Matt McGorry, Charlie Weber.
Photo: Greg Gayne/ABC
Friendships, last night’s episode was B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Quite honestly, I’m still trying to recover from what I just watched. How to Get Away With Murder is the name of the show, but it really could be called All Us Bitches Are Ride or Die. Time and time again, we see how Frank, Bonnie, and the interns pledge allegiance to Annalise like she is the damn United States flag. Well, not all the interns. Asher. Has. Gone. Rogue. He is not about the life of lying, breaking the law, and looking the other way when dirty deeds are done, even though it seems like he may have murdered a girl (by accident? on purpose? who knows) back in the day. LOL. That’s like when I tell people I’m dairy-free and judge others for eating dairy even though I spent my entire life up until two weeks ago mainlining Häagen-Dazs every night before bed. But I get it, Asher has grown and wants to live life on the straight and narrow, which, as we learn in “Meet Bonnie,” spells bad news for Annalise & Co., and it may very well lead to his demise in a later episode if he doesn’t watch his step. Before we begin to speculate what’s going to happen to Asher, we need to talk about everything, and I mean everything (y’all know I’m talking about Frank’s nekkidness).
We start as we have with every episode this season, with the flashback to the night that Annalise was shot and Prosecutor Sinclair was killed. Bonnie is running away from the house in her heels better than I run in New Balance sneakers, so, basically, I need to reevaluate my whole life. Anyway, she gets into a car, Asher is there and looks terrified. We smash-cut back to a few weeks before this night, and we’re right back where we ended last week with the couple. Bonnie is telling this sob story about how she killed Sam because he tried to sexually assault her. Ummmmm, Bonnie, what are you doing?! This is an insane lie that is designed to protect Annalise, but this is a horrible idea. This lie haunts Asher as he runs out of the courtroom to Annalise’s office.
At the office, Bonnie tells Annalise what she did, and as per usual, Annalise cusses her out. Okay, yes, Bonnie sometimes goes too far with her lie-telling, but Bon is so loyal to Anna that a thank you or a $12 Starbucks gift card would be nice. Yes, this means Annalise used $8 off a $20 card and gave Bon the rest of the remaining balance, but that’s still better than Anna calling Bon a screw up on the regular. Meanwhile, the rest of the interns are convinced that something is going on because Frank and Annalise are being increasingly shady. So, naturally, they decide to jokingly go out with a bang, literally, and plan an orgy. Both Laurel and Connor fight over who’s going give Michaela an orgasm, and everyone basically treats Wes like a bowl of soggy mixed vegetables, a.k.a. no one volunteers to take Wes to the bone zone. But Dont’ Cry for Him, Argentina, because he has bigger things to worry about, like locating Rebecca’s body. Before we can see what he’s up to, Asher bursts into the office. Asher demands to talk to Annalise, who corroborates Bonnie’s story. Asher then goes back to the courthouse and goes, “I know who murdered Sam.” ASHER!
We don’t see what Asher says, and instead we cut back to Annalise’s. The interns are officially freaking out because they have no idea what the Asher/Annalise meeting was about. Connor has given up after Anna’s threat last week. He’s day-drinking and is suspicious of Anna, Bonnie, and Frank. Frank tells him to fall back. Then Michaela makes another sexy call to Levi, but who cares about this because of Flaurel. FLAUREL. You guys, this is the moment we have all been waiting for. Frank shows up in the basement and Laurel is there. She kisses him, he’s like, “Whoa, I thought you were going to get to know me, LOL,” and she’s like, “If we going to jail, I’mma get my last O.” Frank is worried about people hearing them, and that’s when she pulls down her undies and goes, “Don’t you want this?”
YAAAAAAS! Laurel is finally behaving like a grown-ass woman. No more coy shit; she took off her undies, folded that mess up like a gently used napkin at a five-star restaurant, and got. To. Work. Laurel was great, but Frank? Frank was so bomb in this scene that it had me drinking all the water out of my Brita filter.
God bless Charlie Weber, and God bless my eyeballs, and God bless the internet for uploading GIFs of that scene immediately. Anyway, they finish boning, and didn’t try to hide the fact from the interns that they smashed while waiting on their Seamless lunch order. Now that playtime is over, we have to deal with a litany of real things.
First off, Annalise meets with Nate and says she has to come clean because she’s lying. OBVIOUSLY! That’s 73 percent of what this heifer does. Then she spends 19 percent of time combing her wigs and putting lotion on, leaving the remaining 8 percent for doing laundry, looking at Wes creepily, and making Bonnie feel bad about herself. Anyway, Anna tells Nate what Nia asked her to do, and then the two share a moment and hold hands. Nope! What about Eve? It’s the lez-be-honest relationship or nothing. Next on the real docket, Asher learns once again that his daddy and his Just for Men haircut ain’t worth a damn because his daddy cut a deal with Sinclair to save his own ass. Poor Asher is shocked again that his dad let him down, which breaks my heart. Asher is having so many real feelings this episode, and I can barely handle it. Finally, on the docket of real things, Connor tells Oliver that he loves him. Remember last season, when Ollie said it and Connor didn’t say it back, but you could tell he was into Ollie. Well, Connor has grown up a lot and is putting his heart on the line. This moment pretty much makes me cry like when I think I’m out of ChapStick, but I find a container at the bottom of my purse that is just enough to coat my bottom lip. In short, I am very touched by the Colliver relationship, and I will buy them whatever is the most expensive item off their Williams-Sonoma registry when they get married one day.
This Hapstall case is still going on, and at this point, I just want to find out if Caleb killed his parents already. I’m so over how long this part of the story is being dragged out. Wes walks out of the courtroom to meet up with Levi, who has tracked down Bruno. The two confront Bruno, and about .675 seconds into the conversation, Levi pulls a gun on Bruno. This is not Boyz n the Hood, dude, chill out and get a grip. Wes is like, “No one is shooting anyone,” and everything is calm again, and Bruno mentions that Frank had a storage room.
Back at Annalise’s, everyone is there. Frank enters the room, and he places the key to the storage room on a table. Y’all. Why. Did. Frank. Put. Those. Keys. On. The. Table. For. Wes. To. Steal. This is what happens when you have sex. You lose focus because too much energy was spent blowing a back out. Anyway, Frank and Bonnie meet with Anna privately and assure her that they have everything under control. Then Anna meets with Wes, and she can sense he’s being weird, so she goes to Nate and asks him why Nate is lying to her. He tells her that it’s because he thinks she killed Rebecca. She then tells him that Bonnie killed Sam in self-defense, and I start to laugh. Turns out earlier that Anna only wanted to come clean about that one specific thing regarding Nia. Anna continues to lie about everything else.
The interns follow Levi and Wes and then confront them on the street. At first Michaela is worried the two men are hooking up and that’s why Wes is like, “Oh, no. This guy is Eggs 911/Rebecca’s sister. LOL.” Poor Michaela. Her fiancé was on the download and her current piece lied about his identity. Homegirl needs to just take Connor and Laurel up on their offer to tag team her vajeen because everyone else is letting her down/lying to her. As everyone is arguing and saying they can’t trust each other, two “cops” show up — I’m using quotes because they look like they work the forklift at Home Depot’s docking bay and not like cops — and they search Levi’s car and “find” two bags of meth in there. Mm-hmm. This is all very suspicious, indeed.
Meanwhile, Bonnie is trying to get Asher not to testify. They tell each other “I love you,” and Asher says that because he loves her, he has to go to the police. D’oh! Bonnie handles this the opposite of well, and sobs on the phone to Annalise about how Anna should just let her take the fall for everything. I fear for Bon’s life. She’s too emotional, and her man ain’t ride-or-die. Anna needs to come get her girl.
Back to the interns. They don’t think anything about Levi’s arrest was shady, so they go to the storage locker and use Frank’s key to out it. Inside is a giant suitcase. They think it’s going to contain Rebecca’s body, but inside it is stacks of cash. Everyone is shocked and like, “See, Wes, Levi is just a shady drug dealer.” I have two problems with this situation: (1) Wes was a dumbass and has his prints all over the suitcase now, and (2) not even one of them stole three Lincolns and Jackson? I would have legit taken enough money to pay off six months of student loans. Anyway, the super-important fact is that all of this was orchestrated by Frank. He set up Levi, planted the money, and keeps his suits pressed and wrinkle-free. I need a man like him in my life.
We end on Asher going to see Annalise. Maybe she can talk some sense into hi— oh. Wait. She’s showing him a videotape of a young Bonnie about to be molested by her dad. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This is so ridic. She could have just texted him that information. She did not need to show him that. Furthermore, I’m already betting that’s not a young Bonnie and that Annalise is just saying it is to manipulate Asher futher. Either way, it’s very low of Annalise. Sheesh.
We return to that night Annalise was shot. Asher and Bonnie drive to a gas station. And literally the worst thing happens. ASHER LEFT BONNIE’S CAR WHILE SHE WASHED BLOOD OFF HER BODY AND HE WENT TO THE COPS! OMG!! This is it, guys. Asher is going to die soon, so I guess we’ll have to see him next at the Crossroads. Nice knowing Asher, a.k.a. Doucheface! Say hi to my uncle Charles, dude. #BoneThugsNHarmonyReference.
Alrighty, what did you think of the episode? Is anyone freaking out/thinking that Asher wrote his death ticket when he went to the police at the end of the episode?