You Got Served
Tony Goldwyn and Romy Rosemont.
Photo: Byron Cohen/ABC
#Gladiators, I don’t know what’s going on this season, but Scandal is completely stepping it up after the messy and uninspired season four, which, while not an all-out disaster, like my middle-school look of bangs and colorful stretchy polyester fabrics, or, as its known in the streets, “going full Blossom,” it was certainly making its legion of faithful viewers wonder what was happening to our beloved show. All the sexy intrigue had gone out the window. The Olitz will-they/won’t-they was getting repetitive. Once-moving characters like Huck and Cy were reduced to one-dimensional caricatures of their former selves. And catchphrases that once meant something quickly wore out their welcome. I mean, how many times did we have to hear Jake and Olivia talk about metaphorically standing in the sun while they were literally, physically standing in the goddamn sun? I wanted to be like, “Hi, ya goofy heauxs! Look around you. You are in the midst of the sun! Your skin is getting all dark and crispy like a skillet of plantains. That’s how much you’re in the sun right now, but by all means, keep talking about this shit; I have some work to catch up on in TurboTax.” Well, my friends, all that is in the past. The first five episodes of this season have been nothing short of excellent. Shonda & Co. are following through on the promise that was laid out in the first season: They are going all in on Olitz. The couple has stopped all their dumb fights, and they are in to win it like they’re trying to score a six-day, seven-night cruise on Wheel of Fortune. And the fallout from this decision is having real, palpable consequences that have me alternating between being on the edge of my seat because of the suspense and grabbing some Kleenex because of the tears. And last night was no different. “You Got Served” gave me an all-you-can-eat buffet of drama, sexiness, and real talk. In short, it was close to perfect.
We open with Cyrus getting over being unemployed by letting Michael press all his sexual buttons like he’s trying to level up on Guitar Hero. JUST KIDDING! Cy was straight-up chilling on the couch, eating brownies and following Fitz’s impeding impeachment on TV. Meanwhile, Cy’s daughter, Ella, is somewhere, still being black and waiting for one of these white men to comb her damn hair so it’ll stop looking like art installation of twigs and pipe cleaners at the Guggenheim. Someone, please call Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and help this child. Anyway, it looks like the impeachment is going to happen, which shocks Fitz. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong, and while I want to hate on him, he does have a point. Why does his passing his peen around like it’s steamed-dumpling samples at Costco mean he’s not fit to be president? Sure, it’s not ideal behavior; however, if Fitz is as good of a president as this show has us believe, then I would be sending Fitz a new dame every month like how back in the day Columbia House would send people CDs in the mail every 30 days and be like, “Pay us whenevs!” #WorstBusinessModelEver. #The90sWereRidiculous. Unfortunately, the country’s opinions on sexual promiscuity are no laughing matter to Fitz & Co., so David suggests they high a lawyer named Patty Snell who has the face/haircut of Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and the attitude of Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms. In short, she is rude as hell, her hairstyle is a decade behind the times, and I love her for this.
Liv meets up with OPA and tells them that she hired Leo to handle the Olitz crisis. He enters the room and Quinn is all like, “Him? Why? What’s he gonna do?” Cut to Leo like …
… as if to say, “You done? No? Okay, biiiiiiiiiiitch, check my résumé. It is longer than the hair extensions you have up in your head. Sit down, shut the hell up, and let me do my job.” He wants to try to spin the affair as the greatest love of all time, and present a fairy tale to make the public view Liv not as a homewrecker but like someone who got swept away by love. OPA is not buying it, and Quinn suggests they try and spin it like my girl Angie Jo and go the humanitarian/philanthropist route. O … kay, but, like, show me a picture of Liv pouring Campbell’s chicken-noodle soup into a bowl for an underprivileged youth. Oh, that’s right. They can’t, because Liv hasn’t done one philanthropic thing in her life, because she’s been too busy feeding her vajeen instead of the children. This plan is ignorant, but Leo makes the best of it. He tells her that in order to appeal to the public, she has to stop wearing designer duds and get people who will go to bat for her. Naturally, she pays a visit to Edison, her ex whom she played like a game of Scrabble.
She shows up at his house and he lets her in. See, if that were me, I would have slammed the door in her face, making sure the door knocker hit her straight in her lace-front-wig glue, but obviously, he is a better person than me. But not too much better, because for breakfast, he puts down his Fiber One bar and instead eviscerates her before saying that he will go on TV and co-sign that she’s awesome. I’m guessing he got some favor out of this, which he will cash in later on this season. Anyway, the Edison interview goes off without a hitch, and Olitz bone near a fireplace. Meanwhile, Mellie gets thrown off the investigation committee because it’s a conflict of interest. She tries to act like she can be impartial about Fitz’s impeachment. LOL. Before she leaves the committee, she tells them that Fitz gave Liv a ring as a gift, which is info that Liv withheld from Leo but is now info that is all over the media. So Leo tells her that she must do a candid interview where she spins the story and talks about the love affair.
While this is going down, the committee approaches Marcus about spying on OPA for them and letting them know if OPA has ever obstructed justice. As much double-crossing as Shondaland shows have, I just don’t think Marcus is going to go through with this, but only time will tell. Back to Liv. She goes to see Jake for some counsel. And I need to interrupt the proceedings to talk about Jake the Bae for a second because he was legit fucking up this episode. Don’t believe me? Lemme count the ways:
1. Well, when Liv, his ex-girlfriend who, in case he forgot, dropped him like chives on a baked potato in order to be with her married lover, showed up at his crib for some advice, he was nice to her, let her in, and they hung out. NOPE. What he should have done was kindly walk Liv over to the bathroom trashcan and show her the condom he just used to bang this new chick. (I refuse to remember her name because she is so irrelevant, like the fifth member of a boy band who is fugs but is in the group because he can hit that low note in the second verse.) Jake did not do that. Instead, once again, he tried to be the Iyanla to her DMX and talk her through the Olitz scandal.
2. Later in the episode, he’s up here buying them dinner, remembering what kind of sauce she like on her veggie burger. WHAT KIND OF MESS IS THIS? If that were me, I would have made sure the restaurant burned her damn burger, forgot all the sauces, and canceled her lemonade so she would have to chew on that dry-ass burger between two dry-ass buns and have nothing to wash it down with. OR I would have been like, “Eat dinner by ya damn self. Forget my number!”
The point is that this is not being a good friend. This is being a damn fool and a pushover, especially because Jake trying to act like that Irrelevant Chick is even on the same level as Liv. I guarantee you, if Irrelevant Chick was like, “Let’s stand in the sun,” Jake would go, “Naw, boo-boo. I’m good. I’mma put on some Coppertone sunscreen, chill in the shade, and watch The Bourne Supremacy on my portable DVD player.” End of rant. Back to the rest of the recap.
With all the Jake scenes out of the way, we can get down to business, and that business is that Marcus only pretended to help out the committee in order to find out what dirt they had on the president, and it turns out to be a doozy. The committee has Liv’s hostage/ransom tape, and they only have to prove that Fitz saw it because if they can prove that, they then have the impeachable offense: Fitz put lives and the country at risk and launched a war with West Angola to get his girlfriend back. But before we find out how this will be handled, we see Liv’s interview about Fitz and their affair. It’s pretty raw and real.
She says she wishes she never met him because then she wouldn’t have fallen in love with him and none of this would have happened. Kerry Washington really sells the mess out of this scene, but it still gives me pause. I guess because I never cheated, let alone carried on a five-year affair, so it’s hard for me to wrap my head around her saying that she “tried” to not do it but love took over. How hard could she have been trying, ya know? I mean, wearing a ring your married boyfriend gave you in front of his wife is not “trying.” Having late-night phone calls with him, knowing that his wife is in the next room watching The Mindy Project, is not “trying.” Boning him in every part of the White House near where his children live is not “trying.” Love be damned. Sometimes you’re just trifling for a really long time, and Olitz were hella trife. Moving on. The interview seems to be a success. Fitz looks heartbroken by hearing how their love affair ruined so many lives. Mellie and Cy are watching, and Cy blames himself. If he had never introduced them, he says, the two would not have fallen in love. That’s very sweet of Cy, especially considering he doesn’t care about other people, but he is not the cause of Olitz. Liv and Fitz are two grown people who made the continual decision to cheat. Anyway, it’s always lovely seeing Mellie and Cy be friends, and just when she offers him a job, he gets a phone call. From the White House. Why? Because of Olitz’s plan about tape.
Olitz know they are in the clear if they can prove that Fitz never saw it, which means he launched a war for political reasons and not personal ones. The only hitch is that Cy watched it, so Fitz has to bribe Cy to get him not to testify. Let just say that this scene between Cyrus and Fitz is phenomenally acted and probably one of the best, if not the best, scene of this season. Both mean make a meal out of their respective speeches, and it’s hard not to be moved. On one end, we have Cy, who has devoted his whole live to Fitz. That certainly was not wise, but it was the choice he made, which has led to his life being in shambles. And in case Fitz doesn’t get it, Cy even says, “I drink your dreams and I sweat your nightmares. This is what you are to me.” Riiiiiiight. Or he could just be like, “My name ain’t Hoover vac, so I’m tired of cleaning up you messes,” but sure, if he wants to get all Single White Female on the president, then all I can say is, “Do you, boo!” Basically, Cy lets Fitz know how much he’s done for him and that Fitz never seemed to care about him, his life, or even know’s Cy’s mama’s name. So Cy turns down the job because he does not need to be treated like the help. Just as he gets ready to leave the Oval Office, Fitz gives a hell of a speech about how he has paid attention to Cy, how he noticed Cy’s mom, Helen, would send him books, and it would brighten Cy’s day. As much as I’m team #FitzAintShit, Fitz stepped it up in a real way in this episode and blew me away. Kudos to both men!
Cy is clearly touched by Fitz’s speech and says that he will take the job of chief of staff back, and then rattles off a list of demands, which includes firing Lizzie immediately. YAAAAAAAAS! Cy is back. I cannot wait to see what mess he’s going to be up to later this season. And the cool thing is that we get a sneak preview of the mess, although it’s not Cy’s. It’s Olitz’s. They’re planning on getting … married? But has the ink even dried on Fitz’s divorce papers yet?
Alrighty, what did you think of last night’s episode? Am I the only one who is cynical about this Olitz wedding?