The White House launched its Spotify account today with the release of the two-part “President’s Summer Playlist,” handily divided between “Day” and “Night.” The “Day” playlist is interesting for the reveal that POTUS is an Okkervil River fan, but it’s the “Night” one we’re going to discuss today, as a close examination reveals that this is almost certainly Barack Obama’s summer sex playlist.
We start off with Coltrane’s “Favorite Things,” and everyone knows that “jazz in my room” is the musical equivalent of “Netflix and chill.” Then we move on to Beyoncé’s “Superpower,” and, Oh, what’s that? An arm around your back? Now “Moondance” is playing. You notice your legs are suddenly touching. Two tracks later comes Al Green’s “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart,” and, Wow, did you ever notice how pretty your eyes are when you laugh like that? Now he’s rounding into first, and by the time Lauryn Hill and D’Angelo come on, you better believe he’s heading toward second. Before you know it, Mary J.’s “I Found My Everything” is soundtracking tender presidential disrobing. Coitus commences some time around Otis Redding’s “I’ve Got Dreams to Remember,” probably in some sort of very intimate missionary action. Things ramp up a bit with “Feelin’ Good,” and the orchestral stomps in the Lumineers’ “Stubborn Love” get you both into a pretty good rhythm. You both reach orgasm during Cassandra Wilson’s “Until,” and Mos Def soundtracks the comedown. By the time Billie Holiday comes on, you’ve both drifted off to a very relaxing sleep. Thanks, Obama.