plus 20.
Looking good, Matty. Plus 15.
Yammering. #EnzoandMamaSalvatore Minus 5.
Commercial for Fifty Shades of Grey on Blu-ray. Remember when Ian wanted to be Christian Grey? No points.
DO THEY HAVE HEARTBEATS OR NOT? Minus 8.
Badass Caroline kicked down the door of the Ralph Lauren prison cell and strode off in what can only be described as a Bond Girl Beach Walk. Plus 13.
Bonnie was so intense here. I couldn’t quite figure out what side she was on, though. Like, did she want Elena to have the cure? Or was she telling Damon to chuck it and just be happy being immortally hot with her? I think the candles and extreme sexual tension was confusing me. No points.
Caroline was having nightmares of her mom arresting her. But didn’t Caroline just leave Stefan in that room? How did he get her back there? Why do I even care about these things anymore? It’s like complaining about how everyone was always going from the UPPER EAST SIDE to BROOKLYN for BREAKFAST BEFORE SCHOOL on Gossip Girl. No, I haven’t let it go. Minus 9.
OMG. Rest in peace, Sheriff Forbes, but that “I hope someday you’ll be more than that” literally made me snort water through my nose, which is annoying, because I think Stefan said a bunch of really sweet stuff after that, but I could not listen because I was trying to clear my air pipes. Plus 12.
Caroline’s humanity came back on. It was kind of subtle, and I liked that. It wasn’t like some key moment, just a sort of montage of that vision, which felt new and nice because we’ve seen the “switch flip” mode before. Plus 10. Can you guys fall in love now?
Candles and rose petals and a tiny velvet box. But there wasn’t a diamond ring in there. It was the cure. Mama Salvatore left it out for Elena to find. Sidebar: Witch ritual candles are so multifunctional! Plus 22.
So wait, Caroline just turned her humanity back on, and now Stefan is going to bounce and SHOWER? Um, no. This guy collects emotional breakdowns like Maxim covers. Minus 30.
Mama Salvatore killed a guy and confessed this to Enzo, and then had a breakdown about it. No comment. Minus 5.
“If I take this, everything chances.” Elena now has the cure, and Damon doesn’t want her to take it. Except: PLOT TWIST, Damon is now claiming he’ll take the cure with Elena. Excuse me, this is an option? Why was it not for Stefan and Elena two years ago? I thought the whole thing with the cure was that there was only one dose? That was THE WHOLE THING WITH THE CURE. An entire episode arc hung on THAT BEING THE THING WITH THE CURE. TVD, you’re usually a lot better than this. We deal with some far-flung plots, but there’s always a reasonable explanation and an attempt at sincerity. This just feels like a blatant assault on our memory. Also, didn’t Katherine die? Because she was 300 years old? So won’t Damon have, like, a week with Elena? Wouldn’t it be better to have at least ten years of still looking the same age instead of A WEEK OF SLOW DEATH? WAS ANYONE CONSCIOUS LAST SEASON? Minus 100. Make this up to us.
Three episodes left until Elena’s good-bye. Unless she jumps off the clock tower next week and meets her demise on London time. Either way, catch me here: @RebeccaASerle