Good evening and welcome! How’s everyone feeling out there? That’s what I’m talking about! It’s Thursday, so that means it’s U.S. Infrastructure Night here at the Landing Strip! We’ve go the sexiest roads, bridges, dams, and more, and they are ready to show you what they have! And remember, the more money you throw at these ladies, the better they’ll work for you.
Now, I know there’s a lot of talk out there, saying “Infrastructure is not sexy. I’d rather come back on a better night. Things like Foreign Affairs, Tax Plans, and Constitutional Disputes are way more sexy.” Hell, even some of you are probably into Immigration Reform. But I’m telling you, these ladies have the potential to be the best in the world. They just need your generosity to give you their perfect performance. You don’t know how much you need these ladies in your life until they aren’t there. Enough talking, let’s bring ‘em out!
Alright, now our first girl here is Liberty, and she’s come all the way from Pittsburgh, PA. Liberty Bridge is a girl you do not want to mess with. Boys cry rivers for her, but she gets over it like its nothing, so watch out! Everyone from Pittsburgh knows once you finally get Liberty Bridge, you go straight on to the South Hills and the Liberty Tunnel. Yeah, she’s loving how much cash you’re throwing at her. Look at her go know! With all that money she’s not going to crumble or collapse anytime in the near future. Thank you, boys, for showing you love for Liberty.
Now it’s time to bring out our next girl. Here she comes, it’s U.S. Power Grid. She’s only been on stage for a second and you can feel the electricity in the room. Now I sure didn’t learn this in science class, but apparently stripper poles are wonderful conductors. I mean, look at the way she works it! You throw those high bills at her and you won’t have to worry about any Grid Blackouts. She needs that money to be at her top energy out on that stage. Alright, sorry fellas, that’s all she has for the night. We don’t want her to burn out. She’ll be needed for many nights to come.
Before I bring out our next girl, I wanted to point out I’ve been seeing a lot you guys throwing ones out there. That’s just not gonna cut for these ladies. I’ve seen how giving you can be on U.S. Defense Night, so why not throw it to these ladies who could really use it? Sure they’ve kind of hit a rough patch in their lives, with a lot of these ladies getting poor grades from the American Society of Civil Engineering, but they’re still capable of doing great things. They just need your help, so show them you care with those fat wallets of yours.
And on that I’ll bring out our next girl, who was born and raised in the heart of Kentucky. Her name is Wolf Creek, and if you ask me she’s the best damn Dam in the whole damn land. She’s been known to get a little wet, even up to the point that some would say she’s leaking a little. She was built on top of limestone, so she needs all the help you guys can give her, because not everyone is blessed with a perfect foundation. Without your help, you could have a $6 billion problem on your hands. And don’t act like she hasn’t earned your help with all that hydroelectricity she’s been generating up on stage.
Alright now, our last girl of the night is a Southern belle, and she’s a smart girl, given the right facilities. Let’s bring her out, it’s Texas Schools. Look how beautiful she is. It’s hard to believe her state doesn’t want to give her much attention. Now I know she isn’t the bustiest girl we have, but doesn’t she have the prettiest face? Maybe with enough money she can make the improvements needed to bring her up to a perfect 10, so throw those big bills out there. I wanna see some Benjamins! Let’s hope the right decisions are made as to where that money goes.
Well that’s it for U.S. Infrastructure Night. I want to thank you all for coming out. I’m glad to see we didn’t have any of our girls collapse or breakdown on stage, like in weeks past. You ignore these ladies long enough and you’re going to find yourself in quite a bit of debt. These ladies still need your attention!
Luke Pohjala is a writer living in Ohio.
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