What Your Favorite Automobile from Television or the Movies Says About You, by Gary M. Almeter

Bo & Luke Duke’s 1969 Dodge Charger (a.k.a. the General Lee): Years ago, you put your child up for adoption. Now you see him/her working at the grocery store all the time.

The 1959 Cadillac Miller-Meteor Hearse from Ghostbusters (a.k.a. Ecto-1): You refuse to go to dance clubs since what they should really be called is “rump shaking in everyone’s face” clubs.

Thelma & Louise’s 1966 turquoise Thunderbird: You refuse to use this one stall at work because one day, like four years ago, there was shit on the seat.

Fred Sanford’s beat up 1951 Ford F1 4x2 Truck: When you eat Skittles, you pour them all out of the bag and eat them by color. You eat three of a color at any one time unless the total number of that color is not a multiple of three in which case you eat two at a time. You eat the purples and reds first, then the oranges, and finish with the greens and yellows.

Colt Seaver’s 1982 GMC Sierra pick-up (The Fall Guy): You once found a potato chip in the shape of the Virgin Mary, but your brother ate it before you could alert the media.

Sonny Crockett’s 1986 white Ferrari Testarossa (Miami Vice): When taking notes in class you usually draw little battle scenes all over the paper. The battles are invariably between U.S. and Canada.

The Love Bug (a.k.a. Herbie): In your hometown, there was a little girl who was framed for her father’s murder. She is still in prison even though you have exculpatory evidence which would exonerate her.

Scooby Doo’s Mystery Machine: You don’t like cold apples. If you bring an apple to work for lunch, you have to make sure you take it out of your lunch sack before you put it in the work refrigerator or you won’t be able to eat it. Same thing with pears.

Jim Rockford’s 1977 Pontiac Firebird Esprit: You were a student intern at Google, but you had to leave because you fell in love with one of your bosses.

Starsky & Hutch’s 1976 Ford Gran Torino: You love each other; and yet, it can never be. Also, you pepper your speech with British slang—e.g., “wankers,” “blokes,” “shunkie,” “bollocks”—even though you’ve never been to England.

Magnum P.I.’s 1977 Ferrari 308 GTS: You have drawn up a list of transgressions and an appropriate act of revenge for each.

The A-Team’s 1983 GMC Vandura G-1500 van: You throw baseballs and footballs with your right hand, but frisbees with your left. You golf and bat baseballs right-handed, but play tennis, badminton and ping pong with your left.

Doc Brown’s 1981 DeLorean DMC-12 with flux capacitor from Back to the Future: You put maple syrup on everything.

Wayne’s World’s 1976 AMC Pacer: Your favorite summertime fruit is the kiwi. Oh. And you can’t spell for shit. And you frequently fold dollar bills into origami flowers.

Dumb & Dumber’s 1984 customized furry Ford Econoline van: Ben Folds’ “The Luckiest” makes you cry.

The Batmobile from the 1960s Batman TV show, a Ford Lincoln Futura: You hyphenate words that you feel just sort of belong together.

The Batmobile from the Tim Burton Batman films, a customized Chevy Impala: You wipe sweat and oil from your face and then roll it around your fingers until it becomes a little black ball and then you flick it.  As you flick it, you pretend you are God flicking a planet into another galaxy.

The Batmobile from the Christopher Nolan Batman films: You are in love with your step-brother. Also, you collect ceramic and porcelain turtles.

James Bond’s 1963 Aston Martin DB5 (from Goldfinger): You were married once before and you have not yet told your current partner. You’re not sure if you will ever tell him or her.

The Green Hornet’s 1966 Chrysler Imperial: When you go to a restaurant, you have to walk around the dining room three times to see which chair best suits you.

Mad Max’s 1974 highly modified Ford Falcon XB Interceptor: At the grocery store, you read the quaint stories on the packaging out loud, e.g., “Old Mr. Werther started making his buttery toffee in trays for all the village children…”

Smokey and the Bandit’s 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans-Am: You loathe all condiments, especially mayonnaise. You also loathe most salad dressings.

The red 1957 Plymouth Belvedere from Stephen King’s Christine (a.k.a. “Christine”): You fancy yourself an expert in identifying celebrity voices in commercial voiceovers.

National Lampoon’s Vacation’s 1979 Ford Country Squire LTD: You know someone who has slept with Seal.

The Partridge Family’s Piet Mondrian-inspired school bus: You cannot eat anything that is made with warm lettuce; this includes BLTs.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: You like to yell “Splat!” when your would-be assailants hit the ground.

The yellow 1973 Volkswagen Transporter van from Little Miss Sunshine: You fear that you are incapable of being loved. Also, you like licking the salt and butter out of the inside of bags of popcorn.

Cameron Frye’s Dad’s 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder as seen in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: In college, you would frequently pass out with Annie Lennox’s “No More I Love You’s” on repeat on your roommate’s CD player.

Fozzie’s Uncle’s 1951 Studebaker Commander in The Muppet Movie: You have to make sure the coffee mugs in your cupboard are all facing the same direction, ideally at a 45-degree angle.

Kill Bill Vol. 1’s bright yellow 1997 Chevrolet C-2500 Silverado Fleetside (a.k.a. the Pussy Wagon): Your partner hates you because you were the reason for his/her intervention.

The Blues Brothers’ 1974 Dodge Monaco (a.k.a. The Bluesmobile): You don’t see what’s wrong with telling multiple people that you’re in love with them.

Thomas the Tank Engine: You have never been kissed. But you lie about what you’ve done so people think that you’re a slut.

Knight Rider’s 1982 Firebird (a.k.a. K.I.T.T.): You line up your bath products according to what you will use first. It goes: shower gel, razor, face wash, shampoo, conditioner, fragrant body oil.

Walter White’s 2004 Pontiac Aztek (Breaking Bad): You once ran over a jogger who was jogging in place while waiting at a crosswalk just because he annoyed you with his jogging in place.

James Dean’s 1949 Mercury from Rebel Without a Cause: You press the “clear” button on the calculator like 50 times before beginning a new mathematical equation.

The 1941 Lincoln Continental outside of which Sonny Corleone dies in The Godfather: Your favorite Kennedy sister is Eunice.

James Bond’s 1977 Louts Esprit submersible from The Spy Who Loved Me: You sabotage your siblings so you can look like the good child.

Billy Gambini’s 1964 Buick Skylark from My Cousin Vinny: You never sheath a weapon until it has tasted blood. Also, everyone at school loves your blog but they don’t know it’s you!

The 1966 Alfa Romeo Spider Duetto from The Graduate: You encouraged your brother to run away. He did.

Flounder’s brother’s 1964 Lincoln Continental from Animal House (a.k.a. the Deathmobile): You often pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming because it all seems so surreal.

Danny Zuko’s 1948 Ford DeLuxe from Grease (a.k.a. Greased Lightning): You really can’t stand Betty White. You want to like her. But you don’t. In fact, you think you might hate her.

Bullitt’s 1968 Ford Mustang GT390 Fastback, as driven by Steve McQueen: You keep little jars of dirt from every nation you have visited.

Fred Flintstone’s car: You were involved in the hold-up at the drugstore.

Gary M. Almeter is an attorney in Baltimore, MD. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Writer’s Bone, and The Good Men Project.

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What Your Favorite Automobile from Television or the […]