“I may be 46 years old, but it is never too late to chase my rap dreams,” said the Camel to his wife. “I want to move the crowd!”
The Camel’s wife did not wish to hear this. For almost 20 years she had endured her husband’s delusions of becoming a world-famous rapper. “But your rhymes are stale,” groaned the Camel’s wife.
The Camel would not listen. He was convinced that the next mixtape would be the one to take him to the top, despite the fact that the last 12 had not. Day after day, the Camel recorded songs filled with empty braggadocio and clichéd imagery. His wife simply closed the door and tried not to think about it.
One day the Camel came to his wife with a new plan. “I shall quit my job at the post office so that I may focus all my energy on my music,” he said. “We can live off your salary until I receive my recording contract. Then we will eat lobster every night and purchase matching Bentleys.”
The Camel’s wife tried to explain that this plan was foolhardy, and that he had a young calf to support. But the Camel would not be swayed. He quit his stable government job and used the last of his savings to purchase a high-end home studio.
After several months, the Camel’s wife could take it no longer and moved with their offspring to another town. This upset the Camel very much, but he knew that his wife would regret her choice once his career inevitably took off. He would give her no lobsters and she would receive no Bentley.
At last, the Camel finished his mixtape and knew that it was hot. He decided that once it was placed in the right hands, a lucrative contract would soon follow.
With the fruit of his labors in hand, the Camel went to an after-hours lounge downtown in search of multi-platinum rap star, the Warthog. For he could make things happen.
The Warthog was talking with two scantily clad gazelles when the Camel approached. He quickly began blathering about his music, which angered the Warthog greatly.
“Who are you to approach me about a subpar mixtape when I am speaking with my lady friends?” lectured the Warthog. Then he cracked a bottle of Cristal over the Camel’s head.
Some dreams are stupid.
Evan Waite is a writing fellow at The Onion, and a contributor at ClickHole, Mad, Someecards, and is a staff writer at United Stations Radio Networks.
Frank Santopadre has created material for Bill Murray, Howard Stern and Martin Short, among others. His work has been seen on HBO and Comedy Central, and he is the co-host of Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast!
“The Camel’s Dream” is an excerpt from the book Aesop for A-Holes: Timeless Morality Tales for Immoral Adults that can be found on Evan and Frank’s hard drives.
Image by Wade Snook
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