The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Happy New Year, friends! I hope you all had a fantastic New Year’s Eve. Mine was pretty low-key; I stayed home and worked alone. Basically, I was like Diane Lane in every romantic comedy right before she finds a man. Anyway, it’s a New Year and a new episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, which was pretty juicy. Tons of fights go down in “Shade for Days,” and I sincerely doubt that Kandi and Phaedra will be true-blue friends again. Too much foolishness has happened, and too many sassy comments have been made by Phaedra and DonJuan, my least favorite person in the world. So pour one out for that friendship, homies. Let’s get to it, shall we?
We open with Kandi working, as per usual. Shamea pops by, and now they’re friends, I guess? O … kay. I must have missed something, but whatever. Before the Lipton bag is out the cup, though, Shamea is already spilling the tea about what Phaedra said at Kandi’s video party. DonJuan’s lame behind also chimes in. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like this is being so blown out of proportion. Phaedra only said that she paid Todd some of the money and that she didn’t make anything off the DVDs. Shamea implied that Phae’s debt to Todd is why she and Kandi fell out. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum need to go kick rocks. They’re only intentionally trying to damage the relationship that Kandi and Phaedra have been repairing. Oy.
Speaking of Todd and Phaedra, he comes by to her office so they can hash it out once and for all. At first it seems like it’s going to civil, but then we cut to the confessional and Phaedra throws enough shade to last through winter, spring, and summer — so white people, you won’t have to bust out your SPF until 2017. I mean, Phae implies that Todd’s TV projects failed and that his weekly allowance from Kandi isn’t enough. #Awkward. There’s no way she and Kandi will be friends after Kandi sees this episode.
Anyway, back to the action. Todd turns the meeting into The People’s Court, busting out spreadsheets of the budget and scanned copies of Phaedra’s canceled checks. #AwkwardTheSequel. Phae, honey pie, just pay the man what you owe him. You look foolish. Thankfully, it seems like they resolve everything by the end of their conversation. The DVD will be out soon, and Todd will get paid.
Kenya’s dad, Ronald, comes to hang out, and they talk about her dating life. They joke that if she had a sign that read, “Need husband,” thousands of men would line up. Cut to me making the same face I do when movers are lifting something really heavy and I know they’re about to dent the hell out of my furniture:
Keep dreaming, Kenya! At least she’s going to a relationship expert. She’s trying to make changes. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Then she shows him her house. It’s still being renovated, and he’s still underwhelmed. Why does Kenya keep thinking that people will be impressed by her crib? Her place currently looks an abandoned house from World War Z.
Marlo comes by to help decorate Cynthia’s customer-appreciation event for her sunglasses orders. I don’t know if I’m on drugs, but I really like Marlo this season. Next, Cynthia and Kandi go on a double date. They immediately talk about the Todd/Phaedra situation. Everyone is talking about everyone on this show, so why is anyone ever mad about trash-talking? Peter and Cynthia warn their buds about the restaurant business, which I co-sign. I’ve seen Restaurant: Impossible — restaurants are not for the lighthearted.
It’s the night of Cynthia’s customer-appreciation event. Kim shows up, and I swear that her fashion is getting better and better. Cyn asks Kenya and Kim to co-produce and direct her sunglasses commercial. How about no? Just have Kim do it. Kenya is a hot mess. Kim then tells Kandi that she’s been using Kandi’s sex-toy products. Yay! And then Kandi immediately starts talking about the Phaedra/Porsha stuff. I am so over this! This is so dumb! Porsha reveals that Shamea told her what she said, so she wants to settle the beef privately. They walk off, and DonJuan says, “I don’t think they should be having this conversation without me there,” and then he joins them. JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL AND CRASH THIS CAR INTO A TREE, PLEASE. How in Kris Kringle heck does DonJuan think that dipping his big toe into the conversation will resolve anything? Bravo better be giving this dude health benefits because he’s putting in full-time work to be a major character this season. #Barf.
DonJuan apologizes for being ignorant. Porsha accepts that, then says that she’d like to talk to Kandi privately. Kandi’s crew doesn’t budge. Good grief! Kandi is acting like Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element. She does not need a posse with her at all times just to have a conversation. She isn’t the leader of anything — she’s on a Bravo reality-TV show. So Porsha storms off and Shamea is like, “Talk to me.” Riiiiiiight. That’s only going to make things worse, but Porsha does it anyway. And then Carmon comes over to interrupt their conversation! The two of them argue before Porsha storms off again. L to the O to the L. This show is absurd and amazing.
The next day, Kenya and Ronald are going for a walk. They get real. She apologizes for running away and says it hurt her that they didn’t talk for years. Ronald explains how he tried so hard to have all his kids together, and after she ran away, it made him feel like he wasn’t good enough. Kenya apologizes, then tells him she wants to have a family reunion.
Meanwhile, across town, Kandi and Porsha have lunch. They rehash the argument, and I STILL don’t understand why DonJuan got hyped. Yet this fight continues. Kandi feels like Porsha takes Kandi’s side in everything, Porsha feels like Phaedra needs her more right now, and ultimately, Kandi feels like both of those ladies are “full of shit.” Cut to me like:
So, after they (kind of) squash things, Porsha asks if Kandi can help her and Phaedra be friends again. I’m not sure what anything means anymore. Is up now down? Is left now right? Are Porsha and Kandi still friends?
All righty, what did you think of last night’s episode? If I started a petition to get rid of DonJuan, would you sign it?