Dear Mayor Bill DeBlasio and the New York City government at large:
Thank you in advance for reading my offer. I believe you might be in need of my services.
I would like to apply for a job that I believe is very vital to the safety of New York City. Although you’ll see on my resume that I do not have any prior experience working in security, or any other field, I assure you that there is no better man for the job of watching over the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons to make sure they don’t come to life.
If you give me this job, I will be on the clock from sunrise to sunset, watching over the parade balloons for any signs of sentience, ever vigilant, ready to intervene at the drop of a hat.
I’m sure you’d agree that this field of work requires a handful of skills that are hard to come by, and I assure you I possess all of these skills and more. This job is certainly not one to be taken lightly—God forbid it should go to someone who is prone to falling asleep on the job, giving the big Garfield or the big Scooby the perfect opportunity to become sentient and wreak their particular blend of havoc on the city. Allow me to share with you some of my qualifications.
I understand that by giving me this job, you’d be creating a brand new job that never existed before, and you might be more inclined to avoid spending the money that it would cost to pay me to watch over the balloons so that they don’t come alive and potentially destroy all of New York City. That would be a huge mistake. While it’s true that there has never been a recorded incident (a recorded incident) in which one of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons has come to life and lead a reign of terror on the unsuspecting city, knocking over buildings and gobbling up civilians in their vile jaws and stomping cars and buses like ants as an act of revenge for being made a spectacle of, let me illustrate a point: We didn’t know we needed firefighters until the first fire happened. Foresight is key here.
As an exercise, here is a list of some balloons that have been featured in past Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parades—ones which I suspect would be particularly vicious if they came to life—and how I would destroy them:
I hope that you understand how important it is that someone do this job, and that you don’t say to me what all of my closest friends and family members have said to me: “We get it—you’re not afraid of those big cartoon balloons. What are you trying to prove?”
Please reach out to me at your earliest convenience so that we can discuss this position further. I am available to start immediately.
P.S. I am not available to work holidays. Thanksgiving is particularly off-limits.
Lucas Gardner is a comedian and writer in New York City. His debut novel, Quietly, From Afar: A Dark-Comedy Cartoon-Western, is available now.
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