In an elegantly appointed hotel suite, an ABC executive sits up in bed and slips on a pair of marabou high-heel slippers and a satin robe. She walks to the floor-to-ceiling window and looks out over the city, burdened with purpose. A dashing man approaches her from behind and puts his arms around her. As he nuzzles his face into her neck and her day-old blowout, she whispers, “San Antonio.” He nods and puts his San Antonio board of tourism uniform back on, and slips out without a word.
But before the contesticles and Kaitlyn can jet off to scenic San Antonio, there’s some business to attend to in New York City. The arrival of Nick V.
Whenever there’s a bizarre plot point in TV or film (our ABC executive is reviewing storyboards for the rest of this season while her breakfast companion is dropping napkins for white maids to pick up, like in the “Partition” video), I like to imagine it playing out in real life and seeing if it sounds just as crazy.
Imagine you’re dating a guy; you’re clicking, going on dates, having fun making out. Then, suddenly, your mom shows up with some guy who saw your picture in the paper, and he insisted he had to meet you because if you got married before he ever met you, he’d be disappointed for the rest of his life.
Then you forced him to move in with your new boyfriend.
Ben H. looks like a hot Seth MacFarlane.
Nick becomes a part of the competition, and all the contesticles are understandably pissed, and Tanner leads the guys in a standoff against Nick, firing off questions about what he was doing last month hanging with Andi and what he sees in Kaitlyn. Tanner, the answer to both is banging. Joshua asks my favorite question ever asked, and I hope at some point a man asks a rival for affections the same question: “Is she a cool chick or an amazing woman?” Damn, Joshua, damn. Unfortunately, Nick sees Kaitlyn as just a cool chick.
No one is happy going into the Rose Ceremony at Citi Field, Home of the Mets! Except JJ, who picks Kaitlyn up and swings her around like a bat and carries her around the bases. None of this is a metaphor.
I don’t think I’ve heard Corey speak.
Some of the guys are refusing to say Nick’s name and just call him “the Other Guy.” No one said these big lugs were creative. Shawn B.’s guard goes back up.
Time for the Rose Ceremony: Ben H.; Ben Z.; Shawn, who shoves Jonathan out of the way to get to her; Tanner; Joe, who whispers, “Thank God”; Ian; JJ; Joshua; and Nick. Duh.
The contractually obligated trip to San Antonio starts with Ben H. and Kaitlyn entering a two-step competition. A bunch of folksy ol’ locals give the two of them some wisdom that is all a mixed metaphor for dance and relationships: Someone’s gotta lead, forgive mistakes, hold them tight, never boot-scoot when you mean to boogie. Stuff like that. Ben H. feels very lucky to be with Kaitlyn, and he tells her how hard it is for him to open up.
Ben H., it should be hard for you to open up. You’re telling a complete stranger your deepest, most intimate secrets, and you might have to participate in a ceremony where she could eliminate you and will definitely eliminate others in front of your eyes. She’s season one Cersei. She’s gonna do what she wants with no rhyme or reason or concern for your feelings. But Ben H. will avoid that fate, and he gets a rose.
Jared’s beard is super patchy.
Ben Z., Tanner, JJ, Justin, Joshua, Joe, Nick, and Ian all go on a date where a tiny mariachi boy sings to Kaitlyn and steals her heart, and the contesticles have to win it back. Justin was great. Ian choked, and Nick took her up on a balcony and sang to her.
Why are all the group dates weird performances, or culturally iffy, or both? Mariachi is a really cool musical style that most people know from La Cucaracha, Bugs Bunny cartoons, and The Three Amigos, and the wonderful and supremely talented Mexicans and Mexican-Americans in the band had to listen to a bunch of dumb Americans butcher this interesting blend of European and Mexican folk traditions. I want everyone to go home and listen to some real mariachi music to erase Jared singing that he’s the “Frito Bonito.”
Joshua asks Kaitlyn to cut his hair blindfolded and then tells her that everyone hates Nick. She asks all the contesticles to tell her what they’re really thinking. No one backs Joshua up, and now Kaitlyn can’t tell who is lying and who is telling the truth. Joshua has to sit there with a really fucked-up haircut. I mean, Kaitlyn jacked his head UP. Nick gets a rose and Joshua looks like a real idiot.
Kaitlyn is wearing a lot of fringe in this episode.
Shawn B. and Kaitlyn go on a date. They kayak — your classic white-people stuff. He tells her he’s falling in love with her, and she thinks she just heard her husband say those words. Of course, she doesn’t just stop the competition and marry Shawn B. That would be weird.
Meanwhile, Ian is sitting and sulking because Kaitlyn hasn’t noticed him. To be very honest, I wrote down almost every word Ian said because it was so delusional and arrogant and insecure and amazing. It was a piece of art. I feel like Marvin Berry, and you, my dear readers, are my cousin Chuck, because you’ve just gotta hear this.
Ian is a Princeton grad, a former model; he defied death and traveled the world a few times. Kaitlyn doesn’t understand the extent of who he is, and he should be the next Bachelor. There’s something wrong with her that she doesn’t want to be with him. Women like him. He’s not liked by the girl he’s trying to impress. He’s impressive. He has lots of sex. She’s not half as hot as his ex-girlfriend. Kaitlyn obviously wants to pick one of the “lames.” He’s got looks and brains, and if that’s not impressive, what is? He’s an enigma, a gift you unwrap for life.
He accuses Kaitlyn of being shallow and superficial and surface-level, which are three things that mean the exact same thing. Ian is a lot of things — the world’s greatest lover, a genius, the world’s most charming man — and redundant as fuck. He says all he sees is the girl who wanted to get her field plowed by Chris.
Ian is a tampon. Why? Because he’s stuck up, bitches.
Next week: An adult woman has consensual sex and the Earth splits in two.
Britt and Bradock eat bergamot ice cream out of Mason jars.
