Despite her Oscar-winning comeback in The Canyons, Lindsay Lohan is still pretty much a Hollywood punch line; so, presumably, no one thought it was a big deal when Jennifer Lawrence said, “I get Lindsay Lohan–grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol,” on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert earlier this week. Well, at least everyone without the surname Lohan found it innocuous. Aliana “Ali” Lohan, Lindsay’s younger sister, tweeted at Lawrence: “I never breathe life into negativity but I stand by my family. Disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence. You lost a fan.” She also included her sister’s handle in the tweet, so Lindsay, who has nearly 9 million more followers, could bring it to the media’s attention. Aliana later deleted the tweet and amended it:
Still, however, the damage had been done. Lindsay found the tweet and responded to Lawrence with her own special brand of clapback: a Maya Angelou poem.
You might wonder: How does Lindsay know who Maya Angelou is? Did someone refer her to this poem? Well, what I like to believe is maybe Lindsay actually uses Angelou poems as weapons. Instead of responding with a GIF, an emoji, or a terse “You mad?” she opts to keep Angelou poems in her arsenal for potential celebrity feuds. After all, “Still I Rise” is hardly the only useful Angelou poem for shutting down an opponent.
Lindsay Lohan vs. Paris Hilton
When you have a falling out with a best friend and she cackles at your boyfriend calling you a “fire crotch,” insulting your female body to a slew of paparazzi, the best response is:
Phenomenal woman, That’s me.
Men themselves have wondered What they see in me.
They try so much But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
Lindsay Lohan vs. James G. Robinson
When you’re always sick and late for work on the set of Georgia Rule and the CEO of Morgan Creek Productions drafts you a stern letter calling you irresponsible, the best response is:
Make room for me
To lead and follow you
Beyond this rage of poetry.
Lindsay Lohan vs. Hilary Duff
When you’re fighting with another Disney star over Aaron Carter, of all people, the best response is:
Young men sharp as mustard.
Men are always Going somewhere.
Lindsay Lohan vs. Michael Lohan
When your father won’t mind his own business and keeps talking about you in the press, the best response is … just to buy him a book of Angelou poems because you know Michael Lohan can’t afford it otherwise.
Lindsay Lohan vs. Gwyneth Paltrow and Glee
When Gwyneth Paltrow’s character on Glee makes a quip about you being “crazy” and constantly in rehab, the best response is to turn the other cheek, but also to understand that she’s being held prisoner on a Ryan Murphy set and it’s a cry for help.
The caged bird sings
With a fearful trill
Of things unknown
But longed for still
And his tune is heard
On the distant hill
For the caged bird
Sings of freedom.
—”I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”