Back to school.
Photo: Mitchell Haaseth/ABC
Hiya, folks! I’m pulling double duty for Vulture, recapping both Scandal, and another one in Shonda Rhimes’s juggernaut: How to Get Away With Murder, which, thanks to last night’s premiere, should be retitled How to Get Phoebe to Pray to Black Jesus (a.k.a. Oprah) Because She Doesn’t Believe What the Hell She Just Watched. Seriously, every time it seemed like “It’s Time to Move On” was pretty calm, something insane happened that made me reach for the inhaler I don’t own. I’m still trying to process everything, so let’s talk this out and see if I can relax.
Frank and Annalise are in the basement, discussing what to do about Rebecca and her dead body with the ease of two co-workers talking about beverages: “I like soy milk.” “Meh, I’m more of an almond milk fan myself.” Why are these people so chill?! Probably because Annalise’s outfits are always amazing and Frank is about as delectable as a box of Entenmann’s cinnamon buns: They’re both a little evil, and that evil prevents them from acting how a normal person would in the presence of a dead body. Anyway, Frank is convinced that Wes killed Rebecca, while Annalise isn’t so sure. You know, for this whole series, she and Wes have had a very weird relationship. She is always out to protect him, and I can’t tell if it’s because there is a Mrs. Robinson thing that’s going to happen or, as some of my Twitter buddies think, she is somehow his mother. Either way, Annalise is ride or die for Wes and doesn’t want him to take the fall.
None of Annalise’s interns know what’s going on, and as a result, they’re all caught up in their own melodramas. Michaela and Laurel almost come to blows because Michaela is still pissed that Laurel hid the engagement ring. Asher is still sexing on Bonnie, which is so adorable. Connor is trying to get laid with his bae Oliver, but since Oliver is HIV-positive, he wants to wait until the PrEP pills are completely in Connor’s system, which will take another two weeks, before they get down. Connor is like, “Got it. So how about an HJ?” which kind of pisses Oliver off, although HJs are so low-maintenance that Oliver could’ve been updating his Pinterest page with one hand and taking care of Connor with his other hand. It’s barely a job, ya know? Oliver doesn’t think like I do, so Connor remains in blue ball hell. As for Wes? He’s moping around and sassing Anna because he misses Rebecca, who he still thinks simply ran away. I will never understand his deep and profound love for Rebecca, a low-budget goth chick who would’ve been kicked out the witch/goth-girl crew from The Craft.
Of course, there is a case Annalise and Co. are trying that no one really cares about. Apparently, a Blasian duo is being accused of killing their parents. In any other episode, this might be interesting, but not this week, because some lady named Eve shows up at Annalise’s office. Turns out Eve is the lawyer Annalise told Nate to call in the season-one finale. These two ladies clearly have a past, and I wouldn’t mind seeing a show with just the two of them arguing and then staring at each other meaningfully in platonic and non-platonic ways. Anyway, Eve decides to throw Annalise a bone and meets with Nate.
Nate, understandably, is not having it with Eve, as he’s suspicious that this is just another Annalise setup. Eve asks him what he’s talking about, and he mentions that Anna framed him. Eve dips out of there to yell at Annalise for, yet again, only looking out for herself. This feels like a friend fight, but I don’t know. These ladies are tearing up and looking at each other like there’s more to this story. Hmm.
Meanwhile, Frank is continuing to be super-shady. Whether it’s insisting to Annalise that Wes killed Rebecca without providing any proof to support this claim or being awkward around the interns, he cannot keep it together. His lowest point, however, comes later in the show, when he’s at home, looking at Michaela’s online-dating profile while shirtless. Um, is he about to jerk off to this? We’ll never know, because Laurel arrives and says loudly in the hallway: “REBECCA IS DEAD, ISN’T SHE?”
Now, before you think I’m being too harsh, just think about this. She arrives at Frank’s place, he’s shirtless when answering the door, and all she wants to do is talk about Rebecca. This is why Laurel needs to be control-alt-deleted from HTGAWM. She clearly doesn’t have her priorities straight, which should be: (1) Hook up with Frank; (2) Hook up with Frank; (3) Remember that someone died, but interrupt this memory with a Vietnam-esque flashback of Frank turning her out like a reversible rain poncho; then (4) Hook up with Frank again. Anyway, she’s doesn’t hook up with him and he makes her leave.
He then goes to Annalise and is convinced that Laurel killed Rebecca, but Annalise goes, “Wrong girl.” Next we see Annalise showing up at Bonnie’s place. What.org/donations?! Bonnie killed Rebecca? Yes, and all because she was trying to protect Sam because she wants to hold on to the belief that he was a great man? News flash: He wasn’t, sooo … Now Annalise is disgusted with Bonnie and calls her a monster. I don’t blame Anna. That is a pretty crazy way of showing one’s loyalty. On another note, between Bonnie killing Rebecca and the movie Gone Girl, I’m legit afraid of blonde white women forever. From now on I will be nice to them at all times, because I have too much to live for (Solange’s Instagram feed).
Annalise visits Eve to make some sense of life, and that’s when Eve casually brings up the past and how Annalise left her for Sam. Damn! Annalise and Eve had a lez-be-honest situation back in the day. Love it. Looks like they’re about to pick up where they left off, and they hook up. The next day Eve is in the courtroom, acting as Nate’s lawyer. All I’m saying is you know your vajeen is good when one hit of it makes someone go on Priceline.com, change their travel plans, and come work for you.
That Blasian murder trial ends up working out in Annalise’s favor because, as we learn, Bonnie and Laurel tamper with evidence. Next we see the Blasian at home, and I’m assuming they did kill their parents, but I don’t care, I guess. Because more important things are happening, like Michaela is texting Eggs 911. Yep, the very same Eggs 911 that Rebecca was texting the day she was killed. Nothing good will come of this, Michaela, please stop, go home, and moisturize your knees and elbows with some cocoa butter.
She doesn’t go home because Annalise, in her finest ‘90s-raver wig, invites the interns out to dance at a club. Everything is cool until it’s not, and I have the urge to take a Silkwood shower. Annalise starts rubbing her hands down Wes’s body while they’re dancing. Oh, hell no. I did not eat a Lean Cuisine only to barf it up because Annalise is trying to tap that. Please, ABC, Shonda Rhimes, the NAACP, somebody, please make this mess stop. It ain’t right.
We cut to two months later, and if they’re in bed together, I’m out — oh. Oh, no! Wes is in the dark, running away from a house, and inside the house is Annalise … lying in the ground … in a pool of her own blood … because she was shot … by Wes?
How could Wes do this?? Why would he do this? I have so many questions and I can’t breathe. Talk among yourselves.