Move over, ClickHole and EDGEtv, because The Onion just added a brand new website. Called StarWipe, the site is a parody of trashy celebrity gossip sites like TMZ that The Onion promises will “stand out amongst the throng of shallow-minded, insolent, Hollywood-obsessed reporting.” Some headlines on the site today include “Brad Pitt Apparently Popular Enough To Get Away With Buying Nazi Motorbike,” “It’s Unclear What Kim Kardashian Plans To Do With Baby’s Placenta,” and “Pink Opens Up About Eating Meat Again And, By God, We’re Going To Squeeze 400 Words Out Of It.” Here’s more from StarWipe’s official press release:
As the most trusted source in the completely untrustworthy realm of celebrity gossip, StarWipe will supply a constant stream of scurrilous, invasive information on the lives of the rich and famous through riveting articles, slideshows, and videos. Whether scrutinizing a star’s clothes, their relationships, or their laughable attempts to maintain some reasonable expectation of privacy, StarWipe will dedicate itself to ensuring that celebrities rue the day they ever decided to pursue life as a public figure. “The world of celebrity reporting is currently a garish cacophony of carefully presented artifice, publicist spin, empty innuendo, and outright lies,” says Sean O’Neal, editor of StarWipe. “We thought we’d add to that.” Along with providing the standard of excellence in reporting on meaningless garbage, StarWipe is also committed to supporting America’s teeming underclass of paparazzi, human parasites who would otherwise be forced to find a place in a job market that doesn’t value their skills of taking unflattering photographs or asking presumptuously personal questions.