#Gladiators, last night’s episode of Scandal had me like Law & Order: SVU’s Detectives Benson and Tutuola, because I was straight-up putting out an APB for a missing white lady. Where the heck was Mellie?! After “Get Out of Jail, Free” finally convinced me to be on #TeamMellie/#TeamWhiteWomanRage/#TeamAnnTaylorLoft, she was nowhere to be found! I mean, what the heck was she doing? Playing spades with Rowan and some other old black people? Listening to Adele’s “Hello” on the repeat while sobbing on the shower floor? Stabbing a Fitz voodoo doll with a pin so that he gets a charley horse when he’s about to hit Liv with that smooth stroke? Seems like we’re not going to find out until next week’s episode, which ended up being fine for me because this week’s episode turned out to be pretty darn good. “Even the Devil Deserves a Second Chance” had an unexpected sexy hookup, a juicy secret that is tearing Olivia apart, and a personality change in someone I always thought would never go over to the dark side. There is so much to discuss, so let’s just dive right in.
We open with Fitz giving a press conference about how he’s happy to return to focusing on his job, giving big ups to people who supported him, and then throwing in a quick “sowwie” to Mellie for everything that happened. This fool. He is a mess. Saying you’re sorry after humiliating your ex-wife in front of the free world is like someone handing you a Band-Aid after your head got blown off with a sawed-off shotgun. Completely pointless, but B-minus for effort, I guess. After the press conference he goes back to the White House, and he and some people are celebrating. During this celebration, Olitz are booed up, and … it’s … kind … of … cute? I’m chalking up these warm feels of mine to the fact that I am recently single and it’s cuffing season. The only bae I have right now is my Apple TV remote control, which sleeps on the other pillow in my bed. ANYWAY! Olitz aren’t the only baes in the White House. VP Susan is trying to mack on David, and I kind of dig it. She’s a bit of a goof, and he’s a do-gooder, so I feel like if they got together, they would open a pet rescue and Sarah McLachlan would sing at the opening. Back to Olitz. Their cute moment is interrupted when Cy tells them and Abby that Rowan is free. Fitz looks distraught and Liv is pretending like she didn’t know this information. Welp! When Fitz learns the truth, he is going throw out all her cocoa butter and then scratch her knees and elbows, so get used to a life of ashiness, Liv!
Liv arrives home, and Jake is sitting on her couch in the dark, drunk. He knows that Liv is the one behind Rowan’s escape, so Jake is like, “Honey, sit down because I want to read you a bedtime story. Here it goes: You. Are. A. Goofy. Heaux. End of book!” And I can’t blame him because what Liv did was reckless. Normally, she puts on a white hat, but in this case, freeing her dad was purely a selfish move that is going to put the Republic in danger sooner or later. Furthermore, Rowan killed Elise (I don’t care; but Jake the Bae is sad, I’m sad), which, for some reason, surprises her. How?! I mean, for someone who is so unbelievably smart in her profession, she behaves like an absolute moron when it comes to the men in her life. What did she think Rowan was going to do when he was freed? Live a quiet life where he writes poems about Sojourner Truth? Killing people is what her dad does. Anyway, she gives Jake a garbage apology and then demands he leave her apartment after he says she’s power-hungry and dangerous. #FACTS. He gets up to leave and kisses her, and it’s a kiss that basically says he’s done with her forever. Really sad that this is how Olake ends forever, but it makes sense.
Turns out that Jake is not the only person she’s pissing off. Huck is livid that Rowan is out, as he’s scared that B613 is going to start that back up (no one wants that! Especially the Scandie viewers). Cy is also angry because Liv is now always in the Oval Office like she doesn’t have an office of her own with central air. Seriously, it’s like when your roommate gets a bae and the bae is always at your apartment, eating your hummus and deleting programs off your DVR to make room to record Chopped. And Liv really needs to get focused here because her case of the week is a doozy!
Fitz just awarded a medal of something important to Frank Holland, a.k.a. the dad from Boy Meets World, for his contribution as a prolific writer and a champion of women. Frank launched the careers of many female writers, and his work and fierce devotion to feminism helped inspire Abby to leave her husband. Aww, right? NOPE! Because Liv takes on one of his former students named Hannah, who claims that he raped her and that’s why she was expelled from school. Damn, this plot is ripped straight from the headlines. Oof. So Liv decides to sit down with him, and he’s like, “Oh, I think I remember her. She dropped my class, if I’m not mistaken.” Mm-hmm. He continues by having his wife co-sign that Hannah did come to their house, but only because he needed to confront her about plagiarizing an assignment:
First of all, Frank needs to STFU with the “trying” to remember mess. He knows damn well who Hannah is from the jump, and why she dropped his class. Second, teachers don’t need to be inviting their students over to their house to talk about schoolwork. That is completely inappropriate. If your student can identify your fresh linens in a police lineup and tell the officer that they were most likely purchased at CB2, the teacher/student relationship is far too personal. If you have a problem with your student, you send those concerns in an email, or in a handwritten letter that is sent via Pony Express. Basically, I’m sure this dude is not only unprofessional but guilty; unfortunately, Liv isn’t. In fact, she’s mad at Hannah for withholding information about the plagiarism and almost drops her because of it. Look, I get that Hannah messed up by not revealing this factoid, but that is no reason for Liv to snap at a rape victim. This is so unlike Liv that I’m just going to assume she’s not acting like herself because of the whole Rowan thing BECAUSE SHE STILL HASN’T TOLD FITZ THAT SHE’S THE REASON ROWAN AND SECRET SERVICE TOM ARE FREE.
I’m sorry. This is so ridiculous. This is like Defiance 2.0! How does she think this massive secret is not going to bite her in the ass? Argh! Anyway, she’s in the Oval Office when Jake gives Fitz the update that Papa Pope is still missing. Jake then says the plan is to find and kill him. LMAO. I just burned about 47 calories from laughing. I love Jake the Bae, but everybody in that goddamn Oval Office know he ain’t got the skills to kill Rowan. Still, Liv takes this threat seriously, and it seems like she doesn’t want him dead? I’m confused, and she clearly must be because last season she pulled a gun on her dad like she was in Boyz n the Hood and now she’s trying to be a little bit protective of him. #MakeUpYourMind.
Meanwhile, OPA is on the streets talking to a number of Frank’s female students. He basically Cosby’d all of them and raped them. I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER, BUT REAL QUICK, I NEED TO HAVE AN ASIDE BECAUSE SHONDA LYNN RHIMES HAS PROVED YET AGAIN THAT IF YOU ARE TRIFLING, SHE WILL DRAG YOUR ASS LIKE YOU’RE ALUMINUM CANS ON THE BACK OF A MOVING WEDDING CAR. Like, we know that Bill and Camille Cosby were probably chilling in the cut and started watching Scandal, excited to see where this Mellie/Rowan story line was going to go. Then, 20 minutes into the episode, they were like:
Yes, Bill, this episode is about your disgusting self. And that is why I’m forever with Shonda, no matter how laughably crazy her shows get, because at the end of the day, she is #YesAllWomen, and she will disrespect any fool who is not about that life or that hashtag, and then drink a Pumpkin Spice Latte an intern bought her. Back to the recap.
Liv confronts Mr. and Mrs. Holland with the news that he had been drugging his students (the drugs were from his wife’s prescription). At first, Mrs. Holland defends her hubby, and I’m like, “No, baby, no! Please don’t be ride-or-die for this guy. You’re still cute, and you have an AARP card. You have a future ahead of you.” Then things get real crazy. Frank goes to defend himself, and his wife snaps her fingers and he shuts up. It turns out she not only knew that he’s a serial rapist (WHAT?), but she was supplying him with the drugs so he could rape with ease (DA?) because she wants to protect his legacy as a man who has helped women (FUCK?). At least the ones he didn’t sexually assault. This is batshit crazy, and I don’t even know what to write. They’re horrible people, and Mrs. Holland says that no one will believe the women because ladies are always throwing themselves at professors. Damn.
Back at the White House, Lizzie tells Abby that she is going on Sally Langston’s show to trash Fitz and the WH. She says the only way she will not do it is if she gets a high-level job at the White House. When Cy learns of this, he’s not having it, so he has David Rosen try to shut this chica down. David attempts to. I mean, he cusses her out a little bit and asserts his power, but the problem is that he doesn’t have any legal jurisdiction to get Lizzie to keep her mouth shut. The plan fails, and Cy tells Olitz as much. Looks like they’re screwed! Except they aren’t because Lizzie goes on Sally’s show and defends Fitz! Why? Because Olitz hired her to be VP Susan’s new chief of staff. Poor Cy! Not only is his enemy back in the White House, but he is completely out of the decision-making process, and it looks like Liv is now the one bending Fitz’s ear.
Speaking of Lizzie, she goes back to David’s office to get her laptop now that she is an official White House employee again. They are rude to each other, as per usual, until it’s clear there is some sexual tension going on. He goes on and on about how much he hates her, and then admits he likes her and they kiss. She then has him sit down, and she whispers, “I’m not wearing panties,” and sits on top of him. Whoa! This is so hot, but I hate Lizzie! I mean, on one hand, I’m like, “Ellen DeGeneres, come get your girl because she’s acting up,” but on the other, I like women who are in charge of their sexuality, so I’m also like, “Ellen, go sit your ass down and listen to Pharrell’s ‘Happy’ because there is nothing for you to see here.” I’m so torn, y’all! But I think I officially like Lizzie for a moment! She legit got her vajeen out in the cool Washington, D.C., air like she’s hanging laundry out to dry in her backyard. Unfortunately, Susan shows up with some wine coolers for her and David. After waiting a few minutes to go into his office, she leaves the beverage with his assistant and bounces. Aww! Susan! So sad, and I know a lot of people are bummed, but honestly, this hookup is what David should be doing. Smash all the trifling people who have doctorates in turning folks out, and then settle down with wife Susan. It’ll all be okay, y’all. What David and Lizzie have is purely physical. Moving on.
Olivia rightfully decides to ruin Frank’s life by having all his victims crash his reading. Both he and his wife are shocked. Good! Go die in a fire somewhere, ya monsters. After Olivia successfully destroys Frank, she returns to the White House. Cy confronts her. He sees straight through her garbage. He is completely on the outside now, and he realizes that she is running the WH. She is in Fitz’s ear, and he will do whatever she says. She has the power, not Fitz. She goes, “You don’t get it. This is what a relationship looks like.” Her saying that has me in the corner of my couch like:
O-LIVIA, girl. GIRL. GIRL. GUUUUUUUUUURL. I’mma need you to borrow my Acuvue contact lenses so you can take a real good look at your damn life. You are the queen of dysfunctional relationships, and your boo-ship with Fitz is the epitome of chopped and screwed up. You cannot be all high and mighty when you are out in these streets lying to your boyfriend, trying to do his job, and up until 17 minutes ago were calling your ex on the regular so he would assure you that you are not a Looney Tunes buffoon. What you and Fitz have is not the definition of a good relationship. It is as toxic as rat poison, so please, either go sit your silly behind down somewhere OR go find your daddy, who is no doubt plotting to kill every white man you ever boned.
So Liv storms away and goes to see Fitz in the Oval Office. She looks terrified and pours a drink. I think this is it! She’s finally going to tell him the truth. Oh. She starts barking orders, and he grabs a notepad and starts taking notes. LOL.gov. Y’all, I’m calling Liz’s vajeen David Blaine because it has Fitz hypnotized, and she is acting like the president now and not him. Wow. Hmm. I’m not so sure about this.
Here’s why this Lady Macbeth development has me concerned. Liv is the ONE character on Scandal whom I never had periods of heavy dislike or hatred of. Everyone else — Fitz (obvs), Jake the Bae (we had growing pains), Cy, Lizzie, Mellie, David, Quinn, Secret Service Tom, etc. — have all royally pissed me off, except Liv. Even when Liv did supremely goofy heaux stuff, I was willing to give it a pass, but I really feel like her character is becoming the parts of Mellie that I used to hate like two years ago. The hard-core manipulation, the blatant lying, the self-serving crap. I’m not sure that making Liv this evil is the right call here, even though I think it will be interesting. I just really don’t want this to be Defiance all over again. Been there, done that!
Alrighty, what did you think of last night’s episode? Anyone else wary of this new and quasi-evil Liv?