If you’re reading this post Friday morning, you already missed most of the madness of Force Friday, Disney’s global unveiling of its Force Awakens merchandise. The international spectacle of commerce was preceded by days of official unboxing videos, and kicked off in earnest with midnight events at retailers like Target, Walmart, and Toys ’R’ Us. The first 1,000 guests at Disney stores in Chicago, New York, and San Francisco received a free poster; shoppers at Disneyland and Disney World got a commemorative messenger bag.
This is where we stop and reflect on the fact that capitalism has led us to a place where we’re having what amounts to a red-carpet premiere for tie-in toys, three months before a movie comes out. Which is strange, we suppose, but less strange if you consider that people have been camping out for books and phones and video-game consoles and sneakers for years. If your passions include lining up on a Thursday night to buy Star Wars merchandise, then by God, Disney is going to give you that dream with all the pomp and circumstance it can muster. Let he who never obsessed over a miniature B-Wing cast the first stone.
So, now that we’ve entered the first day in what Disney estimates is a 40-year reign for new Star Wars merchandise, what cool bits of plastic have our corporate overlords, in their boundless munificence, provided for us? Here’s a guide:
Miniature BB-8 ($149.99): This is the crown jewel of the Force Awakens toys, the thing that the people have clamored for ever since the adorable soccer-droid made its debut, and thanks to Disney’s partnership with Sphero, you’ve finally got a vessel in which to pour all your love and affection. A whole bunch of media outlets (but not us,*cough, cough*) got these guys for free this week; the highlight of their collective coverage was Vanity Fair’s video of BB-8 in a roomful of puppies.
Finn’s Pilot Jacket ($49.99): Were you, too, obsessing over John Boyega’s jacket in the Force Awakens trailer? Now you — or, more realistically, your child — can get the look, straight from Jakku’s hottest (literally, it’s a desert planet) boutiques.
Furbacca ($79.99): This is exactly what it sounds like, and you have every reason to be scared.
“Battle Action” Millennium Falcon ($119.99): If you’re the type of person who wants to buy a $100 Millennium Falcon toy, you probably already have one. But do you have one that shoots darts?
Kylo Ren’s Lightsaber ($29.99): Everyone made fun of this lightsaber when it showed up in the Force Awakens teaser. But will they make fun of you when you bring it into work? (Probably.)
Captain Phasma Suit ($59.99): This is made for children, so it might be a little bit tight on you, which is probably the only time you’ll be able to say that about something intended to be worn by Gwendoline Christie.
Black Series First Order Special Forces TIE Fighter (With TIE Fighter Pilot) ($169.99): I guess that makes this one the Ferrari.
Poe Dameron’s X-Wing Vehicle ($49.99): Sure, this looks cool, but can it build affordable housing in Yonkers?
LEGO Star Wars Millennium Falcon ($149.99): Too many pieces, probably, but maybe you can convince someone on Craigslist to build it for you.
Star Wars Duck Tape ($7.99): For when you like Star Wars but you also need some duct tape.