The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Will someone please tell me what “You’re trying to come for my Aquafina simply because you’re sitting on Cap’n Crunch” means? I’ve needed some kind of cereal-box decoder to understand Phaedra since last year.
Here’s a cheat sheet featuring all that we learned about life’s rich pageant during this episode: NeNe showed her entire ass when she revealed she never cut a check for the children of the Detroit school system that she promised last year even though she just purchased a $2.1 million home a couple of months ago, Phaedra denied that Mr. Chocolate even exists, Porsha still can’t argue her way out of a paper bag, Kandi has not only had it but absolutely all of it, Gregg threw some Kiwi shoe polish on his head and called it a hairstyle, and plus size is now considered anything over a size 8, which makes me want to burn America to the ground and salt the damn earth.
My favorite thing about NeNe this season is how she acts like she doesn’t understand how conversations work. She keeps saying, “How did I get thrown into it?” every time her name comes up, like she’s not behind the scenes in every single conversation, gossiping and stirring shit. You got thrown into it because your mouth got you into it, NeNe! She thinks Kenya posting her $20,000 donation check to social media made a mockery of it, so that’s the excuse she’s hiding behind for not ponying up her portion of the bet. We all know that no one expected Kenya to find $20,000 that wasn’t already tied up in wigs, booty pads, and failed television experiments! The only part of this that is a mockery is that Kenya has any money at all.
Cynthia and Phaedra got into a fight about … truth? Lies? Phaedra thinking Cynthia told lies about Apollo? In the middle of their screamfest, all I heard were the insults; the back and forth was incredible. Cynthia told Phaedra her story line is gone now that Apollo is in jail and Phaedra told Cynthia she was “selling pipe dreams to little girls.” Cynthia called Phaedra’s case-losing law career into question, and Phaedra called Peter’s place Bar None. It went on for a few minutes, and was hilarious in the way that watching your meemaw yell at her new iPhone is funny.
Phaedra tried it with Kandi, but Kandi turned the tables and made her look like the worst friend in the world. Phaedra has been selfishly operating under the guise that Kandi is a bad friend for not checking in on her, and Kandi was like, OH, REALLY?! She had a family member recently go to jail, too, and Phaedra didn’t check in on her! I loved the look on Phaedra’s face as she mumbled, “Oh, I remember.” After Kandi reminded her that she’s been sticking up for Phaedra all over the place, including a flashback to Kandi ripping Apollo a new one for all the shit he caused with Kenya, there’s really no way Phaedra comes out of this looking like anything but the fake-ass complainer she really is. Round: KANDI.
Right before the husbands came out to join everyone, Phaedra made up the word tensefull and Kenya said she was accused of giving “a fellatio,” so I’m glad we can all just bury our dictionaries in shallow graves tomorrow.
The husbands came out to the same old horrible jokes; Andy called Peter “LuPeter” and made him respond to a question about why he always gets in the women’s business. Peter, rightfully, finally told everyone to fuck off, and he’ll say “whatever the fuck he wants.” I’m so far away from being his biggest fan I’m basically his enemy, but I still think he brings so much more shittiness to the show than his basic insistence on being involved in his wife’s friendships. Gregg felt the need to chime in about how he “works on swag, not women’s business,” which I guess is what you call it when you’ve been P-whipped within an inch of your damn LIFE. I wouldn’t say shit either if I knew my wife would literally divorce me for looking at her wrong! Someone tell Gregg he’s basically the Sandman Sims of that relationship, constantly batting clean up.
Everything devolved into screaming when Kenya, defending herself against Phaedra’s accusation that she was a megaflirt, said, “NeNe was flirting with Peter!” at the same party in Anguilla. There were a few seconds of silence before NeNe reared back and let a torrent of fire out of her face about how Kenya was disrespecting her in front of her husband. Did she forget that her damn husband was on that trip, and watching her flirt with Peter for at least two seasons before that? The denial receptors of her brain are working overtime, and I will applaud Kenya until the end of time for taking NeNe to task.
Next week: the final reunion! Let’s see which one has to eat whichever lion they kill in the arena.