The Real Housewives of Atlanta
I don’t know how your Christmas/Kwanzaa is going, but I just kicked my parents out of the living room so I could watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta, which means I’m a terrible person. Mama’s got bills to pay, so I need to watch my stories, know what I mean?
Anyway, maybe kicking my parents out to watch RHOA was unnecessary. Tonight’s episode is a bit ho-hum, which is understandable. It’s the holidays. Bravo doesn’t want to drop a dope epi when no one is watching — but it shouldn’t be such a sleepy one, either. And that’s my biggest gripe about this season: There’s never an in-between. Porsha is either getting punched in the cooter while Kim Fields rubs on prayer beads or we’re just watching Kandi working while Cynthia walks from room to room with impossibly perfect hair. As much as I love Cyn, her hair doesn’t make a good hour of television. Forty-five seconds of TV? Sure. An hour? Waterboard me instead.
While it was nice to see low-key moments like Phaedra hanging with her son, “There’s No Business Like Friend Business” is just too chill of an episode. There are still a couple of moments to discuss, so let’s get to it, shall we?
We open with Kenya working on a dating profile, Kim Skyping with her sister, Porsha working at Dish Nation, and Cynthia receiving flowers (they’re yellow roses, which equal friendship, but at least he sent flowers). Cyn is mostly unimpressed and I get it. On the one hand, Peter is making a romantic gesture but will almost certainly revert to his ignorant ways, but on the other hand, at least he’s being romantic. There’s something about Cynthia expecting him to do all the work to repair their relationship that is super stank to me. (I mean, she’s made him cry too.) She’s not sure if she ever wants to take him to the bone zone, so I think she needs to let him know he’s wanted. Marriage is a two-way street. It can’t be him doing all the work and then her passing on his peen like it’s a week-old tub of garlic-roasted hummus. Step up, Cyn!
Kandi and DonJuan are at a meeting about producing more music with Demetria. The two ladies did a duet for a generic song called “Unnecessary Trouble,” which is one of those “don’t be talking about my man” songs that were GREAT in the ’90s. The record company wants to put the song out as a single, then release a video. Wait a minute, isn’t Kandi supposed to be taking it easy?
Bun, Apollo’s friend, comes by Phaedra’s house to spend time with her kids so they have a positive male influence in their lives. Cute and thoughtful. Bun tells Phae that Apollo is upset that no one answers his phone calls or sends him emails. Phaedra claims they stay in touch with him, but I saw online today that Apollo doesn’t want his kids to visit him while he’s behind bars, so who the hell knows what the truth is. All I know is that Bun better not try and make a move on her while Apollo is locked up.
While Kandi is on the set of her music video, Porsha and Phaedra stop by to visit. It seems like the Phaedra/Kandi friendship is officially back on track. Meanwhile, Kenya and Marlo are working out at the gym and Kenya’s friend Matt comes over. He’s super cute and asks her out on a date. This is when we learn in the confessional what Kenya’s must-haves are in a man: be six-foot-five, look like Matthew McConaughey, be a super successful entrepreneur, ride horses, and have a giant dong. I guess she’s going to be single for the rest of her life because no one is all these things. Secondly, giant dongs are overrated. They’re so much to handle that you have to psych yourself up with a Coach Taylor–esque Friday Night Lights speech every time you’re ready to get physical. Furthermore, why is riding a horse a necessity? It’s not like her house has enough of a backyard for a stable. Kenya knows she’s 45, right? When you’re 21, you can create outrageous and unrealistic standards because you’re delusional that life will give you everything you want. By the time you’re 45, you’ve lived long enough to see Iggy Azalea’s career, so you know the universe is cruel and unfair. So, Kenya: Pray for a guy with a medium-sized dong who knows what a horse is. The end.
Back to Kenya and Matt: She agrees to go out on their first date. He takes her to a basketball court to play hoops. She’s actually cute and normal here, and I have to admit that this is the most I’ve ever liked her. She’s being a person instead of being messy. Despite their chemistry, she’s on the fence about a second date. UGH, I’m guessing she’s acting this way because he’s not super rich.
Peter is back in town to take Cynthia on a romantic date. They have lunch in the park while an artist paints the two of them. Okay, as much as I loathe Peter, he is actually being nice and sweet. I’m still waiting for Cynthia to step it up. Across town, Phaedra drops Ayden off for his first day at kindergarten, which must be bittersweet because Apollo is missing this once-in-a-lifetime moment. And Ayden is so cute. When he asks if he’s always going to be Phaedra’s movie, he makes her cry. And me, too!
Porsha is Skyping with Oliver. Another long-distance relationship? Le sigh. This isn’t going to last, but Oliver looks good. The conversation seems to be going smoothly. He’s attentive and she’s not acting desperately — until she asks him if he’s ready for a relationship and his connection gets magically garbled. LOL.
It’s the night of Demetria and Kandi’s video-release party and everyone shows up. Kim looks cute in her booty shorts and thigh-high boots. She’s normally so covered up, so it’s nice her cutting loose for a change. Kandi doesn’t want Todd to say anything to Phaedra at the party about the money. He seems to be on board with this, and then Peter arrives and is like, “Are you going to say something to Phaedra about the money she owes you?” Kandi and Demetria introduce the video, and during their mini-speech, Kandi makes veiled comments about the situation with Todd and Phaedra. L to the O to the L. God bless this show and God bless America because I love how nobody on RHOA is allowed to take the high road. Phaedra goes over to Todd and Kandi and asks Todd to talk about the money issue at her office. Nice! It seems like everything is going to be fine.
Phaedra goes outside to chill and updates Shamea and Porsha about the issue, saying that they’re going to work it out. DonJuan interrupts and says, “Y’all are gossiping about my people.” WHAT?! OMG! Someone get this dude off this show. He’s literally creating drama out of nowhere and then has the nerve to say, “I’m not trying to get in your business.” DonJuan, not only are you trying to get in the business, but you’re deep frying yourself in their business and then serving up a side of Paula Deen candied yams to accompany your messy ass. I’m so done with this dude and so is Phaedra because she basically says, “I gotta go home and raise my kids and watch The Leftovers.” #TeamPhaedra.
Alrighty, what did you think of tonight’s episode? Do you think Kenya should give Matt a second chance? And are you hoping that the money stuff between Phaedra and Todd gets resolved for once and for all?