You may have heard that the Force will be awakening on December 18. To provide an outlet for our excitement, we’ve assembled another Vulture Advent Calendar — in this case, 25 Star Wars–themed stories, one per day until Christmas. None of them will involve midi-chlorians.
“Creativity is a beautiful thing” is what first-grade teachers tell parents before saying, “But Kenneth needs to stop smearing carrot on his classmates.” And it’s also the kind of thing that you can probably start telling Star Wars fans, who, in the great spirit of fandom, have put together some delightfully strange tributes to the multi-billion-dollar franchise, because licensed Star Wars merchandise just wasn’t insane enough. Sure, you might glance around and find a few cool Star Wars lunch boxes on Etsy, or maybe a fun poster print, but they haven’t embraced the true insanity of the site’s appeal, the true power of the crafty side. Here are 30 of the most insane Star Wars examples of fan … well, creativity.
1. Best Interpretation of “Edgy”
Star Wars Coffee Ear Plugs, $10.49
This is what all the coolest baristas are wearing to midnight showings on December 18. You too can be a regular Princess Latte.
2. Most All-Purpose
Star Wars CAT-CAT cat card, $6
Condolences, birthdays, congratulations to the Imperial Army for successful taking the rebel base at Hoth — what occasion doesn’t warrant the use of a CAT-CAT greeting card?
4. Most Infuriating
Live Long and Prosper Sci-Fi Mash-Up, $2.50
To quote Captain Malcolm Reynolds, “So say we all.”
5. Most Needlessly Expensive
Lego BB-8 Mosaic, $1,241.64
“What is it, Daddy?”
“BB-8 made out of Legos.”
“Can we take it apart?”
6. Most Yoked
There Is Another, $10
This is the subject of my gender-studies thesis, “Leia, Madonna, and Whore.”
7. For When You Want to Role-Play, But Only in a Very General Sense
Star Wars R2-D2 and C-3PO Nipple Pasties, $20
Perfect if you were planning on starting a career as a Star Wars–themed burlesque dancer named Oola-la.
8. Hardest to Explain
Star Wars: Episode IV Characters, $1.99
“See, the one on the top left is R2-D2, and then it’s C-3PO, and then … one of those Jawa things? No, wait — a Tusken Raider? No, wait …”
9. Also Yoked
Stormtrooper Star Wars Inspired Workout Tank Top, $13.99
This is the subject of my other gender-studies thesis, “Plastoid Armor and Male Fragility.”
10. Second-Most Needlessly Expensive
Custom Barbie Stormtrooper, $450
Have you seen Toy Story? Given a Stormtrooper action figure and any Barbie doll, the average child will take about five minutes to make this. Two if the toys in question belong to someone else.
11. Oddly Specific and Already Famous
Handmade Felt Bearded Dragon Princess Leia Costume With Hair and Lightsaber, $13
Some Etsy items are so purely, wonderfully specific that they become events in their own right. This made it into a Midnight segment on absurd Etsy products, so we cannot take credit for the discovery. But we do, however, want to celebrate it nonetheless.
12. For the Space Lumbersexual
Boba Fett Star Wars Wood Burning Stove, $517.79
The seller would like you to know that “I have not coated the steel. Over time it will become rusty adding to its rugged beauty.”
13. Most Vicious
Logray Ewok Mask, $259
Hang enough of these decapitated Ewok heads around your household as a warning to others who might cross you, and we guarantee those little demons will never attack your precious Death Star’s shield generator again.
15. For the Candle Blogger in Your Life
Star Wars Endor Soy Candle, $8
Also useful for luring Ewoks into a set of carefully laid traps if you’re into that approach to Ewok-hunting.
16. Pure Nightmare Fuel
Star Wars Darth Vader Reveals Anakin Skywalker, $1,200
Get revenge on the children who took apart your BB-8 Lego mosaic.
17. Most Pastoral
Dewback Springtime, $200
Just as Roman soldiers were promised a plot of land after service to the Empire and American soldiers got the perks of the GI Bill, Stormtroopers get a cottage on one of those suburb planets and, if they’ve done distinguished service, a bonus Dewback.
18. Most Likely to Be the Cover of My Collection of Personal Essays
Happy Death by Coffee, $500
Working titles include: Real Life: It’s a Trap!, The Time I Told My Parents I Wanted a Millennium Falcon Lego Set Instead of an 8th Birthday Party and Why That Was the Right Decision, and Is He Hot, or Did He Just Laugh at My Ewok Joke?
Han Solo and Leia Organa Wedding, $39
Sure, this imitation lithograph print is mildly creepy now, but just wait until, late one night, you briefly glance at the picture and see Jar Jar Binks in 1800s clothing in the background.
Star Wars Framed Mini Figures Han & Leia Made From Lego, $62.32
Han’s famous line is an objectively terrible way to respond to an “I love you,” but somehow, we can’t help but awwwww.
21. Most Internet (Tumblr edition)
Jedi Snow White, $400
Stranded in wilderness, given life advice from people shorter than they are, hunted by their own parental figures — Snow White and Luke Skywalker have a ton in common.
22. Most Internet (Reddit edition)
War Machine, $875
“Wait, what do you mean, you have to go? We were having such a nice Tinder date! Is it something I said? Can I at least text you sometime?”
23. Most Grimly Seasonal
Star Wars Christmas Cards, $12
Congratulations: Santa Claus, Star Wars, and cutting open an animal carcass to stay alive are three things you associate now.
24. Most Reasonably Expensive:
Star Wars Original One-Sheet Movie Poster (1977), $1,499
Tell your roommates you aren’t paying the rent this month, Star Wars is more important. Get new roommates if they don’t understand.
25. Most Obvious Metaphor
Millennium Falcon Violin, $700
Remember that Mad Men episode where Ken Cosgrove writes a story about a gold violin that’s beautiful but impossible to play? This is the Star Wars version of that. Except instead of being a metaphor for the confines of 1960s gender roles, it’s a metaphor for the ways in which Hollywood tentpoles never satisfy their obsessive fandoms — yes, definitely that.
26. Most Kurosawa
Demon Tiger Samuraitrooper Helmet, $725
Have you seen the video essay that compares Star Wars to Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress? We guarantee that whoever has bought this “Samuraitrooper” helmet has. And that can explain the midcentury Japanese director’s influences on George Lucas in great detail. You won’t even have to ask.
28. Most Christensen
Anakin Skywalker, $15
Because who hasn’t wanted 8” by 12” of glorious Padawan rattail?
29. Best Way to Start Early
Star Wars Baby Hat Yoda, $34.95
Doomed to a life in the Star Wars universe, this child is.
30. Most Etsy
Darth Vader Star Wars Art Print, $15
It’s a perfect distillation of two of the most easily available pop-culture signifiers known to our culture, but really, it’s possible this painting only exists so that we can make this incredibly lazy joke: That’s no moon … river!