The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Friendships! This episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is an improvement on last week’s epi, but I’m really concerned about Kim Fields. I’ve been joking about her all season, but we need to summon enough strength to help her stay away from her husband for a few days, like the Planeteers do when they summon Captain Planet.
Full disclosure: I have never been married or engaged, but I have been in a long-term relationship, so I think my opinions on relationships are somewhat informed. And I think that Kim’s waterworks over not seeing her husband for 48 hours even though they’re in constant contact is unhealthy and melodramatic. I really like Kim. She seems like a great wife and mom. She works hard and she seems pretty level-headed. She doesn’t entertain 99 percent of the drama the RHOA live for, which is why it’s such a bummer that her identity seems tied up in being someone’s wife.
I say this with love, Kim:
But Kim’s emotional lows are not all that happened on “Bienvenido a Miami,” so let’s get into it all, shall we?
We open with Sheree and Kandi visiting “Moore Manor,” as Kenya likes to call it. #Eyeroll. Kenya, of course, mentions how her house will be finished before Sheree’s. At this point, I want to bring Jack Kevorkian back from the dead so he can euthanize me and I’ll never have to hear about this stupid house-building rivalry ever again.
Meanwhile, Porsha, Shamea, and Phaedra are shopping for their girls’ trip to Miami. DO ANY OF THESE WOMEN WORK? MORE IMPORTANTLY, DO NONE OF THESE WOMEN HAVE NETFLIX? I have avoided hanging out with people just to watch Orange Is the New Black, yet somehow these women are always traveling. In all seriousness, Phaedra is a lawyer and a single mom. Cynthia just launched a product line. The amount of free time everyone seems to have is mind-boggling. Anyway, we learn that Kenya and Porsha are planning the trip together and that everyone from the Lake Lanier trip is coming. #EyerollTheSequel. I fully support this plan.
The next day, all the ladies meet at the airport and we see Tammy’s husband drop her off. He’s an older white dude who probably wore a ton of Von Dutch hats back in the day, but he’s in shape, so I guess I still would smash. I know, y’all. I’m a mess. Next, we see video footage of Kenya filming the ladies on the plane and it’s just them sleeping, FaceTiming with loved ones and putting on makeup. It’s pointless, but this whole show is pointless, so I roll with it. They finally land in Miami. The house is pretty sick and there are two waiters standing there with drinks for the ladies. Then Shamea walks out of the house in a bikini to greet them. Apparently, Porsha had Shamea arrive a couple days early to prepare the house. Again, I ask: DOES ANYONE EVER WORK? Who the heck takes an extra two days off work to prepare for their vacation?
The tour of the house is very MTV Cribs. This place is amazing and it really makes me question my decision to go to school instead of using my vajeen to trap a dude, so I could lounge in Miami all day. JK. Kim says she’s tired of the tour and says, “I’m going to pick out where I’m staying.” And she decides to stay … in the living room.
This house is full of tricked-out bedrooms and she wants stay on a Jennifer Convertibles couch? Kim, act like you have some damn sense and go sleep where the bed linens are. But clearly, she may be lacking common sense because she’s hitting it off with Tammy. What the heck, y’all?
Sheree, Kenya, Cynthia, and Kandi are hanging out and the topic turns to Tammy. Kenya, of course, tells Sheree that Tammy said nasty things about her a few weeks ago. Pause. Kenya totally egged Tammy on to say all those shady things about Sheree being a golddigger, so both Tammy and Kenya are wrong here. Tammy shouldn’t be running off at the mouth and Kenya shouldn’t be messy, but if they weren’t, what else would they do with their time? Exactly. Sheree is blindsided by this because Tammy never said anything to her face. Cynthia tries to defend Tammy, then Sheree is like, “Tammy has always been pro-Bob because they used to be lovers.” WHAT?! Tammy had an affair with Sheree’s husband? Good grief. Then Kenya is like, “When you see Tammy tonight, don’t get into a fight.” LMAO. That means Kenya will probably bring up the Tammy/Bob affair during appetizers. Kenya is so ridiculous.
Later that night, they go out to dinner. Kim starts off by telling the ladies that she might not last the whole trip because she misses her family. Zzzzz. To be clear, I do get it. Family is important. But wasn’t she crying two weeks ago about how she doesn’t have any friends because all she does is hang out with her family? Wasn’t she complaining that when people are trying to be her friend, she’s like, “Deuces! My family needs to me cut the crust of their peanut butter and jelly sammiches?” Make up your mind, Kim! Do you want friends or not? Next, Cynthia tells the girls that she and Peter are doing much better and that he’s making a real effort to repair their relationship. I’m genuinely surprised because Peter is nothing but a bowl of gorilla doo-doo to me, but if Cynthia is happier, I’m happy.
The discussion turns to Tammy’s husband. She gushes about him and Sheree’s like, “I didn’t know you had a problem with me. I should be the one having a problem with you.” This causes Tammy to choke on her lobster mac and cheese. LOL. They get into it about Sheree’s ex-husband Bob. Tammy said she felt like he got a bad rap in the press and Sheree maintains that he wasn’t spending a lot of time with his kids and his child-support checks bounced. Then, Sheree asks Tammy if she was protective of Bob because they slept together:
I understand that people say all kinds of crazy things when fighting with an ex-spouse, but why would Bob have any reason to lie about sleeping with Tammy when he told the truth about sleeping with other people? Nevertheless, Tammy vehemently denies the affair and says she didn’t realize there was any drama. Sheree said she didn’t know either, until she learned Tammy didn’t like her. Porsha asks Sheree who told her that and Sheree points to Kenya, who defends herself by saying that she was just sharing information. And then Kim is like, “Food for thought: Is there a difference between information and instigation?” It gets really awkward. Thankfully, there isn’t another fight and the dinner ends.
The next morning, Kim is chilling on the patio listening to Kirk Franklin while the rest of the ladies get ready for a day trip on a big boat, which means rehashing the awkward dinner, of course. Phaedra and Kim agree about Kenya being as messy as Pigpen. Kenya and Sheree — who are bosom buddies now — think Tammy was trifling to say what she said behind Sheree’s back. I totally agree, but disagree with them being surprised that Kim called Kenya out for trying to cause a fight. Later, the women all put on their bathing suits, which makes me feel terrible about myself because they’re all curvy and booby.
Anyway. Kandi tells the girls that she’s going to take it easier per her doctor’s orders. Awww. The rest of the crew takes the boat to a restaurant, where they drink and hang with the locals. Porsha and Shamea are macking on some cute dudes and the guys join the ladies upstairs to eat. Phaedra finds Kim crying in a corner. Kim says she misses her husband and she doesn’t understand why she’d dance with her girlfriends just to dance. Sooo, Kim … doesn’t … understand … fun? Why does this feel like a trash Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie where Kim is a dweeb and needs to be taught how life works by a good-looking person? It’s super simple, Kim. When women are away from their beaus, they hang with each other. They don’t call their beaus nonstop to be like, “I miss you.” Jesus H., man. Kim is ridiculous. She says she wants to be in Miami with her husband, not with the girls. She thinks this is an experience she should be sharing with her husband. I’m sorry, this is co-dependency and it’s making me sad. Thankfully, Phaedra calms Kim down, shares her own marriage woes, then encourages Kim to enjoy the rest of the trip.
Inside the restaurant, the ladies are clearly trying to set Oliver up with Porsha. Oliver is cute, so I approve. They invite him back to the house. Kim and Phaedra come to the table and Kim tells them what happened. Kenya’s like, “It’s only been two days since you’ve seen your husband.” LOL. I agree with Kenya for once. Tammy shows up with nephew Glen and his friend who I’m calling “I Didn’t Feel Like Rewinding My DVR to Catch His Name Because He’s Not As Hot As Glen.” Kenya clearly has eyes for Glen, who is pursuing a career in the NBA, which means he will never have a career in the NBA. But he’s cute, so all the guys join the ladies on the boat. Porsha decides this is a good time to play “Never Have I Ever.” She is so lucky she is really pretty because she has no game. What grown-ass man wants to play that? This is stupid. Moving on. The episode ends with Kenya snapping her fingers at Glen, trying to get his attention and find out his name again. What kind of ending is that? I want my money back and I didn’t even pay to watch.
Alrighty, what did you think of last night’s RHOA? Is anyone else sick of Kim going on and on about her husband? Also, are you glad Kim called Kenya out?