The tables have turned this week on Bachelor in Paradise because the female bangtestants are in charge of giving out the roses. But first, we have to see who is going to arrive and which of the Fauxdashian sisters is going to have a complete meltdown. It’s like the seasons changing or a new Mission: Impossible movie: a slightly depressing inevitability.
This week, it’s Lauren’s time to have a completely irrational and over-the-top meltdown. She’s upset because … oh, who the hell cares. Does she serve any purpose other than to rile up Ashley I.’s anxiety in a way that is completely inappropriate for a pair of sisters? Lauren is in her personal hell: She’s hot and sweaty and she’s around people. So that means Lauren hates Miami, Jakarta, Singapore, Honolulu. She’s gonna be one of those people who takes her honeymoon in the mountains. Ugh. More important, it’s revealed that Lauren is a “mistress.” Well, not exactly a mistress, because the other guy isn’t married and they’re not really dating and they are connected only through Lauren’s delusion. So it’s like every other relationship on any Bachelor franchise.
Lauren is waiting for the arrival of the new bangtestants and hoping that one of them could be the one to steal her away from the man she’s “stealing” away from some unnamed woman. And here comes the fresh meat: Joe and Joshua!
Did they just shuttle in all the men from Kaitlyn’s season?
In my mind, I call Joshua “Jack” because he walked away with a jacked-up-as-hell haircut. In my mind, I call Joe “Wait … he isn’t Joshua? Which one is Joshua? They’re different people?” I’ve said it before and I’m not afraid to say it again: All white men look the same to me. There’s one way to tell Joshua and Not Joshua apart because Not Joshua has decided to be a complete and utter nightmare this season. We saw glimpses of this when Kaitlyn eliminated him, but yikes, bruh. He is unable to maintain an adult conversation without insulting someone for being on the show too many times (Clare) or he’s blabbing to a producer that the bangestant in question isn’t that smart (Juelia), but we’ll get to that in a moment. (Or we won’t. That was kinda it. We’ll see where we are in a few paragraphs.)
Lauren leaves because Joshua isn’t into her, so after a meltdown by the other Fauxdashian sister, she drags her suitcase through the sand, leaving wheel tracks. She looked down and asked Jesus: If you were with me, why was there only one set of wheel tracks in the sand?
And Jesus said to Lauren, Because I checked my bag. AAdvantage Points, bitch!
This episode is all about the men being terrified that the women aren’t going to pick them and being jealous and gossiping. I hate to regurgitate reductive gender stereotypes, but DID THE MEN SUDDENLY TURN INTO SEVENTH-GRADE GIRLS? One time in seventh grade, my friend Christy made me write a valentine from “her boyfriend who went to another school” to make her boyfriend Ben jealous because my handwriting was messy like a boy’s. THAT was more mature and well thought-out than any plan any of these turkey necks came up with this episode.
The following dudes were caught in a turmoil of their own emotions and were unable to handle them because of the restrictions placed on men under the patriarchy: Jonathon, Mikey, J “I only cry during movies about baseball” J.
Their poor little man-feelings manifested in smack-talk and lashing out at the objects of their affection because they were so hurt and shocked by the possibility they weren’t getting a rose this week.
When Joshua arrives, he’s carrying a date card, and he asks Tenley on a date after Ashley I. unsuccessfully tries to pimp her sister out to him. Joshua and Tenley have a night out on the town while J “Sometimes women get intimidated by me because they can’t handle a real man” J tells everyone that he’s shocked Tenley even accepted a date with Joshua. Joshua is going to be a few nights’ entertainment, and she’s going to come crawling back. JJ calls Joshua a “carp,” which is the cutest insult I’ve ever heard, and he says he would bet $50,000 that he gets a rose before Joshua. I’ll take that bet. I mean, he does have a point that Joshua only has a teaspoon of wit and humor because Joshua legitimately thinks Tokyo is in China, so … but I guess JJ never got the word that Tenley only put the moves on him so she could get a rose and stay through to the next week. Clever girl.
There might be hope for you yet, JJ, because apparently Joshua’s diet consists of coconuts and molly, and Tenley has never done a single drug in her life. She got trapped in the chemistry, and maybe he’s really not the man for her …
Next up on the sad feelings tour of paradise is Jonathon. With the arrival of Joe, Juelia is intrigued for no real reason. Hey, girl, when you meet a guy and everyone is not interested and thinks he’s a drip, don’t go out with that guy. ESPECIALLY if you’re looking for a father for your child. Hey, girl, I do not mean to judge at all, but please don’t look for a father for your child when you’re all sleeping in bunk beds. Summer camp, jail, Bachelor in Paradise. It’s all not a great idea.
Joe takes Juelia horse-riding. He doesn’t ask her out per se but makes her ask herself out, and the pair end up making out in a waterfall. Meanwhile, back at the BIP bar, Jonathon talks to everyone who will listen and says he put so much time into Juelia and he has to talk to her when she gets back. He’s confused. He’s lost. He’s got really reflective shades on. When Juelia gets back, she takes him aside and she tells him she doesn’t feel romantic chemistry with him. He says in an interview that he put a full weekend—
HOLD UP. A FULL WEEKEND? ONLY A WEEKEND?
These people are this hung up on each other after a weekend? I feel like this is one of those situations where you’re dating someone for a month and he’s not feeling it so he has this long, drawn-out breakup with you and tells you he’s friends with all his exes but you’re not really his ex because you were never exclusive to begin with, and now you’re just sitting on your couch while the credits to Joy Luck Club roll and your sesame noodles are congealing … I digress. Nothing is that serious. You’ve known each other A DAY, maybe take some steps back.
Finally, we have the bomb set off by Jared that completely annihilates Ashley I. and Mikey. Jared gets a date card because the producers know exactly how to poke the sensitive drama-centers of the bangtestants’ brains. Jared picks Clare for a date at the bonfire in front of Ashley I. and Mikey.
Ashley I. and Mikey completely deconstruct. They become mere shells of themselves. Ashley I. wore nude lipstick in case Jared was going to kiss her. Oh, honey. Mikey warns Jared that Clare is too old for him and maybe he should respect Mikey’s three-day claim on Clare. Then Mikey lies on his bed and cries about Clare. Oh, Mikey.
Mikey and Clare have a completely dumb fight. and maybe Mikey is going to leave on his own instead of being humiliated.
I think Ashley I. and Mikey should hook up. Think about it.