The Vampire Diaries Recap: The Train to Crazy Town

The Vampire Diaries

Live Through This
Season 7 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating 5 stars
Live Through This

The Vampire Diaries

Live Through This
Season 7 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating 5 stars
Kat Graham as Bonnie. Photo: Eli Joshua/THE CW

Here’s my question of the week: Is TVD about to rename itself Zombies Invade Mystic Falls? That Phoenix Stone is bad news, but after last week’s episode, I had a feeling things were about to get much, much worse. Let’s see if I was right.

Three years from now: Bonnie looks sad. (To be fair, everyone in our gang looks sad three years from now, but this is a particularly rough-looking sadness.) Minus 10.

“I made a mistake, and I lost someone I loved.” Oh, no. I’m betting that mistake rhymes with Beenix Moan. Minus 4.

Bonnie’s in group therapy? To be honest, I’m not sure how any of them have survived this long without a rehab stint … but on the other hand, for Bonnie to actually be there, things must be rock-bottom. Minus 15.

“What are you doing here?”
“It’s bad out there, love. You can’t hide in here forever.”
I was hearing rumors about this Bonnie/Enzo pairing, and while it came out of left field … that kiss was a thing I enjoyed. Plus 8.

“Give everyone a B-plus.” Is every professor in America a vampire-hunter? Does this explain all grade inflation?

Jo is awake! This makes me extremely nervous. Minus 5.

STEROLINE, THE MORNING AFTER!! (During which we are treated to a rare glimpse of Stefan’s biceps. And let us say: Amen.) Plus 30.

“I’m so happy lying here and doing nothing, listening to you breathe.” Loving how different Steroline is from Stelena: Elena could have lounged in bed all day with Stefan as they stared into each other’s eyes … but let’s face it, that is so 2009. Caroline is a 2015 gal with things to do and to-do lists to make. And Stefan knows (loves) that about her. Plus 18.

“Is there a reason you keep barging into my girlfriend’s dorm room …” Girlfriend. He said it again! Obligatory plus 100 whenever he says “girlfriend.”

Caroline trying so hard not to be jealous of the impending meet up with “V-card Valerie” is the most adorable thing since Stefan’s teasing her two minutes ago. Plus 6.

Here’s why I like Lily and Julian as TVD’s villains: because there is literally NOTHING that I like about them. Klaus, Silas, and Kai had soft spots. But Lily is the worst, and if she loves Julian that much, I’m already predicting he’s the worse worst. So plus 10 for giving us villains I am so looking forward to seeing heart-snatched by Team Salvatore!

We get a Beau mention! When are we getting the backstory for my favorite heretic? I’m excited already. Plus 8.

“Heretic malarkey.” It’s funny because the actor’s last name is actually Malarkey. I LOL’d. Plus 5.

“Mrs. Cuddles is starting to feel sorry for me, see how she’s judging me?” Don’t joke, Bonnie. This is TVD. The next thing we know, Mrs. Cuddles will come to life and try to eat your heart for insulting her opinions.

Nice choice of opening lyric for this scene: “I can’t get over the sex we had.” I get the feeling that will soon be very true for Valerie and Stefan.

Damon, on Stefan’s heartbreak diary entries: “Yes, I read them, your hiding places were always crap.” Despite being however many years old they are by now, Team Salvatore will always be teenagers at heart. (Or at least Damon will.) Plus 6.

Like Oscar, Jo has no memory of anything — who she was, how she died, what food she likes … anyone remember that movie The Vow? Torture, but with a happy ending? Can a girl hope?

“Don’t worry Care Bear, I have issued a no-hanky-panky zone.” Damon, on behalf of us all: Thank you. Plus 15.

“Julian’s dead, he’s been dead since 1903.” Color me confused. We are killing an already-dead vampire?

The Bonnie/Enzo banter sizzled a bit! Look, I want Bonnie to have a true-love romance just like everyone else on this show does. But right now, her options are limited — and I kind of like throwing Enzo into the mix, to give his journey an interesting arc. How these two come together in a way that results in that run-and-jump kiss three years from now, I have no clue, but I’m excited to see it happen. Plus 9.

Lily wants to resurrect Julian with the Phoenix Stone … and cue my “a-ha” moment: The stone doesn’t resurrect people. It stores souls, and unless you do some special witchy-woo-woo, any old vamp soul can end up in any rando body. Very clever, show! I love when you’re clever. Plus 6.

“We made a tiny mistake, and that’s not his wife.” Ugh, I hadn’t considered this part. Poor Alaric. Minus 5. (Also … if that’s not Jo and they don’t fall back in love … where do those future twins come from?)

Valerie tries to burn Julian’s body … but she gets burned by Nora and Mary Louise. (Girls, I liked you after last week, and now you go and do this! Minus 12.)

“Who do you think gave Kai the idea to put Elena in that sleeping coma?” Can’t wait until Damon kills Lily. Minus 100.

“Whatever you’re thinking, we’re not gonna do that.” Stef, you know I love your hero hair, but this time, I’m with Damon: Lily needs to die. Minus 5.

Stake 2.0 for Oscar. Sad, he was my second favorite heretic! Minus 4.

The struggle is real, everyone. I want to hate Valerie because she came out of nowhere and took Stefan’s V-card one year before he met Katherine, and now she’s back and going to ruin Steroline … but I can’t. Because what happened to her is utterly horrible, and Stefan’s face when he hears the truth is devastating. So I am hanging up my hate hat. She deserves happiness.

“Call it what you will, devotion, or control … I call it love.” Lily, you need to go grab a dictionary right now and look up the word feminism. Then look up pathetic, and don’t be surprised to find your face there. Minus 20.

Alaric is the sweetest man for helping Not Jo instead of simply demanding she be removed from Jo’s body. Plus 13. (That being said, I hope we get Real Jo back soon, and I have now received the answer to my question of the week, which is: no zombies. Whew. Plus 5.)

This is going to come back and bite him in the ass, but I get why Stefan is standing Caroline up tonight. “I’m sad that something I could have had was taken away from me. I want to kill Julian for what he did to you. And I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.”

It wouldn’t be drama without obstacles, kids. Stefan’s got to grieve, and that’s rough. He would have been a great dad. Minus 20. (But plus all the points for Paul Wesley’s acting here, which is raw and beautiful.)

“Funny how one event can change the outcome of your entire life,” says Valerie, echoing Bonnie’s statement from the flash forward. Hmm … I have a feeling an even bigger event is coming.

Julian has the same scar as Beau and Future Stefan. I think I have my new question of the week: WHAT is that damn scar, and why am I so afraid of it?

Julian resurrected. Minus infinity points.

“Glad to see you’ve boarded this train to crazy town, Bonnie Bennett.” Damon and Bonnie, taking shots and plotting revenge. I am also onboard this crazy-town train, as long as the last stop is Kill Lily. Plus 15.

Well, we got some answers this episode: Bonnie ends up with Enzo, Stefan is Valerie’s revenge champion, and Jo is definitely not a zombie. Until next week, I’ll be plotting Julian’s death on Twitter at @Talkativetara.

The Vampire Diaries Recap: Train to Crazy Town