Well, boo faces, this episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta was … interesting. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not convinced that the Cynthia-Porsha showdown needed to be divided into two sections. While last week’s episode was pretty fantastic, “Where’s the Love Boat” seemed a little ho-hum. I know the whole show is silly, but because this episode was anticlimactic, RHOA seemed sillier than usual. And in these moments, I start to realize how valuable NeNe is to the show. Sure, she causes 76 percent of the drama, but she is by far the funniest castmember. (Phaedra is a close second.) Miss Leakes’s hilarious one-liners are enough to elevate an average episode to a pretty good one. Without her, we end up with what we saw last night: something that could have been summed up in a Gchat because not much happened. The fight happens, everyone talks about the fight, then there are one-on-one conversations about the fight, and then a group discussion about the fight, which then leads to another one-on-one chat. Snoozefest.com, y’all. Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh here, so let’s talk about it and see where you stand.
We pick up right where we left off last week: Cynthia’s life is the equivalent of a collapsed Jenga tower, so when Porsha playfully calls her a bitch, things go reeeeeeeeeal south. As in, Cynthia kicks Porsha in the stomach and vajeen. WHOA! One, isn’t Cynthia all about people NOT coming to blows? Now she’s pulling a Chun Li in Street Fighter and kicking folks? Cyn is wearing a flat, open-toe sandal from Zappos, but still, that’s a very sensitive place to target. I’ve been #TeamCynthia this whole season, but she acted a doggone fool, folks. Anyway, two camera guys pin Porsha down to stop the fight, which I will never understand because Cynthia is the one who got in shots. Cynthia is always the victim and Porsha is always labeled the cray-cray one, so that’s what happens. #Eyeroll.
Back to the action. Kandi’s hella-pregnant behind tries to go over and diffuse the situation. Thankfully, Sheree and Kenya tell her to sit down. Shamea is crying. Cynthia tells the rest of the girls what happened and says she’s not about violence. Cut to me reacting to this nonsense the same way I do when I put down a card for incidentals at a hotel and I’m not sure I have enough money on it:
Kenya tells the captain to kick Shamea and Porsha off the boat. Kim, meanwhile, is fed all the way up and calls the entire situation nothing but foolishness. Even Sheree, the Queen of Fighting, agrees that this is one goofy fight. Cyn is pretty much done with everything, goes under the deck, and curses out the camera crew. Then she calls Peter and tells him what happened, and says that she needs him to come home. I know he’s her husband, but what’s he going to do here? Porsha and Cynthia acted like asses, end of story. Plus, he’s always getting into it with one of the RHOA cast members, so he might even make things worse. What if he and Porsha end up getting into it?
Above deck, Kim is crying. Y’all, she’s not going to make it on this show. She’s had enough of this mess, and I’m with her. Meanwhile, Tammy surfaces from the bathroom and was like, “I missed all of it.” And after thinking she was a hot mess last week, she seems like one of the sanest people on the boat now.
Next, we see a series of scenes in which everyone recounts the event to other people. LOL. Even though this show is mostly fake, this is so like real life. When some mess happens, I’m breaking news like I’m Anderson Cooper. Porsha shows the bruises to her mom and says she understands that Cyn’s anger was misdirected. Still, Porsha doesn’t think their friendship will be repaired. While Kim tells Phaedra everything that happened on the boat, Kenya tells her family members, and Kandi tells her co-workers. Of course, the stories don’t all match up. In a confessional, Kim says that this is being analyzed like it’s the JFK assassination. #Preach. Lori, Kenya’s aunt, tells Kenya that the only way to solve this is to invite everyone to get together. Riiight. If by “only way,” Lori means “worst way,” then I completely agree. Part of me can’t believe this ridiculous plan, but the other part recognizes that I don’t have a life, so I’m down.
Peter’s home. Cynthia feels bad and thinks she may have overreacted. A-doy! Peter, for once his life, is sensible. He says, “Yeah, that’s understandable because you kicked her, so you probably did hurt her.” What does Cynthia do when confronted with the only person who will tell her the truth about the fight? She yells at him and demands he tell her something to make her feel better. What? God, Cynthia is insufferable in this episode. Peter tells her to apologize to Porsha when they see each other again. Then, they talk about their relationship again. They talk about moving forward. Zzzzz.
Kandi and Todd go to their OB/GYN to check in about the fibroids and her pregnancy. During the appointment, just as the doctor is having trouble locating the baby’s heartbeat, Todd’s phone rings. He goes, “I have to take this phone call.” ARE. YOU. SERIOUS? Why is every guy on this show such trash?
Kenya calls Cynthia and tells her that she’s setting up a brunch to get everyone back together. She said she’s going to meet with Porsha first, one-on-one, just see where she stands. Uhhh, why? Kenya is forever doing the Hokey Pokey, a.k.a. dipping her right foot in a place it doesn’t need to be. And just as I predict, the talk with Porsha is mostly a disaster. It starts off okay, then the accusations start to fly. Porsha says she doesn’t trust Kenya; Kenya claims that Porsha started the physical fight; Porsha calls b.s. on Kenya’s concern about her friendship with Cynthia. Somehow, it ends in an okay place and Porsha says she’ll attend the brunch.
At long last, it’s the brunch. All the ladies show up and Cynthia is embarrassed. Kim tries to mediate and Porsha asks to speak with Cynthia privately. THANK YOU! That is the mature thing to do. Kenya says her chat with Porsha didn’t go well. Kandi responds by saying what we all at home are thinking: “You’re good at pointing out what other people do wrong in situations, but you never point out where you mess up.”
So this is the start of fight No. 2, which ends up being not that big of a deal. Hmm. Cool, I guess.
We check in on Porsha and Cynthia. They rationally talk it out and apologize, which is for the best, I suppose. The fight was pretty damn dumb to begin with. Then, in a confessional, Cynthia says that her fight with Porsha brought her and Peter closer. Oh. Clearly, there’s only one way to explain what happened:
All righty, what did you think of part two of the Porsha-Cynthia fight? Anyone else annoyed with Kenya always trying to “mediate?”