I don’t know what came over me last night because scenes involving both Teddy and Scarlett made me cry. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Let’s start with the Teddy stuff. Rayna gets called away from Bev’s bedside because Daphne straight up coldcocked a girl. (Bitch better have my lunch money?) Yup, this was one of the same girls who said that Teddy was a “total criminal.” When Rayna picks her up, Daphne breaks down and says that she misses her father. So Rayna takes the girls to prison to see Teddy, who is apparently on some sort of razor strike. (My notes: Stop trying to make the Deacon scruff happen, Teddy.) Daphne is all happy and huggy and giddy, but Maddie hangs back, sulking silently — she wants no part of this prison life. Daphne keeps going on and on about how Teddy is innocent, and it’s so unfair that he’s in prison, and he finally, reluctantly, tells her he’s guilty. At which point, Daphne starts crying and screaming, “I hate you!” and Maddie shoots Teddy one of her patented withering looks, and Rayna needs to get them out of there because they’re making a scene. And all I could think was: Do they know about the embezzlement and the high-class hooker? Awkward.
At home, the girls immediately start ripping up old family photos, as one does. Rayna stops them and says, “I don’t care how angry you are! He is still your father.” And Maddie replies: “He is NOT my father!” Which is factually true, but not very supportive at the moment.
Anyway, Rayna works some of her mama magic, off-camera, and the girls return to the prison the next day and Rayna gives this whole speech thanking Teddy for being a great father and husband and always being there and making them feel safe and steady and, okay, there’s the whole hooker and embezzlement thing, but they all still love him anyway. And then everyone is crying and hugging — including me and Oscar, my dog — and it’s just a big ol’ blubbery mess.
Then Teddy says that he’s going to plead guilty and be in jail for a little while (i.e., not on the show). “Don’t forget me when I’m in here,” he tells the girls. Then he breaks the fourth wall, turns to the camera, and says, “And don’t you forget me either.” (Not really, but it was implied.)
Over in Coma Land, everything is horrible. Bev is on life support and essentially brain-dead. Scarlett, being extremely clear-eyed, wants to pull the plug. Deacon wants to keep her alive, because he feels guilty as hell and miracles do happen. (The doctor tells them there’s a “one in a million chance” — which reminds me of that Dumb and Dumber bit when Lloyd hits on that woman and she gives him those same odds and he enthuses, “So you’re saying there’s a chance!” … Probably an inappropriate analogy, come to think of it.) Anyway, Scarlett is the one who has power of attorney and no one is helping her. Deacon is being totally useless; Caleb tells her she has to make the final decision on her own. So she goes to the hospital recording-studio chapel to sing a sad, beautiful song and then Gunnar, who had been worried about her, shows up, apologizing for just barging in, and she leaps from the piano and runs into his arms, crying. All the feels, part deux.
More on Scarlett in a bit, but let’s drop in on the Three Men and a Baby, shall we? It’s morning and Gunnar is making pancakes. (Two weeks ago he sat down to eat cereal and now he’s cooking pancakes? Our boy is really growing up.) Avery is freaking out because he can’t get in touch with Juliette, and Cadence is being characteristically fussy (the casting call for baby Cadence: “Looking for twin babies who are constantly crying.”) The boys keep passing her among them, like she’s some sort of baby hot potato. In a misguided attempt to soothe her, Will calls her “Cadie” and Avery snaps, “HER NAME IS CADENCE!” So noted.
Avery, who is getting increasingly agitated, goes off to take a shower and Gunnar, who is holding Cadence and — in my mind at least — wearing an apron, yells after him, “What about the pancakes? They’re hot! They’re fresh!” It’s solid gold.
Turns out, Juliette is in Indianapolis with Luke. They’re both feeling kind of low — Juliette for obvious reasons; Luke for reasons unclear (but he was part of the emo montage at the start of the show, so he must be upset about something) — so they decide to spend the day together. First, they go to the Indianapolis Speedway, which is basically just an excuse to get Juliette in a cute racing outfit. Then they go to a bar and Juliette calls all her friends and it turns into an afternoon rager. Later, Juliette gets onstage and sings Joan Jett’s “Bad Reputation” — which is a little too on the nose, if you ask me. She ropes Luke into singing with her and what follows is, undoubtedly, the worst duet in the history of the show. They both bang their heads a lot and Luke keeps putting his hands on his hips and strutting around like he’s Mick Jagger or something, and it’s extremely try-too-hard-y and uncomfortable. The next morning, Luke tells Juliette a story about how when he was young, he partied a lot and ignored his family so his wife left him and now it’s the biggest regret of his life. How conveniently analogous!
Meanwhile, Avery has decided to get a divorce. Honestly, can you blame the guy? He has literally been abandoned — twice. He gets the papers and is about to sign them, but has a change of heart when Cadence is soothed, for the second time, by the sound of his and Juliette’s “Lullaby.” He’s sentimental like that.
Before we get back to Scarlett and Bev, a brief word on Kevin and his judgy friends. Moments after meeting Will, they start giving him grief because he’s not coming out of the closet fast enough for their liking. And yes, technically, they’re right. Will has to deal with what it means to be “Will Lexington, Gay Cowboy,” as he puts it. But jeez, it is so not their place to judge. Stand down, Kevin’s friends. Stand down.
Anyway, Scarlett decides to pull the plug on Bev, and she tells Deacon she needs him there because she can’t do it alone. I honestly thought he was going to show up, at the last minute, but he doesn’t. He weeps, alone, in Bev’s room (anyone know the significance of that stuffed bunny? Was that ever a thing?) and Scarlett weeps all alone at Bev’s bedside and there’s obviously going to be a rift between them and it’s the saddest ending ever. Not sure I can take another episode like this, but luckily next week, Juliette calls Emily a “gold-digging, backstabbing whore.” What a time to be alive.