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Judd Apatow’s Carnegie Hall Debut: I’m ‘Terrible’ at Sex, But I’ve Been in a 3-Way

Judd Apatow and Friends performing at The New York Comedy Festival
Men and women are so different! Photo: Kevin Mazur/Getty Images

Trainwreck director Judd Apatow has been getting back into stand-up, and Saturday night, he took to the Carnegie Hall stage for Judd Apatow & Friends during the New York Comedy Festival. During his set, he talked about fatherhood, marriage, and, of course, sex. “It’s amazing I’m married because I’m terrible at sex — terrible at it,” he said. “I’m always between impotence and premature ejaculation. I could be ready anytime and you don’t know — you don’t know — that’s the fun part.” Then he launched into the differences between men and women when they have sex:

It is completely different for men than it is for women: It’s so much work. You never hear about a woman having a heart attack during sex. Men are dying all the time because we’re trying so hard. You never hear a woman go, Oh God, I hope I don’t fuck up this sex! If a woman has an orgasm, she could just go, I don’t care, I’ll have five more. When a guy has an orgasm, he’s both succeeding and failing at the same time — when a guy has an orgasm, he’s like, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, let’s watch Narcos! Please! I’m sorry! Because when men have sex, all they’re thinking the whole time is, I hope I don’t screw this up. They’re never fully relaxed. A guy only has two thoughts the whole time: Have to think I like it! and Oh, wait, I don’t like it! And then you toggle back and forth between the two: You’re like, Like it like it like it like it like it, like it less, like it less, like it less! Too much! Right there! Go! Go! That’s why male porn stars look like bananas, because they’re so stressed out. You never see a male porn star and think, I could go hang out with that guy … I could go see Argo with him.

Even though Apatow might find the entire process of sex stressful, he has been in a three-way. “The whole time it was happening, I was just like, this is a wonderful anecdote,” he said. But by the end of it, he realized his role in it.

“I don’t remember being humiliated,” he said. “I thought, Okay, I somewhat handled it, and then they kept going, and then I realized that they used me to get together because back in the ’90s there weren’t as many people just going for a lesbian experience — they needed a hairy Jew involved to create a bridge.”

Judd Apatow: I’m ‘Terrible’ at Sex