Time Lord Mariah Carey recently revealed her beauty secrets to People and, unsurprisingly, they are both sublime and ridiculous. “I think I have to remain eternally oblivious to age,” the actress (who, as People pointed out, is 45) said, “Honestly, when you put a number on it yourself, it’s just like, Why? Why do that?” Age is just one of many things that the singer and soon-to-be Hallmark Christmas movie director doesn’t acknowledge, including, famously, Jennifer Lopez (Carey recently told The Cut that she was being entirely honest in the linked GIF, which only intensifies the shade). There’s something heroic in Carey’s Tuck Everlasting-like defiance of time and tide, something inspiring in her glittery perfection — okay, not perfection; sometimes, Carey told People, she has bad hair days, during which relies on her 500 hours of beauty school, a temporal unit she is oddly not oblivous to. But just as someone should have warned Icarus about the sun, we do feel the need to caution Carey that things you do not acknowledge still exist. Though she may not want to admit it, time will continue its inexorable forward march. It will humble the greatest men. It will level the largest kingdoms. It may even briefly date Ben Affleck and host the American Music Awards.
It takes skill to shade entropy itself. Photo: ChinaFotoPress/2015 ChinaFotoPress