As we pick up The Bachelorette in medias res, Kupah Trupah continues to rant and rave outside the house. He’s out on the lawn shouting about being “the black dude that gets suckered.” Alright, dude, you may be another black guy on a reality show going home early, but you also told Kaitlyn you didn’t think she liked you. I’m not saying it’s not reality-TV racism. I’m saying it’s probably two things. Kaitlyn storms outside in her slinky dress (why do Kaitlyn’s dresses always have side cutouts?) and tells Kupah to go home because he’s making her uncomfortable.
One tremendous thing about Kaitlyn is she seems very willing to march right toward the uncomfortable situation and solve it on her terms. She’s also great at pinning roses on the contesticles. I feel like I would poke someone in the chest like in an Archie comic. She also picks dates where the guys have to take their shirts off and run into each other. I’m a fan of that, but more on that later.
Kaitlyn cancels the rest of the cocktail party by smashing a Champagne flute into a fireplace as tears run down her face because she’s so disappointed.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. Tony has taken time away from the most important things in his life to be here: his dog and his bonsai tree. He has the heart of a child, the spirit of a gypsy, and the hair of Bradley Cooper. Tony gets a rose. So do Cillian Greyjoy, Ben H., “Ryan Gosling,” Fake John Legend, Tanner, Cupcake, Ryan, Low-Budget Tom Hardy, Ian, Joshua, Joe, and Corey with an E.
The next morning, two sumo wrestlers show up in the house and start stalking around; thus begins a strange “Hey, isn’t Japan weird?” segment. The two wrestlers wake up the men with gongs because, “Hey, isn’t Japan weird?” Drink every time Host Chris says “ancient art of sumo.” Drown your sorrows when J “My dad owns a dealership” J says he loves Japanese culture and can’t name another aspect beyond sushi.
Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, and Shawn get dressed up in mawashi, sumo-wrestling uniforms or those weird diaper things because, “Hey, isn’t Japan weird?” Joe’s balls hang out and he’s totally cool with it. Joe is growing on me because his dick was described as “a giant firehouse.” Hey, boo.
Also? Ben Z.? That man can. Get. It.
Kaitlyn is turned on by the power of man meat running into each other as the contesticles spar with one of the sumo champions. Kaitlyn and I have that in common. I’m really loving all these “group dates” that are thinly veiled excuses to see some butts. Tony, however, is not into these group dates. Not because he’s insecure about showing his butt, but because he’s a peaceful, balanced guy.
Tony is upset he loses the sumo demonstration against the expert and pouts in a mawashi. It’s very hard to look indignant and maintain poise when your ass is hanging out. Why can’t they go on some peaceful dates? Why is every date full of aggression and violence? Doesn’t Kaitlyn know that Tony has the spirit of a child, the heart of a warrior, the mind of a gypsy, and the body of a bonsai tree? J “Brooks Brothers is having a sale” J rolls up to the situation and riles up Tony. Tony is a very sensitive human being, and we can tell because he’s yelling at everyone.
Tony is on my last damn nerve. He doesn’t get that this isn’t about him. It’s not about you, Tony. It’s not about your child-heart or his advancement past his primal instincts. You signed up to be on The Bachelorette. You are not the Bachelorette. You do not call the shots.
There are two things I hate in this world: male entitlement and overalls. Overalls look dumb, and male entitlement causes profound rage in my heart. Male entitlement is what causes a man who is a contesticle on a reality show to think his opinion on what the group dates should matter. Male entitlement is what causes a contestant on a reality show where he is one of many options to demand that the Bachelorette prove herself to him. Male entitlement is what causes a spiritual adviser to start sounding like Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy.
While the rest of the contesticles are doing an exhibition, Tony sits on a ledge with Ian bitching that Kaitlyn just won’t take him to the zoo.
He sends himself home.
On the post-sumo date, Clint decides it’s a good idea if he takes a step back and lets Kaitlyn come to him because he’s a manipulative nightmare. Shawn gets the date rose.
Host Chris plans a date for Ben Z. and Kaitlyn. He send them to an abandoned warehouse and they do a survival challenge. It’s all some white people nonsense. Kaitlyn is terrified of the sound of birds. Not birds, exactly, but the noise birds make when they walk. The Basement: Live Room Experience has Ben Z. and Kaitlyn going through a room where several murders have taken place looking for clues. Every new place they look for clues sounds like a mistranslated Swedish speed-metal album: SNAKE BATHROOM! MAGGOT DRAWER! BRICK PICTURE! HIDDEN SCORPION!
Ben Z. and Kaitlyn make out and talk about his dead mom. He’s a real stand-up guy who protected her because he’s a man and she likes that. I like his biceps.
The next group date for fake John Legend, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Cillian Greyjoy, and Tanner is to go to an elementary school and teach children about sex. Kaitlyn is pranking them, though, and the children are all child actors. The contesticles never find this out, however, so some of these men will go to their grave thinking they were responsible for the sexual well-being of a group of sixth-graders. That’s heavy shit.
While editing this segment, some misogynistic ABC executive puffed on his cigar and screamed at an employee to bleep out the word clitoris and black out a tampon being demonstrated on a model. “It’s a dirty word and a dirty place!” he bellowed while eating a steak with his hands. “I control the media!”
Ben H. calls Kaitlyn his girlfriend, and he gets a rose.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Clint and J “My personal hero is Gordon Gekko” J are cementing their bromance. They make music together. They have showered together. They are popping zits on each other’s backs.
If we see a clip of Clint sitting on a pillow between JJ’s knees as JJ greases Clint’s scalp with a tub of coconut oil, they are the most in-love people in the history of love.
Clint admits that he’s no longer here for Kaitlyn but he’s here for J “Insider Trading” J, and he has to get a rose to stay in the competition.
Not necessary, bruh. Just get JJ’s email.
All the other contesticles tell Kaitlyn that Clint is here for the wrong reasons, and she starts looking for information. Is he one of the biggest douches in Bachelor(ette) history?
Kaitlyn knows one thing for sure: He’s going down in flames.
Britt and Bradley are probably somewhere staring into each other’s eyes wearing matching slouchy knit hats.