Friends, just when I was sad that Thanksgiving is over, I turned on The Real Housewives of Atlanta to see a drunken verbal fight that turns into a physical one, so it’s like Turkey Day never ended. Hooray!
In all seriousness, I was not expecting “Rocky Boat Horror Story” to be so … intense. Besides the soon-to-be-discussed altercation, there was much talk of Kim Fields’s sex life, a not-so-surprising development in the Porsha and Duke relationship, and more shade was thrown than when the Washington Redskins tweeted out a “Happy Thanksgiving” message like they don’t know why that tweet coming from them is trifling.gov/askasenator. Anyway, it’s pretty obvious that a lot went on during this episode, so let’s just dive right in and discuss it all, shall we?
We open with Kenya showing up unannounced at Sheree’s house. Guys and gals, this Kenya obsession with Sheree’s house business is like the “fetch” of Mean Girls. Why the hell are the producers and Kenya trying to make this non-plot one of the main ones of the season? Sheree’s crib isn’t done. Kenya’s crib isn’t done. And neither of them will ever be done because they are freaking Housewives, which means that by definition the people on these shows are writing checks they can’t cash. But I digress. Kenya shows up and sees Sheree mid-sweep and Kenya is like, “I wanna see the inside of your house,” and starts racing Sheree to the back, so she can get inside. N. O. See, this is why you have to snatch a woman’s wig like it’s the last damn pig in a blanket at your job’s holiday party. Playing or not, it’s super bizarre to see someone try to physically get into someone else’s home, especially when just a week ago, the two people were at each other’s throats. Thankfully, this “lemme see your house” game stops and the two seem to get along — only minor shade is being thrown, which is the best we can hope for at this point. Kenya invites Sheree to a party she’s throwing as a pick-me-up for Cynthia on Lake Lanier. A’ight, this is actually nice of Kenya and I’m not sure how to handle it. Sheree’s down to party, and then the two of them make a bet that whoever doesn’t move into their house by Christmas has to clean the other person’s crib. And I shoot myself in the vagina because that pain is better than hearing about these gahtdamn houses.
Porsha and Phaedra are at a sex shop, which is like a low-budget Frederick’s of Hollywood. Porsha wants some spicy lingerie to wear for her and Duke’s Skype sessions. Admittedly, some of the lingerie is actually kind of cute, but a lot of the bedazzled bras are giving me maj “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” vibes. I mean, who needs that many rhinestones up in their bed? One of them is liable to get unglued and end up somewhere it doesn’t belong. But different strokes for different folks. With her purchases made, Porsha heads home to Skype with bae. Except it doesn’t happen because Duke tells her he’s going to call, but then an hour passes and nothing. Um, yeah, it’s pretty awkward to have your boobs propped up like an iPhone display at the Verizon store only to have the guy you like not be interested. Seeing the writing on the wall, Porsha calls Phaedra and says she’s trying too hard to make this relationship work. Phae Phae co-signs, being the good friend she is, and says Duke is not the one. And folks, that is how “The Ballad of Porsha and Duke” ends.
Cynthia comes over to visit Kandi, who, per doctor’s orders, is working from home. Still, Cyn thinks that Kandi should be working less and that’s when Kandi is like, “Todd and I want to run a restaurant, so we put in a bid for a building.” Uhhhhh, okay. I hope the baby will survive Kandi’s workaholic ways. The conversation turns to Cynthia’s marriage. She says she might have to get out of it if this last attempt doesn’t work, to which Kandi responds, “Drama sucks, but you don’t want grow old and lonely.” YES, BECAUSE THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A WOMAN IS THAT SHE IS SINGLE. NEVER MIND BEING IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE WITH A DUDE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE BEHAVING INAPPROPRIATELY WITH WOMEN WHEN HE IS OUT OF TOWN. THE TRUE TRAGEDY IS NOT HAVING SOMEONE TO SHARE GOLD BOND POWDER WITH. How can Kandi be such a feminist and write girl-power anthems, then say some dumb mess like this? Screw the patriarchy for screwing up people’s brains, y’all. Moving on.
Phaedra and Kim’s children have a play date at Phae’s house and they have the opposite of the Kandi and Cynthia’s conversation:
Kim realizes she’s lost herself in her marriage and motherhood. Aww. This is something that a lot of women go through and I feel like Phae will be the perfect person to help bring Kim back to life. The two are clearly hitting it off and they vow to bring class back to Atlanta. LOL times two. Does Kim know what show she is on? RHOA is not about class; it’s about grown black women fighting because that’s what Harriet Tubman wanted when she led slaves on the Underground Railroad.
It’s the day of the boat party. Cynthia invites her friend Tammy, who Porsha later says looks like Miley Cyrus, and Kenya calls her a “stray” because of course she does. Once Kenya learns that Tammy is friends with Sheree’s ex-husband, Kenya warms up, starts digging for information, and tries to get Tammy to say that Sheree is a gold digger. OMG! Across town, we see a party bus picking up the other ladies. Kim is hitting it off with Kandi. Kim wants to spice up her sex life and we learn that she doesn’t wear underwear! I feel like half the battle when it comes to sex is getting in the mood to take off your Target undies for the same old tired peen you’ve been banging for years. If Kim is going commando, then what’s the problem? We don’t find out because Porsha and Shamea jump in the van and the four women immediately talk about Cynthia’s relationship. Porsha is #TeamCynthiaAndPeterStayTogether. Sigh. Look, if I didn’t have an expensive weave in my head, I’d be ripping it out of my head. Peter is trash and his marriage needs to die. I really wish everyone would stop telling Cynthia otherwise.
Everyone arrives at the boat and things fall apart instantly. Let us count the ways:
(1) Kenya makes it known to everyone that she didn’t invite Shamea and doesn’t want her there. How does she make this known? By saying to Porsha in front of everyone, “When you’re invited to a party, you don’t invite other people.” Of course this is true, but everyone is already on the damn boat, so maybe just send that detail in a Gchat instead of when you’re mere inches away from the wig glue of the person you’re trying to embarrass.
(2) At the drinks-and-pedicure portion of the party, Kenya tells Tammy that she should go first because she has jacked-up ballerina feet.
(3) Somehow we end up on the topic of people’s ages. Kenya goes, “KIM IS FIFTY!” Kim responds with a “WHAT? I’m 46,” and then in the talking head, she says that she’s only a few months older than Kenya, so girl, bye.
(4) Kenya gathers all the women around. She explains that the real reason they’re all there: “Cynthia is having a tough time in her marriage and since I’m one of her best friends —”
First of all, how did Kenya come to the conclusion that she is Cynthia’s best friend? Secondly, why would she claim her like that in front of everyone? That’s like when you’ve been on a couple dates with someone and then they change their status on Facebook to “In a Relationship.” When you see that, you don’t go, “Aww.” You’re like, “With who? Because it damn sure ain’t me.” Kenya is equal parts messy (dropping the best-friend line to show that she’s a better friend to Cynthia than the other ladies are) and thirsty (claiming someone as their best friend when the friendship is shorter than the length of time Breaking Bad was on the air). Thankfully, Cynthia ignores this trash and just as Sheree shows up, Cyn says the day should not be about her. Once again, Sheree and Kenya are nice to each other and it’s hella weird. Back to the list of how the boat party was a train wreck.
(5) Tammy tells Kandi that she and her son should work together. Apparently, he’s a rapper who has a song out that no one knows. Probably because it sounds like a reject from the Empire soundtrack.
(5a) Tammy then says they should set up a meeting, so Kandi can sign him. Mind you, a mere 15 seconds prior to this statement, she didn’t even know that Kandi had a label because Google doesn’t exist.
(5b) Tammy, who is black, describes her husband as white … like Nazi white. Everyone pretty much reacts to this weird-as-hell description the way I do when I order something extremely healthy and a frenemy goes, “Oh, but I thought you were on a diet.”
[in my Rihanna voice] Bitch betta let me eat my carbs/You should know me well enough. Moving on.
So Kim finishes her pedi and what does she try to do? Sit in a corner, read a book, and eat some trail mix. Okay, that is a sad mess that would be in the first five minutes of a Hallmark Movie Channel film called Santa, Send Me a Man or a Vibrator to Clear Out the Cobwebs That Are Currently Over My Vajeen. Kenya walks over and throws the snacks off the boat and then the ladies (minus Kim and Kandi) do shots. Honestly, I’d rather eat some Planters peanuts and read some an AARP magazine than do multiple shots on a speeding boat with a crew of people who are prone to fight. But everything seems to be going fine — until Kenya’s product launch party comes up. Kenya mentions how Shamea is rude, which only make Shamea ruder because that’s how she rolls, so Kenya goes to get the captain to escort her off the boat. Yikes. Porsha tells Cynthia to go handle her “best friend.” Cynthia says there are other best friends who have also done questionable things and then Porsha is like, “Who, bitch?” And that sets Cynthia off. Porsha says she was just playing, which I believe, but Cynthia does not for some reason. Normally, I would say it’s because the fight is fake, but honestly, Cyn is in so much pain about Peter, it seemed like she wanted to lash out at the first person she could. Kim tries to diffuse the argument by saying to Cynthia, “Let me read to you.” Why is Kim acting like she’s Viola Davis and Cyn is one of those white babies in The Help who needs the guidance of a non-threatening negro? L to the M to the A to the O.
The ladies eventually convince Porsha to apologize to Cyn just smooth things over. Porsha goes over to Cynthia and says she doesn’t know what happened. They’re talking over each other. No one is listening and now this non-problem is a very big problem. Cyn demands that unless Porsha is going to give a real apology, she needs to walk away. Porsha then calls her fake, the two call each other bitches, then they put their hands on each other, and you guessed it. We see “TO BE CONTINUED” on our TV screens. Going by the screams we hear, I’m going to assume that someone in this fight got really jacked up. My money is on Porsha winning the showdown because we all have seen her do this:
Cynthia picked the wrong person, y’all.
All righty, what did you think of last night’s episode? Anyone surprised by how Cynthia went from 0 to 100 over the word bitch?