Dear American teenager and your mad-scientist best friend,
I know you have a lot on your plate, but I have a very urgent message for you: Do not go back in time and stop Will Smith’s high-school girlfriend from cheating on him. I’m sure it’s high on your time-traveling wrongs to right — right after going back to kill Hitler and right before going back to before you killed Hitler and reminding yourself to take a selfie with him — but don’t do it. See, Smith credits this cheating for his success. “When I was 15, my girlfriend cheated on me,” the actor told fellow actor Benicio del Toro for Variety. “And from that moment, in this bizarre psychological twist, I wanted to be the most famous entertainer on Earth.” So, please don’t go back in time and say to Will Smith’s high-school girlfriend, “Hey, don’t cheat on your boyfriend. We’re not saying you have to stay with him forever — you do you, girl — but maybe break up with him before you sleep with somebody else. Hell, break up with him while sleeping with someone else, just don’t cheat on him.” Because, if you do, we wouldn’t have Hitch. Are you too young to have seen Hitch, American teenager? Are you too old, mad-scientist best friend? How about instead of going back in time to 1983 to stop Will Smith’s girlfriend from cheating on him, you go back to 2005 to watch Hitch in theaters? It won’t be as fun as killing Hitler, but you’ll learn how to dance cool.