Taylor Swifties, by Norman Birnbach

“I never imagined I’d be so successful,” Taylor Swift said dreamily.

“I loved the commercial I did with all those cats,” Taylor Swift purred.

“My song ‘Welcome to New York’ is my way to acknowledge my transition from country music to pop,” Taylor Swift said urbanely.

“I have five songs in the Billboard Hot 100,” Taylor Swift recounted.

“I’m not going to identify my former boyfriends,” Taylor Swift said listlessly.

“I do write a lot of songs about former boyfriends,” Taylor Swift ex-plained.

“Some people think it’s unfair that I write songs about ex-boyfriends but I don’t care,” Taylor Swift said heartlessly.

“I decided to pull all my music off of Spotify,” Taylor Swift said blankly.

“The problem with online streaming is it can lead to music piracy,” Taylor Swift arrrghued.

“It was so cold playing Times Square on New Year’s Eve. I’ll always appreciate that Ryan Seacrest lent me his coat,” Taylor Swift said warmly.

“It’s good knowing there are people who have my back, like my friend Lorde,” said Taylor Swift all-knowingly.

“Unlike what some people say on Twitter, I don’t worry about the size of my booty,” Taylor Swift said in the end.

“That line in ‘Blank Space’ that everyone mishears is ‘Got a long list of ex-lovers.’ I think it’s pretty funny that people think I’m singing, ‘All the lonely Starbucks lovers,’” Taylor Swift expresso’ed.

As a native New Yorker (now living in Boston), Norman Birnbach does not need Taylor Swift to welcome him to New York – but he sings along anyway, much to the embarrassment of his wife and kids. His articles have appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Barnes & Noble’s Grin & Tonic, Splitsider, and other publications.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.

Taylor Swifties, by Norman Birnbach